Resolved to Change

There’s something about New Year that inspires even the most complacent of us to effect an internal change.

The start of the year, an emblematic clean slate, seems like a perfect time to kick off a personal makeover project or a lifestyle reform, and so we vow to exercise regularly, be more organized and restrain our temper.

Sure, we can start cutting down on drinking anytime of the year, but when we’re on our fifth cocktail of the night or emptying out the wine bottle into our glass at a New Year’s Eve celebration, tomorrow seems like the day predestined to achieve that goal.

That’s what I did at one New Year’s Eve party three years ago, when I stubbed out what I resolved would be my last cigarette. I have not had another smoke since.

Sadly, I haven’t had the same level of success with most of my other New Year’s resolutions.

Last year, I resolved to wake up earlier in the morning so I could have a longer meditation and yoga practice, become a full vegetarian before the year ended and finish a novel that I had started.

Eleven months later, I still struggle to open my eyes before 6:30 and have to squeeze in a condensed practice between writing and teaching, I still eat meat once or twice a week and the neglected, half-finished manuscript remains as it was a year ago.

It is universally known that breaking a promise is easier than keeping it, but when a promise is made to yourself, keeping it becomes twice as tough.

Maybe it is the superficial nature of the New Year’s resolution. Often we feel the need to make one merely because it is a new year, and not out of our own deepest desire. And with no one to hold us accountable for our pledge, the project is likely to be doomed from the start.

The longing for change, I believe, must be authentic and come from the heart before it can materialize.

By the time I vowed to quit smoking, I already hated the act of smoking – the mechanical inhaling, puffing and tapping out the ashes – the smell of it in my hair and clothes, and the heavy sensation on my chest after a night out. In fact, I had cut down on cigarettes a lot by then.

Being a smoker for 17 years had made me feel like a powerless addict, something that made me a little embarrassed.

Smoking had played an important role in my life before – whether to stay relaxed in a social function, or as a way to console myself in tough times, or to accompany me during moments of contemplation, or to simply kill time. But I had never been more ready to live without it, and I needed a healthier set of lungs to complement my breathing practice.

In the end, the will to quit trounced any of the physical or mental effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Many people attempt to quit an addiction without really going deep into themselves to find that willpower that could help them weather their cravings, and so their attempts fail before they even take off.

But when their yearnings really come from the heart, I believe people will do what is right to achieve their goals.

After having struggled passively with ballooning weight for years, a friend of mine disappeared from my life for a while only to return a much slimmer, healthier and more content version of himself a couple of months later.

This he achieved without having to starve himself, but through consistent workouts and healthy diet – which is actually what I had been telling him to do for several years.

So come to think of it, maybe I hadn’t really wanted to finish that manuscript badly enough, maybe I feel it is not as good as it should be. Maybe it is time to start another one.

In the end, however, our continuous struggle to better ourselves may be a way to escape from accepting ourselves the way we are. Some things might be perfectly fine just as they are. This is where that act of gratefulness is often missing in our life.

I learned recently that it takes the act of gratefulness and the expression of gratitude in order to appreciate ourselves and what we have, which we often take for granted.

So before I made that resolution last year, I listed a few things to be grateful for and they included health, love, meaningful relationship, family, yoga practice, writing and financial independence.

Now, looking back at my last resolution from this perspective of gratitude, here’s what I see 11 months on: I still practice despite my busy schedule, and I only eat meat once in a while. One and a half out of three is not too shabby.

As for the novel, there’s always next year. 

+ Devi Asmarani

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