Having a bawl

Bruce Emond ,  The Jakarta Post - WEEKENDER   |  Tue, 03/24/2009 3:55 PM  |  Trends

Our he-men heroes of the past didn’t cry in front of others – that was the business of lily-livered types, the kiddies and womenfolk. Today, men being men, it’s important to keep up their masculine front, but it’s also OK to show some emotion, sometimes. Bruce Emond reports.

At the end of the 2009 Australian Open final, after giving his all in a vain attempt to win a record 14th Grand Slam title, Roger Federer looked sad and tense, as if he was struggling very hard to hold it together. For fans, it was an ominous sign. The Swiss does not fit into the stoic, show-no-emotion stereotype of his countrymen, having turned on the waterworks after winning Wimbledon titles and at a previous Australian Open when presented with the trophy by tennis great Rod Laver.

That was when he was the winner; this time he was the runner-up, and the focus should have been on champion Rafael Nadal. When Federer received his trophy, his face crumpled and he started to whimper. His stiff upper lip began to curl as he let out little hicks that grew into a full sobbing fit before the thousands of spectators in the stadium, and the millions watching around the world. Despite trying his best to pull himself together, the 27-year-old was dissolved in tears for the rest of the ceremony, even as Nadal graciously gave him a shoulder to cry on.

The Federer-loving spectators, including the random heckler, were hushed into silence. The next day, the reaction was mixed in the media and on fan boards. Some sympathized with Federer for displaying how much the match and the record meant to him, to lay it bare for all to see, a strong man who could (unwillingly) cry in public.

“I find sportsmen crying in public far more dignified than blowing their noses or adjusting their privates in public. That’s never really acceptable,” one poster wrote on a board discussing whether it was OK for men to let the tears flow.

Others took another view, seeing it as a crying shame: Federer was criticized for taking a mere game too seriously and for detracting from Nadal’s moment of glory with his breakdown. They advised his girlfriend, who looked on thoughtfully from her seat in the stadium, to look for another, real man who would be able to keep it together.

To give Federer his due, he did not seem to be turning on the tears to steal the attention from Nadal, and valiantly tried and failed to stifle his sobs. Neither was his public display of emotion meant to show that he was not too manly, which researcher Tom Lutz wrote is often the reason men tear up in public (he argues that some women, in contrast, try not to cry in public to show that they are not too feminine, according to a 2003 The Age article).

Federer can do it, so why can’t the rest of the regular menfolk do the same when the urge takes us, instead of retreating to dark spaces away from judging eyes? In an age where hugging is replacing the handshake, when random touching is OK in the fraternity of men everywhere, can’t we let a few fall, say, when watching a two-hankie tear jerker at the movie theater, when we are touched by a tender moment at the local convenience store (“ah, check out the cute little baby”) or after failing to sink a crucial putt on the 18th? (research shows that men are more likely to get emotional when they feel they have lost something they should have won).

But as one message board poster presciently pointed out, celebrities like Federer have a different set of rules on self-control than for us regular folks. They can have a hissy fit, cry with the worst of them and let it all hang out in ways that the rest of us would be mortified to see in our regular daily lives.

But some people find that men in Indonesia, at least urban Jakarta, are learning to get in touch with their feelings more.

“I think men find it easier to express themselves nowadays, and I feel that’s fine for me,” says “Ellen”, who works in marketing for a major multinational company. “Changes in social structure, education and social values have made it easier to express themselves, including crying. I think it’s a healthy process.”

“Jack”, an executive in his mid-30s, says the last time he cried was when his mother died 18 years ago. He says he needs to keep his emotions under control in his work environment during negotiations and meetings, “because we have to keep our cards close to our chest”.

He says he is “perfectly fine” with men crying in situations such as bereavement, but there is a caveat. “If a man cries when he watches a movie, that’s a bit ...,” he says. “And I would feel weird if someone was crying all the time, if it was a man or a woman.”

Jack does see a generational shift. “I work mostly with men older than me who are very conservative in their emotions; it’s expected they will be emotionless. It’s generally more acceptable for guys in their 20s and 30s to show their emotions today.”

And that is an advantage for Federer, regardless of one’s personal reaction to his cry from the heart. Many would interpret his behavior as that of a thoroughly comfortable modern man in touch with his feelings. But if it had been a woman, as one poster argued, it would be seen as in keeping with her supposedly more emotional nature.

The probable reaction from those around her would be, oh, there she goes again.

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