Discrimination against mothers

Sirikit Syah ,  Surabaya   |  Fri, 06/05/2009 9:59 AM  |  Opinion

If you have been following the gossip in the media recently, you will know the case of Helmy Yahya and his wife, Hansi. Disputes are common among husbands and wives. Divorce is also now commonly accepted as a way to end bad marriages.

What troubles me about Helmy’s particular case is this: he ambushed his wife and took his son along to witness (imagine how this could ruin the son’s image of his mother). Then, the husband reported the “assumed” adultery of his wife to the police, and made the case public, on camera, even at a press conference.

As the icing on the cake, he reminded everybody that they had a signed commitment, which stipulated that the one who violated the marriage would lose custody of the children and the family’s wealth. Oh, perhaps that’s the main point of it all. It was the man’s greed.

“The world was never meant for one as beautiful as you,” say the lyrics in the song “Vincent,” dedicated to artist Vincent van Gogh. We could say the same for wives in Indonesia. Indonesia was never built for those as beautiful as us.

If we are faithful, our men may cheat on us. If our men betray us, we have to cover them up: protect them and their wrongdoings (just as Yahya Zaini’s wife did) or accept them and tolerate their choice to take another wife (just as Muslim preacher Aa’ Gym’s wife did ).

We are, after all, our husbands’ soul mates. And just as in the Javanese proverb, “Swarga nunut neraka katut,” we will follow him to heaven or hell.

But where is our soul mate when we are the ones having extramarital affairs? Our husbands will eagerly file reports with the police, file for divorce, defame us in public, stop us from seeing our own children and cut off our right to custody and even our share of the family’s financial success.

Husbands can be monsters in real life.

I am counting the number of wives and mothers who are famous because they are celebrities, who have become victims of such unfair conditions. They have lost or almost lost their children.  If it can happen to them, it could happen to many other women. Celebrities like Lia Waroka and Five V struggled for years to get the custody of their children. Five V was separated from her child when he was still a baby.

Reza, the singer, chose to let go of her right to custody of her two baby girls, to avoid humiliation in court (she was asked by her husband’s legislator, Adjie Massaid, to do “sumpah pocong” on her betrayal case). Film actress Tamara Blezinski lost custody when multiple reports emerged of her seeing a younger man and ignoring her son. Singer Maia won custody in court, but her ex-husband, musician and composer Ahmad Dhani vowed in public, “Nothing can separate me from my children.

Not even the state law....” And he made it extremely difficult for Maia to see her own children despite her legal right to custody.

Now, Hansi has been accused of adultery. In fact, no, Helmy couldn’t even accuse her of that. There is apparently not enough evidence to do so. Helmy only reported that the other man had “done something unpleasant” (perbuatan tidak menyenangkan). His motive was made clear in his public statement: They had a signed commitment which says that in cases such as these, Hansi would lose all her rights as a wife and mother. How cruel is this.

If a husband and wife have problems in their marriage, why make the children suffer? If you are hurt by your wife, why would you hurt you children in revenge? Cutting the bond between a mother and child not only hurts the mother, mind you. It ruins your children as well.

As far as I know, wives rarely use husbands’ adultery cases to cut fathers’ relationships with their children. Sometimes, ex-husbands are prohibited by the court to approach their children, if they have drinking habits or a violent nature. But love affairs do not automatically ruin parent-child relationships. It should not be like that.

Indonesian husbands should learn more about love and life, and should be more mature and wiser. You couldn’t have had your children in the first place without your wives. Just remember that. And pray that your children will not hate you for the rest of their life for separating them from their beloved mothers.


The writer is a journalist

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