If kindergarten teachers ruled the world

Nury Vittachi ,  Bangkok   |  Sun, 06/28/2009 11:35 AM  |  Opinion

There are four major zones of violent civil unrest on this planet: Afghanistan, Iraq, the Gaza Strip, and my local international kindergarten. The last of these is by far the most frightening, as you can see in the looks of terror in the eyes of adults who have to enter.

Every morning at 8.15, hundreds of vicious fiends in human shape create a planet-shaking amount of noise and chaos that makes the Big Bang look like a soap bubble popping.

Yet every day at 8.30 a.m., a young female teacher marches onto the scene, claps her hands, barks a few words and peace descends instantly. Guns are dropped, throats are released, swords are sheathed, knuckle-dusters are pocketed and hundreds of tiny incarnations of Pure Evil sit quietly, cross-legged on the ground, thumbs in mouths. How does she do it?

The unavoidable conclusion is that this world would be a much better place if amazing women like her and her colleagues were put in charge of it. Why not give them the reins?

Here are 15 immediate benefits that would ensue if kindergarten teachers ran the world.

1) There would be no need for elections. Everyone would have a go at being president as long as they all lined up and took turns nicely.

2) There would be no obesity because people would run around hyperactively while subsisting on tiny portions of pureed apples.

3) There would be no nightclubs, because we'd all be ordered to go to bed at 7.30 p.m.

4) There would be no alcoholics or drunken drivers because people would only be allowed one Coca-Cola a week, and only if they promised not to get hyper.

5) There would be no need to spend billions on sewage systems because everyone can just do their stuff into nappies.

6) There would be no wars. If someone hits someone, they have to say sorry like they mean it and make up. "George? You go and give Saddam a biiiiig hug right now."

7) Property developers would be kept busy because they would be constantly asked to produce multi-block structures which would be built and knocked over, built and knocked over, ad infinitum.

8) The use of "time out" as a punishment would make prisons obsolete. If someone invaded a neighboring country, they would have to stay in their room for a week.

9) There would be no crime. If someone takes your stuff, they have to give it back and sit in the corner facing the wall.

10) There would be no need for massive movie budgets because Hollywood could make one film which would then be watched 73 times in a row with no loss of interest.

11) No one will ever get sick: people will have fantastically strong immune systems because they will be operating on the principle that items of food taste better when picked off the carpet.

12) There would be no bad behavior of any kind because anyone who does that sort of thing will get his bottie smacked and don't think you won't, because you will.

Don't you think it's a good idea? And adults, perverse creatures that we are, will actually enjoy the whole thing. Want to spank someone, Miss Smith? Me first.

The writer is a columnist and journalist.

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