Attention Needed

It is said that there is no joy quite like parenthood, yet many parents seem quite willing to palm that pleasure off to others, with many children left in the care of “external services” – child minders, nannies, teachers, relatives. As Maggie Tiojakin reports, parental guidance is in short supply.

On a rainy morning at a North Jakarta private kindergarten, a line of cars is dropping latecomers off at the gate. Nannies in abundance and a small number of parents stand behind the iron gates, waving at the little ones being escorted to class by the school’s welcoming committee: teachers and their assistants.

“Angela”, a teacher at the school, shakes her head repeatedly while holding the hand of a five-year-old boy who carries an orange Naruto-themed backpack with his name, Jamie, sewn onto the strap. A few minutes earlier, Angela had to persuade him to say goodbye to his nanny, a 21-year-old girl named Dewi who has been working as a live-in servant for the past three years. At first, Jamie refused to listen to Angela; then Dewi did her part by baby-talking him into letting the teacher take him to the classroom.

“It’s like this every morning,” says Angela, referring to the “drop-off scene” at the school where children stubbornly refuse to part with their caregivers. “Some kids are clingier than others. I was the same way, too, at their age. But, at least, I was clingy with my mother.”

During recess later in the day, several of Angela’s colleagues share similar stories about the close emotional attachment between pupils and their servants-cum-caregivers. Although hiring minders to help parents look after their children is nothing new, their continuously expanding role in the children’s lives is causing concern among some observers.

Where are the parents?

A childminder is a person hired by a middle-to-upper class family to care for their children, also known as a “nanny” or a “nursemaid”. The majority of childminders are women between the ages of 18 and 50, who usually live-in at the employer’s home.

In the early 1990s, thanks to an economic boom, the role of childminders began to outgrow the profession it supports. More than just employees paid to feed, bathe and play with children, childminders found themselves drawn further into the family fold by performing more important duties, such as walking the children to school, helping with their homework and arranging their play dates – basically everything that had previously fallen under parental jurisdiction.

A decade later, when young parents have become accustomed to juggling career, marriage and children, the role of childminders has reached a particularly disturbing level – it imitates that of the parents. Perhaps burdened by the responsibility to provide financial support in a home that requires two separate incomes, today’s parents are becoming less and less compliant with the parenting tradition in which they were raised.

“Tuti” is a program coordinator at an international school in Central Jakarta and is responsible for organizing all school-related events throughout the academic year. A mother of two teenagers, Tuti is often appalled by the lack of commitment from parents when it comes to their children’s development. She doesn’t understand how it is possible for any parent to “delegate” the task of raising a child to the “hired help.”

“I’m a working mother, therefore I know the challenges of raising a child can be overwhelming,” she says. “But to send a servant in your place at a parent–teacher conference?” She takes a deep breath. “I can’t see the logic behind it.”

Sisil Jovan, a bank manager whose job demands she stay on duty 10 to 12 hours a day, offers one excuse: “I call my children all the time,” she says. “Just because I’m not physically with them doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. My family comes first, that’s for sure – but my job is what allows my family to keep the lifestyle we want to have. And I think my children can understand that.”

Since the late 19th century, particularly in Western societies, there have been countless debates about the harmful effects of leaving children in the hands of “strangers”. First, there’s the security issue; second, the issue of social integration.

“The first couple of years in a child’s life cannot be taken for granted,” says Lina Setiawan, a specialist in child development at Atmajaya University in Jakarta. “Toddlers have the most acute sense of observation and memory because they are trying to absorb as much as possible from their surroundings, which is why they bond so quickly with their caregivers.”

By parents not involving themselves in the child’s life, Lina warns, this bond may “backfire on the parents once the child can no longer tell the difference between the connection [the child] shares with the mother and the one [the child] shares with the ‘outsider’.”

Nevertheless, these so-called “outsiders” are not always strangers to the family. Parents who cannot afford to hire a minder will almost always look to the “next of kin” for assistance, usually the grandparents.

