What Lies Ahead ... Allegedly

Another new year is just around the corner, with resolutions to be made and, most likely, broken, and hopes that may soar to fruition or be dashed by the numbingly frustrating realities of life.

That is for us mere mortals to deal with. As we gaze into our crystal ball and look ahead, we find  there may be some very interesting developments in the works for the country’s movers and shakers (stranger things have happened). And, hopefully, a bit of justice for the country’s less fortunate citizens.

JANUARY
With the continuing love affair with all things related to America’s new president, Obama and Barry become favored names among Jakarta newborn boys. A variation on the theme – Obambang – is also reported. Conversely, the names Ryan and Rian have all but disappeared from parents’ choices for their little ones. Somewhat related, Maia and Dhani call each other all kinds of names. Allegedly.

FEBRUARY
After being off the air for several months following a controversial episode of his Empat Mata (Eye to Eye) show that featured reformed cannibal Soemanto and a woman hopping mad for live amphibians, comedian Tukul Arwana cooks up success with a traveling culinary show called Kaki Lima (literally “five legs”, referring to food carts). Needless to say frog’s legs are not one of the items on the menu.

MARCH
Following the successful tie-in of young entertainer’s Bunga Citra Lestari’s nuptials with her endorsement of a beauty product, other consumer product companies quickly jump on the bandwagon. Billboards across the country feature soft-focus images of goo-goo eyed famous lovebirds munching on hamburgers, spraying each other with mosquito repellent and sharing a two-straw glass of Vegeta to, the tag line says, “keep regular together, forever”. Love is in the air.

APRIL
A certain very famous young pop diva announces that she will be going international. Slimmed down but with her phat quotient on the rise, she really means it this time. Oh yes she does, you cynical folk you. And Maia and Dhani are still not on speaking terms. Allegedly.

MAY
With 40 percent of Jakarta still underwater from floods earlier in the year, tourism authorities hit on the novel idea of extending its“Venice of the East” promotions to the outside world. River tours on gondolas are all the rage, a watersports contest is held and the three-in-one policy is extended to the waterlogged areas. It’s either sink or swim everybody.

JUNE
Infotainment rags are abuzz with another megawatt star’s marriage breakdown,  the feuding between the first and second wives of a very famous figure (hey, what about the hubby?) and a five-year-old child actor’s philosophy on life. M and D go at each other once again. Allegedly.

JULY
Talking of child stars: Following the runaway success in 2008 of a cuter-than-cute 3.5-year-old, an even younger entertainer emerges. Two-year-old Bo Hong B’nar sings, dances and runs rings around his little rivals. That is until it is revealed Bo is actually a hobbit, albeit a talented one.

AUGUST
The debate rages over whether signs advertising kue tete should be banned under the new pornography law or sold with the English translation “nipple cakes”. Eventually it is renamed kue teteh, and becomes a favorite hawker item of Sundanese aunts everywhere. Now what to do about Tanjung Puting ...   

SEPTEMBER
The Group to Remove Effeminate Men and Louche Intersexes Now (GREMLIN) carries through with its threats against cross-dressers on the Indonesian airwaves. Male performers are rated according to their use of makeup (blue eyeshadow is definite grounds for suspension), dyed hair and the curiously described pinkie finer curl. Offending performers are given pink slips, which they wear with panache. Campaign is halted after three days when numerous soaps, reality shows and even TV news programs are unable to air due to a lack of staff.

OCTOBER
With so many entertainers throwing their designer hats into the political ring, one political party borrows a slogan from Tinseltown circa 1950 and proclaims, “We’ve got more stars than Bollywood”. Plastic surgeons and beauty clinics report bumper business in hair weaves, Botox injections, liposuction and teeth whitening as the country’s politicians polish up their image for the public in these image-conscious times.  Nip and tuck for the powers that wannabe.

NOVEMBER
Aforesaid young diva with globalesque ambitions is still at home and still mulling her next move. Allegedly.

DECEMBER
In a startling development, the thousands of displaced people from the Sidoarjo mud disaster receive their requested compensation for their material losses as well as pain and suffering. All joking aside, this is something that we hope does happen for real.   

+ Bruce Emond

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