Beware of the words `You can't do anything, this is my country!'

Sun, 05/03/2009 1:05 PM  |  Lifestyle

Not to offend anyone, but I think we can honestly say that personal commitments between foreigners and Indonesians are sometimes based on survival and can be considered a gamble. This includes commitments related to business, as well as personal relationships and marriage. When two opposite cultures meet, can "the differences" guarantee it will last happily ever after? And when the worst case scenario happens, do we blame the culture gap to excuse ourselves?

Let's zoom in on an example: the relationship between a foreign man, commonly seen hand in hand with his exotic looking local girlfriend. Many of us assume it is simply a physical attraction based on desire and lust, despite the fact that many of them are actually the expression of true love. I wouldn't blame your imagination from running rampant after witnessing the wild night life of Jakarta, where local girls/boys and mostly foreign men frequently partner up purely based on physical desires looks, sex, and quickies in this scene.

Once in the blue moon, a one night stand can turn into a long life stand. "Love can grow when you invest in it" says someone I know who is (still) happily married. It's no longer a secret that many marriages are born out of one partners need for security and the other's desire for a lifelong companion at any cost. But when you've done all you can for this little garden patch and the flower just never seems to blossom and so much effort is spent trying to stop all the pests and rot, that's when you get "Instant Glamour Gone Wrong".

This happened to a culturally mixed former couple I know, who'd been in relationship over 10 years and built a business together here. When the marriage turned sour, their messy break up caused the foreign partner to loose his whole business as all official documents had been signed in the Indonesian partner's name. When he came to ask for his fair share, the "I am God" Indonesian ex-partner instead mercilessly threatened to have him deported, saying, "You can't do anything, this is my country!"

To some short sighted opportunists, however, marrying a foreigner is like getting a golden ticket to an upgraded life. They see it as a chance to unleash their wildest dreams of having international lifestyle, surrounded by branded goods. But often their expectations exceed their husband's credit card limit. That's when their overseas tale ends and they decide to come back and resume their "basic" life in Indonesia - at least this time with some money from the divorce settlement in their hands.

To cover up their disappointment, they use the excuse of missing their "easy" life here as a reason to separate. To struggle or endure is definitely nonexistent in their DNA, especially if they've been depending on someone else for as long as they live.

To some of us it is crucial to have a helper always ready to take care of the house cleaning, laundry, cooking and even to give massages when our bodies are aching. And when we can have a driver to drive us around town (even in the most intense Jakarta traffic jam) why opt to walk and take the tram in a foreign state? Does this fact make us a nation of unstable personalities who have been too spoiled - raised to be served and now too proud to tolerate any changes from other cultures - to adapt to a more "independent" lifestyle?

While we proudly flaunt international brands of clothing, accessories, and cosmetics and declare ourselves internationally open minded, when it comes time to defend our price in those ugly cross-cultural personal conflicts that end in fierce battles over settlement money, business, assets, children and image, do we like to deceiving ourselves over the importance of our cultural identity to save face, rather than having to admit truth within?

It is such a poor excuse but yet, in the name of love, lust and living the dream, some of us play this game again and again. Please don't think that I'm being cynical or against cross culture relationships, I think it can be a win-win situation for both parties. But I believe it requires an advance level of deeper understanding in communication and concession more than just matching the difference in skin color when two opposed cultures are committing to supposed harmony.

So ask yourself, is the reason to get local partner(s) while you're abroad because: (a) You really love her/him.
(b) You just don't want to be alone in a strange country.
(c) You just have a habit of finding someone around you.
(d) Just to follow the mix-couple fashion.
(e) It's fun and challenging not knowing how it will turn out, making this cross culture match so intriguing.

- Diaz

Copyright © 2008 The Jakarta Post - PT Bina Media Tenggara. All Rights Reserved.