A 2007 study out of Oxford University found that in the United Kingdom, 60 percent of childcare fell to grandparents, who contribute greatly to the social development of children whose parents have neither the time nor the energy after spending a day at work to keep up with their children’s interests. This involvement, according to a report in the London Times last year, has saved the country’s economy £4 billion a year, possible only because grandparents have taken it upon themselves to play an active role as educators.

In Indonesia, however, where the working class is represented largely by low-income individuals who earn their living waiting tables or – ironically – minding other people’s children, the role of grandparents in their children’s upbringing is equally important, although perhaps not as beneficial to the nation’s economy. Across the archipelago, villages are full of children who are raised by their grandparents while their parents work in major cities such as Jakarta, Bandung, Surabaya or Semarang.

“It’s not something I choose to do,” says Tono, a taxi driver who claims to be “optionless” in the decision he made to leave his children with his parents in Tegal. “I can’t afford to raise my kids in Jakarta, and I couldn’t afford to raise them at all if I were to work in a small town like Tegal.” Tono’s wife died in an accident when the children were still very young. “It’s hard being a single parent,” he says. “Everyone expects you to be a magician.”

The dilemma, though, is shared by all parents, both single and married. Yana works as a live-in nanny in Kelapa Gading and her husband lives and works in Bogor as a family driver. Once a month, Yana takes the bus to visit her husband in Bogor. Their children, Ita and Sila, live in Jambi with Yana’s mother and sisters. The “move” happened recently, says Yana; it was the only solution they had when Bari, her husband, lost his job at a plastics factory.

“My husband was jobless for a month,” says Yana. “And I didn’t know how it would be possible for me to support the family on my own, so we thought it would be better for the kids to stay with my mother.”

Parenting is considered a full-time job by many who have had the experience of raising children. In a time when financial demands and career choices require significant sacrifices from individuals who wish to rise above the challenges, children often have to pay the price. The availability of help, of course, has something to do with it, as has the flexibility of our modern society – but these two phenomena are not entirely at fault for the parenting faux pas we have committed thus far.

“Children need their parents to be parents, not supermoms and superdads,” says Lina. “There will be times when parents are not there for the children. Hiring live-in help or asking the grandparents to ‘take their place’ during these ‘gaps’ is perfectly natural, but it doesn’t mean it’s OK for parents to completely abandon their parenting duties.”

Sisil sighs. “I don’t think having children means you have to choose between your life and theirs – it’s not fair for either the parent or the child. It should be a balance of the two.”

Photo credits
Model: Varen Noviadi
Photograph: Agan Harahap
Stylist: Ananda Adityasanti
Location: Prefere 72, Jl.Kemang Timur 72.


IN THEIR CORNER

Experts may speculate, organizations may raise banners and parents may scream on the delicate issues involving children everywhere: We all want to have a say. Yet it seems few take the time or make the effort to ask the children what they feel. Here’s what some of them have to say.

“My mom works a lot. She wants me and my brother to do well in school and to behave ourselves, because she says it’s good for us. I’m OK with her [working schedule], even though sometimes I wish she could spend more time with us. But, on some weekends, she takes us to the beach so we can swim … and I love that.” – Gilang, 8.

“I have been living with my aunt and uncle in Jakarta since I was 12, because my parents didn’t want to move out of Medan. In a way, my aunt and uncle are my parents. So I have four parents. Of course, I miss my real parents. I hope they can come and live here in Jakarta, but it’s too expensive.” – Heri, 17.

“My parents are busy. I have many things to do, though. I take piano lessons after school, followed by Mandarin and ballet. When I come home at night, sometimes my father will be home, or my mother, but most of the time they are not. But [my nanny] is always with me, so I am never alone. Maybe [my parents] take lessons, too.” – Dimi, 7.

“My mother has been working in Jakarta ever since I was two months old, so I’m used to not having her around. But we talk on the phone almost every night. I live with my grandmother in Sukabumi and every few months my mother comes home to see me. Sometimes I visit her in Jakarta, but not often, because she says I need to have a job first.” – Andi, 18.

“I have three sisters and a younger brother, so my house is very crowded. My mother is always home in the evening, and she watches TV with us. My father is never home, because he has a company. Mba Ati is always with us, she’s a very nice person. She is funny.” – Michael, 10.

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