Dare to say 'No' is key in today's leadership

The Jakarta Post ,  Jakarta   |  Wed, 05/30/2007 8:45 AM

Gaby Motuloh

How often have you said ""Yes"" when you meant ""No"" -- to your bosses, colleagues, employees, customers, business partners, authorities, loved ones, or yourself? And how did it make you feel? How did it affect what you wanted to focus on, achieve or stand for -- your strategy, goals and priorities, personal interests and values?

According to Tony Blair, the art of leadership in this era is more about saying ""No"" than ""Yes"". As we are facing more complex and demanding circumstances that create more pressures personally and professionally, the ability to make (fast) decisions and in particular say ""No"" has become more crucial.

For most people, however, saying ""No"" is much more difficult than ""Yes"" -- and even more so in Asian culture. ""No"" is largely associated with rejection or even humiliation that could hurt people and destroy relationships. Consequently, most of us are reluctant to say ""No"", afraid of losing friends, deals or jobs, retaliation or simply because we are not sure how to assert ourselves and handle the possible strong reactions from others.

Instead of saying ""No"", all too often we either: accommodate (say ""Yes""), attack (say ""No"" negatively), or avoid (say nothing). Sometimes we adopt the three altogether. First we say ""Yes"" (to a request) but deliver nothing, and then when it is followed up we become irritated and say harsh things, and finally try our best to avoid the person. This kind of reaction more possibly spoils a relationship instead of preserving it as we initially hope for. Not only that, it wastes time and energy on our part -- and the other's -- and damages our self respect and reputation.

People would in fact be better off getting timely decisions, especially when it's a ""No"" --- from small favors to major proposals, from unpleasant feedback to employee lay off (""Tell me 'Yes', tell me 'No', but tell me Now""). A ""No"" provides certainty. It helps people stand on their own feet and move forward with their lives. It also helps us stay true to ourselves. Only by saying ""No"" to competing demands for our time and energy can we create space for the ""Yeses"" in our lives, the people and activities that matter most to us.

The question is, how can we say ""No"" in a constructive way?

William Ury, a Harvard negotiation guru who authored the world renowned books Getting to Yes (with Roger Fisher, 1983) and Getting Past No (1991), recently (2007) published Power of a Positive No which provides the basic framework, steps and valuable insights in saying ""No"" and still get to ""Yes"". While Getting to Yes focuses on both sides coming to an agreement and Getting Past No on the other's side (how to overcome objections), The Power of a Positive No focuses on our side, on how to assert and defend what are most important to us -- our interests and values -- while sustaining relationships.

According to Ury, ""No"" is as important as ""Yes"" and in fact the prerequisite to an effective ""Yes"". If people don't or are not given the chance to fully assert themselves, even when agreements are reached, they are often not solid and unsatisfying as the real interests have not been addressed or merely smoothed over. The problem is simply deferred.

A positive ""No"" is a three-in-one package of ""Yes! No. Yes?"", a ""No"" wrapped in respect. The first ""Yes"" is internally focused. It touches on our interests and values. The ""No"" asserts our power. And the second ""Yes"" focuses externally, on getting the other to come to an agreement. It resembles a tree. The trunk is our ""No"" -- straight and strong. The roots are the first ""Yes"" -- to the deeper interests and values that sustain us. And the branches and foliage that reach out from the trunk are the second ""Yes"".

Ury suggests a three-staged approach to saying ""No"" positively, i.e.: 1) Prepare, 2) Deliver and 3) Follow Through.

The preparation stage involves ""uncovering our Yes"" as the initial critical step. It is a deep search within -- for our interests, needs and core values -- the many possible motivations behind our ""No"". For example, when we say ""No"" to a customer's generous gift, our interest is to preserve the long-term relationship and integrity of the company and the customer (and avoid a conflict of interest). Nelson Mandela chose to call his memoir not ""Long Walk Away from Apartheid"" but Long Walk to Freedom. Understanding what we want and value -- personally and professionally -- allows us to be proactive instead of reactive. It grounds us on fundamental and positive things so that we can stand on our feet rather than the other's toes. It gives us a sense of direction and the energy to express our ""No"".

The second preparatory step is ""empowering our No"" which involves devising a Plan B. It's an important exercise to help us transform our fear or anger into tangible issues and options. The more we think we are dependent on the other, the higher the urge to accommodate, attack or avoid. A Plan B also helps us deal with reality and gives us confidence to say ""No"" effectively. Once Plan B is in place, Ury suggests we give ourselves a chance to reassess our ""No"" decision as it may carry significant risks and costs to us and the other and therefore we should choose our battles carefully and wisely.

The following questions may help: 1) Do I have the interest (core values and needs)? 2) Do I have the power (including a sound Plan B)? and 3) Do I have the rights? Strongly aligned interest, power and rights should be a strong foundation for us to assert our ""No"".

The next step is ""respecting our way to Yes"". It's about making the other say ""Yes"" to our ""No"" without feeling hurt or rejected. As Frank Barron said, ""Never take a person's dignity; it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you."" Genuine respect for the other is the key to a successful ""No"".

Unfortunately it is not as easy as it sounds. It requires a genuine desire on our part to listen to attentively, understand and acknowledge the other as a human being -- without agreeing with their points of view or demands. To be able to respect the other, we first need to respect ourselves. True respect is based on strength, confidence, not weakness and insecurity. It's more about who we are than who they are.

Stage two is the delivery (of the positive ""No""). This is when certain skills do help and only practice makes perfect. Ury suggests using particular statements (The, I and We) that can help set out facts (The), explain interests and needs (I), and invoke shared interests (We). Pay close attention to language (and body language), and take into account the relevant culture in order to succeed.

The final stage is the follow through. It's about managing the other's reactions -- and also ours -- after we put forward our ""No"". It's the time to build a ""golden bridge"" so that the other can come to us with dignity. And yet, this is when we usually feel most vulnerable, uneasy, guilty or even fearful -- as the other may quickly shift from avoidance to anger (before acceptance). At this stage, what we need to do is to stay true to our ""Yes"", underscore our ""No"", and negotiate for a positive outcome.

The ability to say ""No"" positively can help us foster more authentic and lasting relationships and keep our business and ourselves strategically focused. It does require courage, vision, practice and persistence, but is certainly within the reach of everyone.

The rule of thumb is, be true to ourselves and respectful of others.

Gaby Motuloh is the managing director of Daiva Asia, a management training and consulting firm. She can be reached at gabymotuloh@cbn.net.id.

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