Two's company

The pitter-patter of little feet is deemed part and parcel of a happy marriage in Indonesia. Childless couples are considered deserving of pity and concern by others, who assume the worst: Infertility. It’s not always the case, however. Bruce Emond meets someone who is childless by choice.

There was one matter in particular that “Chris” needed to settle with his prospective bride. The sensitive subject in question was not about shared finances or where their future residence would be. And it was not open to discussion.

The freelance communications worker and university lecturer needed her to understand that he did not want children.

“For me there has to be a significant reason why you are bringing a child into this world, because it’s a responsibility – it’s not a puppy or a toy. I don’t want to have children because it’s the thing to do,” says Chris, who married a woman from a neighboring Asian country who was indifferent about having children.

“My friends will tell me that I’m nuts about not having children, and so I ask them why they did it. All they can answer is that, ‘that’s the way it is’.”

Chris’ viewpoint is considered an aberration by most Indonesians, even educated urbanites exposed to different lifestyles. It elicits confused shakes of the head and comments about “going against nature”, because men and women are put on this earth to go forth and procreate in the sanctity of marriage. The refusal is seen as tantamount to selfishness.

The world of celebrity is a microcosm of the most basic and prurient attitudes in society – the fascination with money and beauty, women as either wanton temptresses or paragons of virtue, men who can have it their way inside and outside the home. It also spotlights how the definition of family revolves around the arrival of children.

As soon as famous names get married, the countdown begins to when their “momongan” (baby) will arrive. Celebrities are pestered until the desired child is born. Those who don’t produce become subject to intense speculation, especially women, who are supposed to meet society’s criteria for “real women” by giving birth.

Entertainer Maudy Koesnaedi, who with her Dutch husband had decided to put off conceiving while they focused on their careers, had a standard, joking answer to the infotainment inquiries: Her husband was pregnant, but she was still waiting for the stork to arrive (she has since had a son).

“I’m fed up with people asking me when I will have children,” singer Inul Daratista told the WEEKENDER in February 2007. “Of course, I want to have children, but it’s up to God to decide when. If God bestows children on us, we should be thankful; if He doesn’t, we should also be thankful.”

After in vitro fertilization treatments, Inul conceived, putting an end to the questions.

The infotainment glare mirrors the intense pressure that regular folk face from society, particularly family.

Journalist Sarasvati wrote about receiving a grilling from a female relative about her not having a child, “as though I was betraying the entire female species by not taking the path of pursuing both a career and family at the same time”.

Although she and her husband have not ruled out having children, she said she would like to pose her own question to all her interrogators: Why is it so hard to accept that maybe procreation is not the exclusive reason why two people get married?

Chris says he does not like dealing with children anyway. But his decision also stemmed from his own unhappy childhood. The older of two sons, he felt neglected by his mother. A few years ago, he asked her if she had really wanted to have him.

“She told me that she really wanted to work because she already had a small salon but it had to be done ... I wasn’t hurt, because I understood.”

He says his issue is not with having children, but with the idea that it must be done simply to follow convention.

“A friend of mine is getting married and wants to have kids immediately. I asked why, and he said, ‘because we love children’. That’s great. My problem is with those people who justify it with a ‘that’s-the-way-it-is’ answer.”

In the event of an “accident”, Chris says he would pray to God to have the strength to accept having a child. “But it doesn’t mean I would

Psychiatrist Lukas Mangindaan says the definition of family must not be defined only by the presence of children, regardless of whether a couple is infertile or has opted not to have offspring.

He also emphasizes that decisions should always be made by considering all the possibilities.

“Every decision must be made with full knowledge and awareness,” Mangindaan says. “But it shouldn’t ever be made from fear – whether it’s the fear of not fitting in [by not having a child] or the fear of not being capable [of raising a child].”

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