Dalton Tanonaka: Playing the New Game of Love

The Jakarta Post | Thu, 01/24/2008 2:10 PM

Heads were bobbing and other parts were throbbing in the trendy nightclub

in south Jakarta named after an insect.

It was "Ladies Night," a mass midweek gathering of desperate housewives
and excited expats seeking to improve international relations.

"Hi," purred the sensual woman embedded in the crowd to my left. "I know
who you are."

Oh oh. Was I late again in paying my newspaper subscription? Did my
health club track me down for using more than one towel?

"You're the one I want to be with," she smiled.

Great line. It was right then I realized that I had to relearn the game of love, because times had changed since I'd last been on the market. And it was becoming quickly apparent as well that the rules are different in this anything goes town.

Colleagues and friends had advised me about the potential hazards of being a semi-coherent, newly-single male back on the dating scene.

"Watch out for the married ones, they'll eat you up," offered a restaurant owner buddy.

"Be careful with the chickens, you might get bird flu," warned a female
colleague, referring to the nickname for women who play for pay.

"Stay away from the ones who dance on the tables," counselled a more
down-to-earth woman in my office.

"Don't take home any dangdut singers," added another, without having to
add "… with a camera phone in her hand."

I tried to recall those guidelines for a witty (and appropriate) response
to the sensual one's opening thrust. But something more immediately
compelling was grabbing my attention in front of me.

My bar counter group included a retired military officer, a transport
executive and an entrepreneur and her partner. Another man had just joined us, whom it was whispered in my ear is "the son of a former top government leader."

Let's call him "SBI" for "Son of Big Individual."

On his arm was a delightful vision of Indonesian loveliness.

The champagne had been flowing, and as the next cork was about to pop,
another woman suddenly wedged her way into our standing party. It was SBI's
wife. Someone had apparently text-messaged her about her hubby's presence in this Big Durian hotspot."

One long, awkward moment later, SBI's "friend" had wisely backed away into the club's shadows and was gone. And SBI was on his way out the door with his high-heeled spouse for what must have been a bumpy ride home.

"Did you see that?" shrugged the entrepreneur. "Whatever he gets from
his wife, he deserves."

"You mean for marital infidelity?" I asked.

"No, for bringing his girlfriend to such a high-profile place."

Hmm, let me see if I got this right - having an affair is okay as long as it isn't flaunted? Is that the law of this seemingly lawless land?

"You've got to understand, this is still very much a place where the man
is king," explained "John," a native Indonesian who was raised abroad but
returned home as an adult to build a successful business empire. "It's not
uncommon for a man to have a second wife or a mistress on the side. That's just the way it is here."

I needed to understand the game as I began to play in Jakarta's social
circles. And to avoid stepping on the wrong pedicured toes. How do I know if a woman wants more than a Plaza Senayan shopping patron? Is there an immediate way to tell if she's married but playing? And what's the tipoff for a
working girl?

"If you see an older guy, usually overweight and balding, walking in the mall with a 20-year-old babe, it's about money," explained John. "These guys
couldn't draw flies in a developed country, and here they're Elvis because the
women are seeking security."

"How do you tell if a woman is married but playing? Very difficult. The best way is to straightaway ask," advises "Tony," a restaurant industry consultant and nightspot regular. "Most of the time they'll answer 'Yes, I'm married.' But that doesn't mean that they don't want to have a good time.

"Regarding professionals, easy," Tony continued. "They'll look in your eyes and give you a wicked smile. And eventually they'll ask if you want to
'have fun.'"

Okay, got it, guys. But now I needed to hear from the other side, and called a former office colleague for some female perspective. But Laila jumped in excitedly before I could get a word out.

"I'm so happy! The guy I'm seeing just took my hand and then touched my
cheek and said he really cared for me," she gushed. "It was so sweet."

I was relieved to hear what I was hearing. A path of normalcy and romance does exist here along with the walk on the wild side.

So back to the sensual one. I've seen her once since. She's not married. But she likes to dance on tables.

Hawaii native Dalton Tanonaka is the co-anchor of Metro TV’s "Indonesia
Now" program, seen on Friday nights at 7:30 p.m. He can be reached at
dalton@metrotvnews.com.