I

was led to believe that if I wanted a good career I would have to settle for a not-so-good family life, and that if I wanted a good family life then I would have to settle for a mediocre career.

But I recently discovered I can actually have both. I believe the stumbling block to achieving what I want was the idea that women can’t have it all.

I have been reading the work of motivators and what I have come to understand from them is that anything I really dream of or wish for can become a reality.

There is no question about whether I will be willing to work hard for it because I will.

The thing is, I grew up believing that all I wanted was a family and a comfortable life. In the society where I grew up, working mothers are common, but achieving something big was not really encouraged.

Wives were careful not to overshadow the careers of their husbands. I even remembered that at my mother’s elementary school, the only male teacher was the supervisor.

I’m not saying here that women should become superwomen who excel in their chosen field of endeavors. I would jokingly label a colleague “superwoman” because aside from having a job and a family to take care of without the assistance of a housemaid, she also serves her church together with her husband. She is very human, just like you and me. Her secret weapon is her husband, who helps her with the household chores and to take care of the children.

For women to succeed, we need a lot of support from our husbands and children.

The few women CEOs in Fortune 500 companies are helped by their husbands to keep up with their hectic schedules.

Angela F. Braly, the president and CEO of WellPoint, judged by The Wall Street Journal (Nove. 19, 2007) as no. 1 in “The 50 women to watch” has three children and since her appointment to the top position, her husband has decided to become a stay-at-home dad.

I think men are better at taking care of children. They are more fun to be with and are less fussy and worry a lot less than women. They are not like us who follow our children around nagging them about eating their fruits and vegetables, etc. Men are also better at discipline because they are less emotional.

It is touching to know that the former president Abdurrahman “Gus Dur” Wahid would wake up in the middle of the night to change his baby’s diaper before giving the baby to his wife for breastfeeding. Then when the baby went back to sleep he would again take the baby back to the crib.

And in Gus Dur’s political career, his wife was always at his side. This is what husbands and wives are for; to support one another.

It is important for women to have the support of their husbands if they are to contribute to building the Indonesian economy.

Most men, even if they are educated abroad, still believe that taking care of the home and children is largely the responsibility of the wives/mothers. So, if children are not doing well at school, it’s the mother’s fault.

There was recent controversy between a prominent couple whose marriage was in a shambles because the husband demanded that his wife, a famous singer and composer, should devote her time to being a full-time housewife.

There is nothing lowly about being a housewife. But if a woman is capable of doing more then she should be given the freedom to express herself, as long as what she’s doing is within the bounds of morality.

Every person, man or woman, has the right to develop themselves to the fullest. The reduced time she has with her children should be taken care of by her husband. Husbands and wives have to help one another.

Having to work at the same time take care of one’s family in the women’s movement is called a “double burden”.

If the husband does not help his wife take care of the family, indeed it becomes a double burden. But if the husband takes part in the child-rearing, like my husband does, it becomes a “double joy.”

To be able to work and create something, be productive and contribute to nation-building is a joy. To bring up children to become responsible and creative adults together with a husband is a pleasure.

Of course, in the process of doing all these things, we have our ups and downs. We can get frustrated with our colleagues or bosses or subordinates at work.

Our children can drive us nuts and show us sometimes that we have not been good examples to them.

How do we slowly change society’s attitudes toward supporting women to also dare to dream for something greater? We have to start in our homes.

We have to show to our daughters that it is important for them to be more ambitious and prepare for a career that will contribute more to society. If we have sons, fathers should set a good example by supporting their wives in their career.

This kind of education should be continued in school. Women should be encouraged to run for presidency in student councils and clubs. This is where they will first acquire their leadership skills.

Also, schools, through teachers, who ironically are mostly women, should emphasize that women should have satisfying careers. This makes women grow to be more fulfilled and therefore happier human beings. Eventually, they become better mothers and more productive citizens.

Employers also have an important role in making women succeed in the workplace and in their family lives. Companies should allow managers and employees (male and female) to have balanced working lives.

The provision of childcare in offices and factories would reduce absenteeism among employees with babies and young children. When the labor market becomes tighter like in first-world countries, more people will demand childcare and educational insurance for their children, which is something Indonesian companies should be prepared to provide in the near future.

Having fewer women in the workplace deprives Indonesia of a more humane, ethical, productive, innovative and customer-focused workforce.

Not only that, it deprives itself of managers who are more at home with routine work and have greater endurance when it comes to occasional long hours. Women can be up the whole night taking care of their sick children and be at the office the next day.

The world is just waiting for us women to start dreaming big dreams. We are already running our households. Now is the time to expand our reach. We can be a great force in all areas, in business, government and politics, science and technology. Happy Family Day!

The writer is the general manager of GS FAME Institute of Business aka Institut Bisnis Nusantara International Programs, Jakarta.