The kids in school keep saying that Papa is in trouble and going to die. I keep telling them he's not. My Papa's a nice man -- the nicest man I know.
"I'm tired of telling people that Papa is not mean. They never listen. I hate them. And I hate Miss Eva too because she blames me for everything. I think she likes those kids better than me. Like that time when I made Raden Bayu cry. He and his friends kept saying the words 'jail' and *die' to me. So I stabbed his hands with my pencil. He started crying. He wasn't even bleeding. Miss Eva said it was my fault. "You're a bad girl, Annie", she said, "you shouldn't hurt your friends."
That's why I hate school now. I want to stay at home. I always like staying at home, playing with Papa. But Papa's never at home anymore. He has to meet some important people -- lawyers, he says. Before, Papa always stayed at home with me and Johan. My big sister Karla says Papa never goes to work because he's the Boss -- the big boss.
I like it when Papa calls me and Johan, and sometimes Karla, to pray together at 6 o'clock in the evening and afterwards we sit together and Papa tells us stories -- stories about him when he was a young man. Papa smiles when he tells us those stories. Sometimes at the end of the stories, he says to himself, "Oh, I wish I could go back to those days".
Then he tells us to keep being good and honest people till we grow old and die.
Now that Papa's not home, the house feels empty. There's only me and Johan, and Irna the maid. The house is too big for three people, far too big. I think even my school can fit in here. Mama's not at home either, she always comes home late. She likes to play with her friends. Mama has lots of friends. I think a lot of people like her.
Mama's not like Papa. Mama's always busy. She doesn't tell us stories. She is always out. She likes to buy lots of things. Mama's good at that. Once she bought me a beautiful white dress and shiny white shoes. Johan gets lots of toys and once a big bike.
I like it when Mama and Papa are together, they like to joke around, smile and touch each other. They never fight. Except one time when they shouted at each other in the dining room. I think Mama was angry with Papa because he didn't do something she said.
Papa kept saying, "I'm not doing it again. You've got everything you want. This is not right!"
But Mama said that she would leave if he didn't do what she said. So Papa picked up his phone and called somebody. Mama smiled and hugged him and kissed him. That made me happy.
***
Sometimes I wish I had another sister so I could play with her. Karla never plays with me because she's too big. She is 16 I think. She likes to go out and buy things with Mama or play with her boyfriend.
Johan is two years older than me, he's in the fourth grade. Johan is very clever; he's the cleverest in his class. Not like me, only the third cleverest in my class. Johan likes to play football, sometimes I play with him or sometimes I just watch him play with his friends.
Johan is a quiet boy but sometimes he can get angry. He also gets angry when people say things about Papa. Three days ago Johan got in big trouble for fighting in school. One of his friends kept yelling "corruptor, corruptor" to him. So Johan kicked that boy hard in the stomach. That boy was big and strong so he didn't cry. He punched Johan in the face then they started grabbing each other.
When he came home, his nose was stuffed with cotton. It was bleeding, but Johan wasn't crying. He told me what had happened. I asked him what *corruptor' meant. He said he didn't know, but it sounded like something bad "like some kind of monster or evil robot or something".
I wanted to know what this word really means. I asked Karla, but she was mean. She said "Don't say that word, Annie. Whatever you do, just don't say that word in front of Papa, or else he's going to be angry at you!"
I don't believe her, Papa loves me. He would never shout at me. I'm his favorite girl -- that's what he always whispers to me. When Papa was sitting in his chair reading a book, I came running to him and hugged him.
He lifted me on to his lap and kissed my hair three times. Then he started reading again. I remembered my question, so I asked him. "Papa, what is corruptor? What does it mean?". But Papa didn't answer. He didn't move. He became very still. Papa put down his book very slowly. I was scared, maybe Papa was angry at me. I turned my head to look at his face -- and he was crying. Papa was crying because of me. I told him that I was sorry -- I was really, really sorry and that I wont do it again. But Papa just held me tighter and hugged me closer. "No, darling. I'm sorry," he said, "Just remember that Papa loves you until forever, no matter what happens, alright sweetheart?"
I said yes.
***
The next day something terrible happened. Seven men came to our house. First they were polite, they said hello and talked to Papa. Then they became rude.
Six of the men got up and started messing up our house. Three men upstairs, three men downstairs. They opened every drawer and every cupboard. I think they were looking for something. Mama was scared, she was crying and shouting and telling those bad men to stop. Karla was standing behind Mama -- she was crying too, but quietly. I sat on the staircase behind Johan. I wanted too cry too, but I kept quiet because Johan told me too. Johan was brave, he watched those men very carefully.
