Move over, BP. A major new Asian think-tank proposed revolutionary schemes to solve the oil spill problem in American waters. Or to put it another way, my noodle-shop gang was in a creative mood.
So we did some brainstorming and then sent six sure-fire schemes to solve the problem to the “what should BP do” website in the US.
6. BP’s first quarter profit this year was US$5.6 billion. Why not simply wad up the money and stuff it into the hole? There should be more than enough.
5. Simply borrow Japan’s Oita Stadium, the world’s largest dome, and drop it into the sea. (Don’t forget to ask sports fans to vacate the premises beforehand.)
4. Use genetic modification to develop sharks which drink petroleum. If people who regularly eat shark’s fin soup get sick, well, hey, that’s a bonus.
3. Why not ask Kirstie Alley, the Amazing Shape-Shifting Actress, to hand over discarded designer clothes which no longer fit her? A couple of her marquee dresses would cap the biggest oil leak easily.
2. Swallow your pride and call Namor the Sub Mariner or Aquaman for help. As any serious comicbook fan knows, these underwater superheroes can solve this kind of problem with their arms tied behind their backs, and often do.
1. And the simplest way to solve the problem? Just let Asian business people know that any oil they gather they can keep. I’m telling you, the Pacific Ocean will be SPOTLESS in a week.
Listening to all this was an American, who said his country hated being “policeman of the world” and would be delighted to see others help solve global problems.
So we switched the discussion to “new thinking” from Asia, and I consulted some regular contributors to this column. Here are three discoveries from the region which could help fix the world’s problems.
1. Earthquakes are caused by women wearing short skirts. “Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes,” Islamic cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi said recently. Reader Farah Huq sent the cutting.
2. The eating of chicken nuggets causes sex crimes. Poultry consumption causes people to behave like roosters, D.C. Peiris told an audience in Sri Lanka last week. “There is also strong evidence that partaking of food containing chicken and animal flesh causes human beings to act like animals,” he told a reporter from The Island newspaper. “In fact, scientists in USA. are now conducting a research into this matter and we would soon be able to know the final results of it.” Reader Ranil Bibile sent the news clip.
3. Gender confusion is caused by eating okra. People who eat this vegetable (also called ladies’ fingers and gumbo) become gay, researchers in Malaysia claimed. In a related discovery, homosexual activities can make you susceptible to swine flu, the Malaysia government’s official news agency Bernama News reported last week. Mel Steevens sent me that cutting.
I showed these “new thinking” cuttings to the American, whose eyebrows rose. “It’s definitely new,” he said. “But I’m just not sure it’s thinking.”
The writer is a columnist and journalist.
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