Equal Partners

Like most of the world, the majority of Indonesian communities are strongly patriarchal in nature, with the husband ruling the roost. In recent years, particularly in urban areas, the balance is gradually shifting to a more equal relationship among spouses. Today, father doesn’t always know best, writes M. Taufiqurrahman.

In her 1961 book Javanese Family, American anthropologist Hildred Geertz describes the patriarchal society in the local culture, based on her findings that a typical Javanese father had a hands-off approach to rearing his family.

“If the father is at home he is likely to just sit around in the living room, chat with his friends or cradle the baby,” Geertz writes in the book, based on her anthropological work in the East Java town of Kediri (called Mojokuto in the book) in the late 1950s.

A mother, on the other hand, she found had to work around the clock to do the daily chores. “Looking after the kids is a full-time job as even when they play, the children could not be left alone and they have to be under a constant watch.”

Geertz’s description of the Javanese family is mirrored on a broader level in the 1974 Marriage Law. It defines the ibu rumah tangga (housewife) as the person responsible for the smooth running of the household and ensuring that the needs of its members, in particular her husband, are satisfied. The role of income earner and family breadwinner is allocated to the husband.

Writer Steven Goldberg used Geertz’s findings — along with numerous other anthropological works from different societies— to back up some of his claims in the 1973 anti-feminist manifesto The Inevitability of Patriarchy, arguing that biological differences make men destined to lead.

However inevitable patriarchy might be, according to Goldberg’s theory, years after Geertz completed her anthropological work, some of the basic assumptions in Javanese Family merit reconsideration.

There may not be a sea change in male–female relationships in marriages in present-day Jakarta, but young families are making an effort to forgo the age-old customs that their parents had to live by.

If Geertz were to return to present-day Jakarta, she would likely be confounded by what she finds, as young couples’ attitudes toward marital relationships, housework sharing, the role of parents and child rearing have begun to change.

Take the young family of Yoshi Andrian, for instance. The family defies Geertz’s categorization and does not fit any definition of a traditional family.

The 35-year-old Andrian, who in the olden days would certainly have played the role of the family’s sole breadwinner and patriarch, has been spending most of his time at home — in Jakarta, Bandung, Singapore and Yangon — with his two children.

When he decides to take up a job, it is mostly on a part-time basis or anything that would not interfere much with the time he spends with three-year-old Battu and five-year-old Randu.

Soon after his marriage to long-time girlfriend Mia Marina, Andrian had to put his aspirations of working as a professional graphic designer — and owner of an advertising company — on the backburner so that Marina could pursue her career in an international humanitarian NGO.

During his six years of marriage to Mia, Andrian has traveled to several countries, accompanying his wife to wherever her employer sends her as a member of an advance team when a natural disaster strikes. The last overseas trip for the family was to typhoon-struck Myanmar.

From the outset, taking the role of “house husband” was not easy for Andrian.

“I grew up seeing my dad and my grandfather or my uncles play the roles of the father figures in their families. That certainly hurt my ego,” Andrian says.

It got even tougher when the new household relocated to Singapore, its first overseas posting, in 2004.

“We had to raise our first child alone in a totally different environment without any help from friends and family,” Andrian says.

Compounding the problem was Andrian’s father’s criticism of his son’s flight from tradition by becoming second-in-command in the family.

But over time, Andrian got used to it and brushed off his father’s comments. After all, he told himself, it was not a matter of the winner and loser in the family but of who had the better opportunity.

Marina’s overseas job paid highly enough that there was no need for a second income.

“We used to jokingly say that it was all right for me to stay at home because Mia’s salary was enough to support this family,” Andrian says.

It also helps that Marina has agreed to make some compromises. Soon after the marriage, Marina agreed only to take longer-term assignments that would require her to stay in a posting for no less than one year, providing some semblance of stability for their children.

Another compromise was that Marina agreed that her career choice would not be permanent: When the moment was right she would quit and Andrian would work full-time as a graphic designer.

Despite the inverse gender roles, no new division of labor emerged in the household.

“We don’t have an agreement on who does what. If I go to the office, my husband does the chores. But if I am home, I will do them so that he will have time for his freelance work,” Marina says.

Marina insists that although she works and earns more than her husband, this does not diminish her role as a mother.

This claim contradicts the conventional wisdom that women who move into paid employment outside the home attach more value to their careers and less value to their roles as wives and mothers.