Those men took something from Papa's and Mama's room and also something from Papa's office. When they were finished they sat down in the sofa again where Papa and that other man were.
Those men talked to each other for a while and then the leader, the one who had been talking to Papa, got up and said "Sorry sir, you have to come with us". Papa didn't say anything.
He nodded and kept on looking down to the floor. Two of the men quickly grabbed his arms and took him out of the house. Johan became angry. He ran after them. He called for Papa. He shouted to those men, "It's not him, it's not his fault!"
***
That night I decided to sleep in Johan's room. I was scared. Being with Johan makes me feel safe. I also wanted to ask Johan some questions.
"Where are they taking Papa?"
"To the police station probably."
"But why? What did he do?"
"I don't know."
"But Johan, before you said to those men that it wasn't Papa's fault."
"Look, I don't know anything, Annie. But one thing I know for sure is that Papa is a good man. He would never do anything mean to anyone. They've got the wrong guy, Annie. Trust me, they've got the wrong guy!"
I saw that Johan was beginning to get angry, so I stayed quiet for a moment. But then a thought came to my mind. "What if those kids were right? What if Papa is going to jail or going to die."
"No!" Johan said. I thought he was going to shout at me, but he was calm, "No, it's not him. They've got the wrong guy!"
I didn't dare ask anymore questions. I believed Johan.
They've got the wrong guy.
***
The next day, Johan came home from school, he ran upstairs. He was looking for me. I was playing in his room.
"Annie, Annie, I know what it means!"
I didn't know what he was talking about.
"Miss Khyn said it's like a thief. She said a corruptor is a person who cheats to steal lots and lots of money. Just like a thief, but worse."
Johan sat down on his bed and stayed still. I can tell he was thinking because he was staring at the floor and didn't blink.
Then he said quietly, "But what does Papa want with money? He never even buys anything. Papa doesn't even like money."
That was the last time he spoke to me. Johan became very, very quiet after that.
***
I was worried about Johan. I knew he was angry at something or someone. But who? It couldn't be me. If Johan was angry at me, I would know, because he would punch my arm or pull my hair. But this time he was just quiet, really quiet.
One morning -- it was Saturday, I think -- Mama called all of us into the living room. We knew there was something important. When I got to the living room, Mama was sitting at the big chair, the one closest to the front door -- Papa's chair.
Mama looked beautiful. She was wearing a pretty white dress and a big diamond necklace hanging on her neck. Her skin was smooth and soft and she wore those lovely shiny earrings Papa bought her not long ago. Mama was beautiful. She looked like a princess.
"Look, there is some bad news," Mama said, "The court said that Papa's guilty. And they have charged him." Mama's face turned a little sad. "I don't know how long he's going to be away for. But we're going to visit him every week. And I want all of you to be strong for him, okay?"
We all nodded.
Mama said "good", and then "goodbye". And then she left in the car that had been waiting for her outside.
***
When Johan's angry, he is boring. He doesn't do anything fun. He goes to school in the morning, comes home in the afternoon, watches TV, eats, reads his comics and goes to sleep at night.
That's it. Every single day.
I don't like it when Johan is quiet like this. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't tell me things. Now I don't know what I like and I don't know what I hate anymore. There are lots of new songs on TV, but I don't know which one I like. I want to go inside Johan's mind so I know what is good and what is bad again. So I know which songs I like.
I want him to tell me things again. I want to know what's in his mind.
Johan has a book. His own book. He writes in that book every night before going to sleep. I thought it was a diary. But Johan says its not. Diaries are for little girls. His book is called a Journal.
I knew I wasn't allowed to touch his Journal. He would kill me if I touched it.
"You go near it, I'll kill you!", he once said.
But, I needed to know what he was thinking. I'm scared that I might start to hate him, and you're not allowed to hate your own brother, Papa said.
So I did it. I read his Journal.
***
I feel bad reading Johan's Journal.
But at least now I know what Johan is thinking.
Now I know what I like.
Who I hate.
"...Papa paid the ultimate price for love. He loved too much. He did too much for love. His heart was white, too white for his own good. He was too kind to her. But she doesn't deserve him. Her greed doesn't deserve his kindness. Her rotten heart doesn't deserve his love. I want to shout out that all this is because of her. It's Mama. She made Papa do all those things. It's Mama's fault. She should be the one locked up in jail! They've got the wrong guy!"
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