Movies and plays always differ from books

Fans of the Twilight vampire movie series told me they were disappointed the director hadn’t followed the plot of the book in the latest film. “I’m shocked,” I said. “You guys can read?”

They didn’t appreciate my cheap dig, so I switched tack, explaining that movies and plays almost always differed from the books on which they were based.

Case in point: Your humble narrator recently wrote a Christmas play. The plot: A carpenter takes his pregnant wife on a donkey to Bethlehem, she gives birth, and they have some interesting visitors, including angels, shepherds and kings. (Yeah, I borrowed the plot from this book I found.)

But the drama crew who workshopped the play during rehearsals made changes. Since the story focused on arduous journeys, young stagehands dressed in black volunteered to sprinkle fake snow, simulated rain, etc, on the travelers. Covered in black from head to toe, the youngsters looked just like ninjas (Japanese secret agents trained in martial arts) so they started to act like them.

To cut a long story short, the play premiered last week to positive reviews. But audience members all had the same reaction. No one remembered the author’s pin-sharp dialogue, the classic plot or the Deep Moral Message. Everyone summed it up as “the nativity play with the ninjas”.

Several people challenged me to point out where the ninjas appeared in the original story. I told them to check out the reference to “wise men from the east”.

Talking of movies, reader Otis Schindler was intrigued by a report in this space which said that spies were doing their work using Google these days. “Maybe if the Bond movies are remade in 21st century they will have different titles,” he said. Here’s his list of “rebooted” James Bond films we can expect as agents use Google Maps to locate secret nuclear facilities: 1) “You Only Search Twice”. 2) “The Man With the Golden Mouse”. 3) “Streetview to a Kill”. 4) “GoogleEye”. 5) “On Her Majesty’s Searching Service”.

I showed the list to the Twilight fans, and one said it was bad news: “Who’s going to pay cash to see two hours of Daniel Craig clicking a Google page?” Her best friend disagreed: “Depends on whether he does it with his shirt off.”

A pilot on Delta Air Lines got himself stuck in the aircraft toilet last week. The plane was put on security alert, but crew eventually managed to get him out. I wonder what he told passengers? “This is your Captain speaking. Boy, those door handle things can be real tricky, can’t they? But don’t worry, I’m back at the aircraft controls now.”

Surgeons opened up a man in India to discover six kilos (13 lbs) of metal in his stomach. Hospital staff said they were stunned. No doubt the man’s wife said: “So that’s where my keys went.”

A retired sheriff named Patrick J Sullivan Jr was charged with drug-related crimes last week in the Denver area. He was sent to the Patrick J Sullivan Jr Detention Facility —a place named after him. Yes, the irony gods are having another good week.

The writer is a columnist and journalist.