As Time Goes By

Isn’t it a wonder how sometimes it feels as if we just zip through time, while other times we think the moment will never end?

When you’re in a doctor’s waiting room, sharing the space with five other people who are ahead of you in the queue, leafing through an old copy of some women’s magazine that you wouldn’t normally even pick up, every second the clock ticks reminds you of the painful act of waiting. When you have to entertain a person you really don’t like, time seems to stand still.

But then you go to meet a favorite old friend for coffee and some gossip, and before you know it, an hour’s gone and both of you have to be somewhere else. Or just as you begin to doze off while your masseuse rubs and kneads your tired muscles, she wakes you up and tells you it’s over.

This must be the universe’s way of keeping us on our toes, making sure we don’t get too comfortable all the time. What feels nice and good doesn’t last, and what doesn’t seems to drag on. Perhaps Einstein wasn’t just referring to space and movement when he discovered that Theory of Relativity.

But then there are moments that give you the impression of both. Like when you’re traveling to a strange place, every day feels different and longer than it is. After a while you feel as if you’ve been on the move forever – you might even have slight culture shock when you come back home.

Or when you spend time briefly or intensively with other people in a training or course setting, you feel as if you’ve known them all your life. But pretty soon, it’s over, you all go home and you will probably never have a chance to see them again, save for their virtual presence online.

I’m pondering this as I realize that the year is almost over and a new one is about to arrive. In the past, it always prompted me to look back – sometimes with slight anxiety – and assess what I had done in the year that has gone. Have I made my mark in the world? Have I accomplished or at least attempted to accomplish all those goals I set out to do in the beginning of the year? Am I happy?

Often I find that I didn’t remember much about that year – the same kind of short-term memory inefficacy that makes me forget at night what I had for lunch that day. This year I felt the urge to make sure that wouldn’t happen, so I made a list of things that happened to me, which are most likely inconsequential or irrelevant to others.

This is also the second year since I decided to become self-employed, doing freelance writing and teaching yoga. So in the spirit of performance appraisal, I allowed myself a little self-assessment.

1. I learned to say no to job/gig offers. As much as I love making money, this master juggler has a limit. Besides, I quit full-time journalism to have some quality time and to free myself from unnecessary stress.

2. I found the best spot in Jakarta to write when working at home proves too uninspiring and sleep inducing. I won’t say where it is, but let me just say: “Thank you Mr. and Ms. Baristas for your hospitality, allowing me to work for hours even after my cup of ‘cino is empty, watching my computer while I’m making toilet breaks, and giving me plenty of iced water to quench my thirst.”

3. I made extra efforts to complain less and to focus on being grateful and content.

4. I have made a point of eating more organic and fresh food and less, if any, meat.

5. I have cultivated a somewhat regular meditation and yoga practice that starts at 5 a.m. Boy is it hard, but it sure is worth it.

6. To overcome my loathing of making bad photographs, I ditched my pocket camera after it broke down, bought a digital SLR camera and took a photography class.

7. I bought a bicycle and try to ride it at least once, if not more, a week.

8. I let go of half of the clothes in my closet and about the same number of shoes in the rack.

9. I decided to produce less waste by bringing my own water bottle (instead of buying bottled mineral water) when I leave the house, and use reusable shopping bags.

10. My tolerance for alcoholic beverages keeps diminishing, I realized – instead of getting tipsy, I go straight to hangover, which isn’t fun. So it means less wine and beer for me.

11. I discovered I actually love routine, and have finally accepted that as much as I love traveling, I am a real homebody. Perhaps it’s a reaction to those years of living nomadically.

12. I traveled a few times with my husband. We watched quite a few live shows – musicals or concerts – this year. But I have also given myself time to be alone in contemplative retreats.

13. I have begun to take singing lesson, exploring my passion for music.

14. I find that I cannot get rid of my distaste for small talk, but what can I do? It comes with being shy (and maybe a little arrogant).

15. I have not written that breakthrough novel I set out to do, but I have begun to explore fiction writing again, my old passion, although not as much as I wanted to because of my workload.

16. I reconnected with certain old friends and decided that certain others are probably never going to be my friends again – so why bother.

17. I have started to say a little prayer again now and then, especially before I eat. These prayers are not expressions of needs or wants, but rather of gratitude and humility.

So there: no novel, not even any great plans for the future. I decided to end the list at the odd number of 17, something the old me would’ve disapproved of. I would’ve probably tried to come up with a few more items to complete the list at an even 20, or cut the list down to a precise-sounding 15.

But life – like the passage of time – isn’t always even and precise, is it? And aren’t we lucky that it isn’t.

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