Real life has become an action movie

Nury Vittachi ,  Bangkok   |  Sun, 06/21/2009 11:51 AM  |  Opinion

Urgent warning: Reality has been cancelled. We are now living in a movie. The bad news is that it seems to be a slightly dodgy Hollywood action movie.

I mean, look at the evidence. Not far from my office, a chase took place last Thursday. A villain who had just been arrested jumped on top of a car driven by a henchman. A heroic detective leapt after him. The two of them engaged in hand-to-hand combat on top of the moving vehicle as it sped down the road. The good guy won. A passing orchestra provided dramatic incidental music. (Okay, I made up the bit about the orchestra, but the rest is true.)

Then there was the case in Taiwan in which cops got out of their police car to nab a wanted man. The wanted man got into their car and drove off. A high speed car chase followed.

Earlier this year, two guys escaped from a prison in Greece by helicopter. At the time, they were on trial for previously escaping from a prison by helicopter. Indeed, it is becoming de rigueur to leave prison by helicopter. No one uses front doors any more. In France alone, there have been so many successful helicopter prison escapes (at least nine) that the authorities are surely considering building henchman helicopter landing pads on jailhouse rooftops for safety reasons.

Then there was the case in Puerto Rico in which an escaping jailbird hung on to the helicopter's skids as it carried him to safety: you can't get more Hollywood than that. Or perhaps you can. Consider Frenchwoman Nadine Vajour. After her husband Michel was locked up, she took flying lessons, borrowed a helicopter, flew into jail, grabbed him and disappeared into the sunset. So sweet! The things we do for love. (Guys: cut out this article and leave it lying around the house so that your woman learns the full extent of her duty to you.)

Now if real life has become an action movie, that means three things. First, crime cases can from now on only be solved by maverick detectives who have just been told: "You're off the case. Hand over your gun and badge."

Second, any of us can run into moving traffic without fear. The first car will skid to a halt, just touching you but not hurting you. The driver will lean out of the window to shout at you. As you continue to race across the road another car will skid to a halt from the other direction, also not hurting you.

Third, and this is good news for both sexes: if real life has become a movie, there are no longer any unattractive women on the planet. Half the women are babes, and the other half are bespectacled women with their hair in buns who eventually let down their hair and remove their glasses to reveal that they too are babes.

For single women, the news is not so good. If real life is an action film, the male population of the planet ranges from gorgeous heroic hunks to scum-of-the-earth bad guys. So, no change there.

But guys, better start practicing hand-to-hand combat on moving vehicles. In movieland, it's the only way to travel.

The writer is a columnist and journalist.

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