Women’s improved position, a common feature of modernized societies — where the major expansion of the services sector bring structural changes in the labor market — creates large numbers of jobs that are incompatible with “traditional” female roles.

Another young couple, Amanda and Ismet Marahimin, believe that financial independence is the key to an equal partnership in a marriage.

The couple believes that the absence of a primary breadwinner means that neither can decide individually where the family’s money goes, which will result in an equal marriage.

Amanda, a movie producer, and Ismet, a multimedia consultant for an advertising company, agree that equality is something that’s not set in stone, and there are shifts and changes in any relationship.

“But one thing is certain. When we talk of equality, what we mean is that no one should have more of a burden than the other,” Amanda says.  

And if Andrian and Mia learned to reject the traditional concept of family by muddling through, Amanda and Ismet made a conscious effort to thumb their noses at the concept of traditional marriage from the very beginning.

After having been together for seven years, in 2003 Amanda and Ismet decided to get married for purely practical reasons, agreeing that legalization of their union would make their lives much simpler, logistically.

In a country like Indonesia where government intrusion into citizens’ private lives is pervasive, legal recognition from the authorities is very important. It is common in Jakarta for a car dealership, for example, to ask to see a marriage certificate or family card before approving credit.

Amanda and Ismet themselves say they were quite happy to live together without being married.

“But living together means we need a home of our own and to get a mortgage we need to have a legal status. It is also easier for us to apply for health insurance or a bank account,” Amanda says.

“Without making it legal, it would be difficult for others to make decisions on our behalf should anything bad happen,” Ismet adds.

On the lighter side, the couple found the wedding ceremony the perfect excuse to party. They took pains to put up roadside banners and a website with the theme “going legal” to announce their government-approved union.

The couple, which is expecting, are open minded also about certain ideas of child rearing.

Ismet, who was raised in what he considers a conservative Muslim family, says that their children should be free to practice any religion as long as they are good to their neighbors.

“We will give them the same freedom even if they want to become a kyai [religious preacher] or soldier, two jobs that we really despise,” Amanda says.

Despite the conservative strains in their extended families, both Ismet and Amanda were raised in an environment that was relatively free from prodding and hectoring.

Ismet, for instance, was given the freedom to choose his school after graduating from elementary school. Amanda was raised in a family where the presence of religion was felt only mildly.

Their parents’ attitudes have apparently rubbed off on them. Amanda and Ismet became so used to their parents having little to say about their family affairs that the only opinion they welcome from their parents is whether or not the seven-month-pregnant Amanda should have a baby shower.

Adhitya Pattisahusiwa, a 27-year-old private business owner, has less patience for his parents’ meddling.

Adhitya, who will tie the knot with girlfriend Kiki Impianti in September, says he will draw a clear line when it comes to his parents’ role in his new family.

“I will come off as a disrespectful son, but I have to be tough on this issue. Our parents are like extras in a movie, they can show up in some scenes but they are not allowed to speak at all,” Adhitya says.

Adhitya also learned the hard way that without financial independence, it is difficult to achieve equality in marriage.

“I was bummed out to learn that my fiancée would quit her job soon after we got married. I hope I can support this family until I convince her to find a new job. But until she can find one, there will be no talk of equality,” Adhitya says.

He believes that wives should check their aspirations for equality at the door, unless they make a financial contribution to their family.

Given he will be the family’s sole breadwinner, Adhitya also insists that he will not let go of the purse strings and that he will be the one to draw up the household budget, taking away the role usually reserved for homemakers.

He pushes the envelope further by showing willing to cook for his family in the future, albeit for a completely different reason. “I just love to cook, that’s all,” he says.

Adhitya also believes his role as the sole breadwinner gives him the authority to draw up a blueprint for the family, a design that involves his future wife running the family business and staying home to look after the children.

An’am Thamrin, a 32-year-old activist at an NGO, considers Adhitya’s plan for his future wife to be unacceptable. Even if a woman is looking after the house and children and not working, her husband should cut her some slack, Thamrin says.

“Room for renegotiation should always be made between couples regarding division of labor even if the wife decides to stay at home,” says Thamrin, who is married with one child.

The institution of marriage is a social construction that needs to be remade and renegotiated, as some values from the past may not be relevant anymore, he says.

“If one spouse feels uncomfortable or unequal, a new set of arrangements is needed,” Thamrin says.

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