COMING TOGETHER

It’s a classic love story that has been told and retold: Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy marries girl and they live happily ever after. Or so it goes in storybooks. In reality, the road to a union between man and woman is often a bumpy one, especially when it comes to the issue of different beliefs. Tessa Wijaya reports.

Dewi and Reza’s family seems picture perfect, one that would merit a billboard ad for Pepsodent or some other family-oriented product. They live in a beautiful house with two gorgeous healthy children. Reza is well on his way to building a successful professional career, while Dewi is a dedicated stay-at-home mom.

Courtesy Yunas & Ruth

On one Sunday afternoon, Dewi’s son affectionately wraps his arms around her shoulders while her young daughter sits beside her feigning understanding of the conversation taking place. Reza and Dewi are sharing the story of the windy road that led them to their union as husband and wife.

When Dewi met Reza, and Reza met Dewi, the attraction was mutual. But one particular issue provided an obstacle to their union. Dewi is of Chinese descent and was brought up in the Confucius tradition; Reza is a Muslim whose family hails from Padang and Aceh. Both sides of the family were somewhat resistant to the union. Reza’s family insisted that he marry a Muslim, Dewi’s family objected to her converting to Islam.

Interfaith marriage is becoming more common among younger Indonesians – as perhaps is only to be expected. The majority of Indonesia’s population – officially 86.1 percent – call themselves Muslim. But there is no guarantee that they will not find life partners who fall in the other 13.9 percent.

In 1974, a law was passed stating that a marriage is considered legal only when it is between two people of the same religion. So quite aside from family disapproval and social prejudice, couples also face legal dilemmas when considering marrying someone of a different faith. This law is also why the trend is so difficult to track. Although interfaith marriage is said to be on the rise, no one can be sure of the numbers because legally you can only be married when you and your partner share the same faith.

Dewi and Reza erased much of their legal complications when she decided to convert to Islam; they were left only with the need to overcome the resistance presented by their families.

But when Yunas and Ruth decided to keep their faiths, the lack of objections from their families was replaced by legal hurdles.

One of the ways an interfaith marriage can be acknowledged legally is if the marriage occurs overseas, in a country that legally allows people of different religions to wed. Many Indonesians have opted to do this but Yunas and Ruth decided to search for a different solution. They found a religious institution that was willing to issue a letter stating that Yunas is in the process of converting to Christianity. The same institution was also willing to marry them. Although he was never baptized, on paper Yunas is Christian. In reality, he is a devout practicing Muslim.

“Your religion is between you and your God,” Yunas says. “It has nothing to do with what is said on a piece of paper. I merely did it as a formality so that legally my wife and children could claim the rights granted to them as part of my family.”

Change is often met with resistance and suspicion, but according to Paulus Wirutomo, a sociologist at the University of Indonesia, there are many positive aspects to interfaith marriage.

“Interfaith marriage forces people to be more tolerant of one another,” he says.

“It is a misconception to assume that people who intermarry are irreligious. To choose to intermarry and to at the same time insist on keeping your religion is a testament of the strength of your faith. People who marry within their religion have it easy because they don’t have to question their faith or to think about giving it up as interfaith couples do.”

For Yunas and Ruth, religion is an important part of life. Yet they do not find it an issue to be married to someone of a different faith. In fact, the marriage has become a forum for them to discuss and learn more about each other’s religions.

“We often compare notes and discuss the similarities and differences between the bible and the Koran,” Yunas says. “Marrying someone of a different faith is a good thing as it has actually forced me to learn more about my religion so I can explain to my wife why it is so important to me.”

Dewi chose to convert to Islam to respect her husband’s wishes. For Dewi, Confucianism is more of a way of life and set of traditions, so she does not see it as a problem to convert. She admits, though, that “just because you have converted, it does not mean you gain instant faith. To suddenly believe is impossible. It takes time.” Even for Reza, who has been Muslim all his life, the connection he feels to his faith has come only recently. He is sure the day will also come for Dewi.

One thing that Dewi and Reza do not have to face because they now share the same religion is the agonizing decision of choosing which faith their children should be raised in. Dewi and Reza’s children have been brought up as Muslim even though they are also exposed to Chinese traditions.

For Yunas and Ruth, the topic needed serious consideration.

“At first I thought my kids should be Muslim, and my wife supported that decision,” Yunas explains. “But then I decided to speak to a friend who is also in an interfaith marriage to ask for his opinion and I decided the children should follow their mother.”

After the conversation he decided his children should be raised as Christians because “the psychological bond between mother and child is very strong and I do not want to be the one to break it,” he says. “So I decided my children should grow up as Christians.”

Both couples are open to the idea of their children one day choosing their own faiths.

“In essence all religions are the same,” Dewi says. “They all teach us to do good.” Reza adds, “As long as my children grow up to be good responsible adults I am happy.”

Professor Wirutomo is convinced that interfaith marriages will continue to rise as people become more exposed to different faiths and cultures. He points out that, from a sociological perspective, this is a positive development as it encourages a more tolerant society.

For Dewi, Reza, Yunas and Ruth, diversity and tolerance are really side issues. They believe that what is important is being able to find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and being able to make that commitment and share a future together.

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