THE GREATEST JOURNEY OF MY LIFE

Breast cancer is one of the biggest killers of Indonesian women. Retno I Palupi tells her story of fighting the disease.

“I regret to say that you have breast cancer,” my doctor said firmly after reading my biopsy results.

“Is that true?”

She nodded her head silently.

I tried to keep calm and strong, and asked what I should do next. I listened carefully to her advice about the next medical tests I had to undergo.

“Please ask someone to accompany you on your next visit,” the doctor said as I left.

I was alone when I received my diagnosis of Stage III breast cancer two years ago. I could not remain stoic after leaving the room. I felt my eyes sting and I burst into tears. I tried my hardest to control myself as I had to undergo other medical tests that day and in the following days to make sure the cancer had not spread. Yet, it was very difficult. I felt shocked and sad although I had suspected I might have cancer.

Breast cancer is the second highest cause of cancer deaths in Indonesian women after cervical uterine cancer. It was not something I thought about much before my diagnosis. I kept asking myself why I had the disease in my 30s. It was too early: I didn’t smoke or drink alcohol. I lived a healthy life. I had no family history of breast cancer.

But breast cancer would take away my left breast, and possibly my life. Would I die soon? So many questions filled my head and made me depressed. Finally, I was aware that I had to accept this. I never blamed God or myself because I had never expected to have this disease.

I started to create a list of thoughts about how to cope with the situation.
Death is in God’s hands. God will not give us a challenge in life without some purpose to it, and it would not be beyond my capability to deal with. There must be some wisdom behind this happening to me. I believed that I would get the answer one day later why God trusted me to conquer this specter called cancer.

I still had many things to do to make my loved ones happy. I kept filling my mind with positive thinking to master my fears and to be grateful for what I had.

On the second visit, my husband accompanied me. I was more relaxed after I learned the medical tests showed that the cancer had not spread.

“Surgery must be conducted soon,” the doctor said. “A mastectomy is a must to save your life. The next treatment is chemotherapy and radiotherapy.”

I silently calmed myself by saying “You will be fine” over and over.

Fighting this disease requires mental and financial preparation. In March 2007, a few months before my diagnosis, my boss at a foreign news agency was killed in the Garuda Indonesia plane crash in Yogyakarta. So I had no bureau chief to discuss the matter with.

However, I kept communicating with his successor, who was still in Sydney, and the former bureau chief, now based in Perth. They advised me to undergo surgery and reconstruction in Singapore. The chemotherapy and radiotherapy I preferred to undergo in Jakarta. My office paid for all the medical expenses. I was very lucky, and I thanked God that He made it easier for me to get through this difficult time. God’s hands also worked through the people surrounding me who loved, cared and encouraged me to stay positive.

I prepared myself well before undergoing the series of medical treatments. In a way, it was like getting ready to go on a long trip. I knew from my doctor and books that chemotherapy would sap me of energy, and rip the hair from my head. Healthy cells and cancerous ones are killed at the same time, and I might not be able to leave home due to exhaustion. So I installed an Internet connection to enable me to work from home, although I found I was too tired to do much after the chemotherapy. I also bought a stylish wig that was similar to my original hair color and cut for when I would be able to go out again.

My first of eight chemo sessions went well as my body was still fit. A week after the first session, I was back at work. I covered the Russian president’s official visit at the State Palace with a scarf over my partly bald head. Some of my friends who did not know about my cancer were curious.

“I just want to be fashionable,” was my response.

My head hurt from the hair loss, so my husband shaved it clean. It was the best thing to do; despite my sadness at losing my hair, I felt like I was winning the battle. I proudly noted a resemblance to Sinead O’Connor and I still wore a wig outside.

But the following sessions, given every three weeks, were tougher to handle.
After each session, I endured a terrible week of illness, vomiting up to five times a day and only able to stomach juice and bread. Then my appetite would return, and I could relax by going to the mall, watching movies and meeting friends.

And then I had to prepare myself for the next chemo session.

My body had to be fit to undergo the next round of chemotherapy. I didn’t want to delay it. I had to finish it on time. I wanted my normal life back. I had to fight it. It repeated until the last dose of chemotherapy. And I was so relieved and happy when it was over.

I confess I didn’t tell everybody about the disease, including my parents. I was afraid of their reaction and that it would affect my condition. I could imagine them asking, “Why did this have to happen to you?” Frankly, I didn’t know the answer, and nor did my doctor. I knew it would be too emotional for me. So, I decided to keep it from them until the medical treatment was completed.

Eight months later, my life was finally back. I wrote in my personal blog about my experience of fighting cancer, so everybody could know about it. My hair, including my eyelashes and eyebrows, had grown back, now even thicker and blacker. My body had recovered, and my skin was glowing, although I still wore the wig.

“You look fresh” and “You look different?” was the reaction when I returned to the office. No sadness anymore. I was more comfortable with that. Most people did not even realize that I had faced such a deadly disease.

Going through it has been a long journey. It has been an emotional roller coaster, filled with shock, denial, anger, fear and then the excitement of breaking through the barriers, and also hope. I feel reborn as better person. I continue to live a healthy life, with more fruit and vegetables. That means no junk food, shrimp, meat, preserved food or high-protein dishes that can stimulate cancer cells.

I will have to take tamoxifen for five years. I undergo checkups every three months. I am used to blood tests, scans, X-rays and ultrasounds. I get zoladex injections in my stomach, with the likelihood of a 5 percent bone mineral density loss and disruption of my menstrual cycle. I am not allowed to get pregnant unless I want to lose my life.

When I went for my yearly medical checkup in Singapore, the USG result indicated something suspicious in my right breast and my doctors decided to undergo surgery in 2008 without removing my right breast. Fortunately, the result was negative for cancer. However, I recently had my yearly medical checkup in Jakarta. The blood result was quite worrying, my doctor said. The CA 15-3, or tumor marker, that should be in a range of 0-28 had increased to 73.1.

I will not give up. I have to make friends with cancer. I have to survive and do my best in this life. I can say now that this disease has been both a mystery and a blessing to me. It gave me time to evaluate my life, look for its meaning and find truth in this experience. It made me accept myself. Although my left breast is not real, I am luckier than those who lost an arm or leg to the disease.

I am still a fulfilled woman. I strongly believe that God had a purpose by putting cancer in my life. We never know what will happen to our health without undergoing regular medical examinations. And cancer can harm anyone, not only those considered at high risk.

I hope my experience will encourage other women to do their monthly self-exam and have regular mammograms. I have lived with cancer, and I do not want others to have the same experience. But for those who do, I truly hope I can be a source of encouragement and strength to them in facing this disease.

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