Wait until the plane stops or die

Don’t you just hate aircraft passengers who stand up and open the overhead luggage bins the moment the plane touches the ground?

If I was a pilot I would always taxi along the runway for a hundred meters and then slam my foot down on the accelerator so the plane does a wheelie. (When I was a kid, I could do a wheelie on any type of bike, and a plane is just like a big winged tricycle, right?) That would teach those misbehaving louts a lesson.

But their crimes are nothing compared to the antics of one Kamal Basha Ahmed, 23, an engineer. As soon as his plane landed at Chennai airport in India last week, he whipped off his seatbelt, leapt from seat 28D and raced to get off. He overpowered a flight attendant, opened the plane door and stepped out. But the plane was still moving and the steps were not in place, the Deccan Herald reported. He could have fallen to his death — but luckily the emergency chute inflated itself and he slid down to the ground level safely, the Times of India added.

Mr. Ahmed clearly wanted to be first in the passport queue, but alas for him, airline officials exacted a terrifying revenge by having him locked up for days.

That’s another thing. People are always criticizing the authorities in China, North Korea, etc., for making up laws whenever they feel like. These maligned officials can simply get jobs in airports, where they can make up instant laws to their hearts’ content, arresting people for opening doors, making jokes, walking funny, and so on. Indeed, I’d be delighted if aviation people made opening the luggage bins while the plane is moving a death penalty offense.

The man who invented the TV remote just passed away at the age of 96. I wonder if anyone tried taking his remote, putting new batteries in it, pointing it at him and holding down the red button for three seconds? Worth a try.

Public toilets in China’s capital can have “a maximum of two flies”, according to new rules, the Beijing Post reported last week. If three or more flies are found, an unspecified punishment will be administered. From past experience, I reckon the janitor will lose his karaoke club card for a month while the third fly will get the death penalty. Or the other way round. In China you never can tell.

But how do the authorities expect to get information about the “strictly two flies only” policy out to the 14-gazillion-strong fly population of Beijing? The only way I can think of is to equip each toilet with a little fly apartment containing two tiny chairs, two monogrammed mugs, two little sets of slippers, etc.

A shark named Florence in a UK aquarium has turned vegetarian. Florence now avoids meat and eats only broccoli, lettuce and celery, the media reported last week. Yeah, right. I can just picture the scene. Trainer standing on the side, thinking: “Shall I get in?” Florence, licking her lips, keeping her face straight, thinking: “Get in. Get in.”

The writer is a columnist and journalist.