Single Minded

“So, any marriage plans for you?”

The constant bombardment of questions regarding the subject of marriage is something all single women in their late 20s have to deal with. From nosy relatives, to sleazy single men looking for an easy catch, to random strangers (or in my case, a random rental car driver in Bali), your relationship status belongs to the public to be poked, probed and dissected until you commit to the “M” word.

When it comes to marriage talk, there seems to be no room needed for discretion. For an unwed woman, it is a topic often immediately brought up upon greetings at social gatherings, during birthday toasts from a colleague at work, or even during taxi rides to the office. No woman can dodge these humiliating and often seemingly invasive conversations. Mothers ask if you are single in the hope of finding a prospective daughter-in-law, single men lurk around to find potential wives and family members engage in dramatic discussions as if impending doom is upon you when you have no set wedding plans in sight.

Just recently I received an invitation from a relative by text message, which went something like this: “Come to lunch this weekend. You have to get married soon. Ha ha.”

Not exactly subtle! It seems for a woman approaching 30 there is only one directive. Number one: Find a husband. Number two: Get hitched. OK, that’s two directives …

And so it was, on one particularly beautiful blue-skied afternoon in Bali, I was confronted with that same question again. As he unloaded my luggage, the driver of my rental car started giving me a lecture about finding a prospective husband and urging me to consider marriage for the near future. He had known me for all of three days.

He started to list the reasons, including that my clock is ticking and that I need to get hitched to the marriage wagon before I am no longer a hot item in the market. OK, maybe he put it in slightly more polite terms but basically that is what he was implying.

Scarily enough, this is a common view held by most of the population, whether they dare to express it so blatantly or not. I have been hit on by a guy whose pick up line was, “You know once you’re 30 you’re for sale.” I wonder if he has managed to get any woman to go out with him.

So what happened to the feminist ideas of building a career and being a strong independent woman? I have always thought that the 30s are the new 20s, as Cosmopolitan often announces on its covers. Apparently not so here!

Approaching your 30s in an unmarried state is like being one of the few left trudging through the battlefield at the end of a long, treacherous war. As a soldier you just want to get this over and done with in one piece. You are tired and confused and your friends are dropping off like flies into married life while you are left to fight the battle. You are suddenly not even sure what it is you are fighting for. Are you fighting for a career, for independence, for the chance to live a meaningful life aside from what society dictates, or are you just in it because there are no other options? In the mean time, the regiment is falling to pieces.

In my battleground it seems even the men are starting to panic.

“Are you sure you are OK with waiting?” my boyfriend asks. “Are you sure you are not suffering from marriage fever? Because everyone above 25 is sure to be inflicted with it.”

And all the while I have been marching forward to the end of the war without falter. I often wonder if he is the one inflicted with this so-called marriage fever. He is the one who is always cooing at babies while I keep my distance; he is the one who is constantly bringing up the subject without any prompting.

To be honest, marriage is something I want for the future but it is not at the top of my list of priorities right now. I am more concerned with how my career is going. After all, these days people are reaching the top younger and younger. I am more nervous I’ll be on the sales rack of my career by the time I am 30; the Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohans to today’s Miley Cyruses and those Twilight kids, whatever their names are.

What if my job is a dead end? What if this job doesn’t work out and no one else will hire me? What if I end up just another face in the long line of paper pushers? After all, the struggle to find meaning in life does not always have to start or end with marriage and a family.

So on behalf of all unwed women approaching 30 out there, I’d like to say a few empowering words. To all men out there, calm down – not all women only have marriage and babies on their mind. To family members, stop fixating on what might or might not be. It is not the end of the world to not have a man. After all it is 2009, the age of progressive thinking.

And to potential suitors, a woman is really not that hard to figure out. Try sending flowers or paying attention to her once in a while. Words such as “wow, you are over the hill” are not going to get you a date (yes, I am speaking from personal experience). The most attractive words that have come out of a man in my experience was a simple “you look beautiful tonight”, which was so unexpected these days I actually replied with a “huh?”

And last but not least, to everyone who knows me, no, I have no wedding plans, and not to worry, I think I’ll live!

+ Tessa Wijaya

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