By The Way: Please forgive me for my magnanimous offers of forgiveness

Sun, 10/12/2008 9:48 AM  |  Headlines

Ladies and gentlemen, and those who are in between! All the people I have ever met, whatever their religion, fully agree that forgiving is much more noble than just asking to be absolved.

So why is it then that people not only failed to thank me for my spiritual generosity but even told me off, when I said to them, "I have already forgiven you for your misdeeds against me"?

Some were angry and others just laughed upon hearing my magnanimous offer. Consider the following answers. (I leave out these people's names so they are not publicly exposed as little devils for refusing my grace.)

"I swear, I never had any intention of asking for forgiveness from you...," a middle-aged woman wrote in her text message to me on the first day of Lebaran on Oct. 1.

Another SMS from one our most powerful diplomats: "Hehehe. I forgave you decades ago. I do it again today to enable us to safely navigate this indeed tumultuous world, before we both disappear into oblivion... Amen..."

A friend who knows that my relationship with my only daughter worsened in the days before Lebaran responded with a slap in the face: "Hopefully your daughter will also forgive you."

An NGO activist, who is never able to see the good little things about the IMF and the World Bank said," He...he...he... Thanks for your unique and unforgettable greeting."

I was a bit confused by the message from a senior journalist: "Thank you for forgiving me physically and morally." What does he mean by the word "physically"? We never had physical contact and we are of the same sex.

For years, I have repeated the same message in greeting friends, relatives, colleagues, my boss, my children and my wife during Lebaran and Christmas: "Don't worry, I have forgiven all of your wrongdoings, if there have been any, against me."

Around Lebaran you can spot plenty of advertisements in all kinds of media as well as pamphlets and signs on the street: "Selamat Idul Fitri. Mohon maaf lahir dan batin" (Happy Idul Fitri, forgive me (us) spiritually and physically).

These companies probably want their customers or buyers to exculpate them for selling low quality or dangerous products. Their message is: Do not sue us, or please continue buying our products.

I love the Islamic greeting, even though I am Catholic, because it contains a very strong spiritual message. Now more Christians say "Mohon maaf lahir dan batin" in their Christmas greetings.

In my view, the standard Christmas greeting is too dull, just like saying, "good morning", "good night" or "have a nice vacation": "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year." What is its spiritual content?

Christians too I think must offer their forgiveness to other people at least at Christmas or Easter. In the "Our Father" prayer, Christians recite "...and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us".

But last Christmas a friend got mad when I greeted him thus, asking, "What sins have I committed against you?"

A young priest was startled last year when I uttered this message to him. Perhaps he thinks only a holy man like him can say the magic words.

I have been very familiar with the Islamic greeting since my childhood. When I was about four years old, I was adopted by a childless Javanese couple. My two elder brothers died at a very young age. (I suspect because of malnutrition). The couple circumcised me although I remained Catholic. (Circumcision was a rare practice at that time in my predominantly Christian kampung.)

I went to the mosque every Friday with my adopted father and to church every Sunday with my own parents. Ramadan was a great opportunity to improve my nutrition, because my adopted mother always cooked nice food for me. But we separated several years later, and until now I have not heard what became of them. I hope they have forgiven me for neglecting them in their old age.

This is just between you and me. Answer me honestly: How many people have you forgiven at Lebaran or any other major holiday? Are you honest in asking for absolution or it is just a matter of social courtesy that everyone should do?

But as for me, am I really sincere in offering my absolution? "You are really a genius in remembering the very details of other people's improprieties, but you have a very limited capacity in remembering your own wrongdoings to others," my wife told me.

If her assessment is correct, then it means I am not able to deceive other people that I really forgive them. Perhaps that is why so many of them get upset with me.

Meanwhile, I still cannot ask for any defense from my daughter, because apparently, right to this minute, the most hated words for her to say are "Bapak, I have forgiven you."

--Kornelius Purba

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