Age, Oprah and the Changcuters

My Korean friend SJ offered me his personal philosophy during a recent visit to Seoul.

“I’d rather have loneliness than a headache. And you can quote me on that.”

This is a man who heads a major company, can play golf at any of the best courses in the world and always tops the “most eligible bachelor” lists.

And he’s been single for 14 years now.

We were discussing life after divorce, mainly for my rookie benefit. I still catch myself referring to “my wife”, and stumbling over “Marital Status” on application forms.

SJ was sincere in his advice, firmly believing that he’s happier with an empty pillow beside him than dealing with problems he’s long since left behind.

“Don’t be too eager for the next time,” he warned.

Despite my earnest attempts to break my matrimonial mind-set, I guess I haven’t quite turned the corner yet.

It’s not that friends haven’t been trying to help.

“You’ll like Monita. She’s smart and sweet. And beautiful,” a female acquaintance emailed me.
She was making a cyber introduction to one of her company colleagues, and I was happy to make a new friend with qualities that just so happen to be on my social checklist.

And my acquaintance was right. If I had gotten to our Kemang meeting point five minutes later, I would’ve had to fight my way through the crowd of men beginning to circle Monita’s seat at the bar. Kind of like hungry wolves and Bambi.

That I soon found she was also fun made our electronic go-between’s next offering even more perplexing.

“But she’s too young for you, Dalton.”

Hey, no worries, I wasn’t exactly thinking about what we were going to name our kids just yet. But what if I was? With all of the more immediate roadblocks like religious barriers, work schedules and Jakarta traffic, I’ve also got to fight the age factor?

I thought I heard on Oprah that 50 is the new 40? Just how much of a gap is OK?

“Maximum 10 years,” offers my Metro TV co-anchor Frida, one of the city’s most high-profile singles. “Because if it’s more than 10 I’d feel more like his daughter than his date.”

Wait a minute. What about someone who keeps himself in shape, can stay up past 10 p.m. and likes the Changcuters as well as the Rolling Stones?

“Then I’d have no problem, but I don’t know anyone like that who’s interested in me,” she says.

I’m aware that Indonesia is infamous as a haven for aging expats, who patrol the malls arm-in-arm with mini-skirted partners young enough to be their granddaughters. I’m not talking about that kind of pairing fueled by Fendi and Pfizer.

What I am interested in, truly, is a meeting of like minds, where good wine and conversation flow and the matter of age never even comes up.

“I think that most people would agree that you have to connect intellectually with someone. But age does matter,” says Alice, a 30-year-old urban professional. “I think you have to consider public perception.”

Public perception? What about actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones (25-year gap)? Or rocker Rod Stewart and supermodel Penny Lancaster (26 years)?

“I don’t think age is an issue,” agrees Ira, a 44-year-old communications specialist. “Unless you’re talking about someone very young. A person at 30 generally knows what they want and is quite set in their personality.”

Another recent brush with biology came when I escorted a government trade official to a cocktail reception. She happened to be talented and attractive. And 25.

After some meatballs and mingling, she very innocently said, “You’d like my mom. She’s younger than you, and if my dad were still alive, you’d be the same age as him.”

Ouch.

So what am I to do when I feel as excited about life as ever, when I’ve got idle time and a yen for sushi, and all the women near my age are spoken for or at home watching their Sex and the City DVDs for the 10th time?

Do I give up seeing nonjudgmental, open-minded and adventure-loving women who happen to be a lot younger simply because there are more of them available?

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