True manliness is under threat as an army of Macho Boys is assembled
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Real men, stand up. Motorcyclists are claiming that the right to be macho is part of the human rights of every male. A fight started when US authorities recently banned a gathering at which bikers lock their brakes and rev their engines to see how big a cloud of dust and smoke they can generate. Angry bikers took out a lawsuit saying that men’s right to “express their manliness” was “protected by the First Amendment”.
What a wonderfully broad excuse for doing stupid, pointless things. I plan to use it frequently. “I’m sorry I ate your dinner/seduced your wife/falsified the interbank lending rate. I was merely exercising my right to express my manliness.”
I was forwarded the story above by a reader who did not wish his name to be printed as he had been “chicked” (which means beaten by a female at a sport). “Everywhere, the male sex is in crisis,” he said.
He’s right. “Maschismo On Wane” said a Wall Street Journal headline a few days ago. In India, sales of motorbikes (male vehicles) are way down while scooters (female vehicles) are soaring.
China has had a total machismo collapse thanks to Duan Yaping, headmaster of Zhenghou No. 18 High School in Henan. He got country-wide praise for redefining the concept of machismo. At his school, guys are given the official title “Macho Boy” if they a) groom their hair, b) wear neat, conservative dress, c) show respect for girls, and d) demonstrate heartfelt admiration for state-sanctioned heroes. In other words, they have to be gay. Epic fail!
Talking of epic fails, I got “chicked” by my own daughter last week. We went jogging together for the first time. “You set the pace. I don’t mind running slow or fast,” I told her. She promptly set off at the speed of the Higgs Boson particle, bending space-time and finishing the circuit moments before she started.
I arrived puffing several minutes later, pretending that I had stopped several times to help little old ladies cross the street, despite the fact that it was 11 p.m. and our suburb was deserted.
The tragic reality is that the entire male population of Planet Earth has been resoundingly chicked, starting when Oprah Winfrey, a TV presenter who looks like a collection of brown boulders, ran a marathon in four hours and 29 minutes. Most guys I know couldn’t do a marathon in four days and 29 years.
Depressed, I turned to the mainland China newspapers, a guaranteed source of amusement. I was cheered by an article which said that an ape had got into the habit of chain-smoking cigarettes and washing the nicotine down with canned beer. The other habits of the chimpanzee at a zoo in Xinjiang, China, are normal: he swings from branches, walks on his knuckles and throws his poop at people. Some onlookers find him charming while others are appalled. Leave him alone. He is merely exercising his right to express his manliness.
Meanwhile, I hope Mr Duan and his secret army of Macho Boys will be very happy together. I would love to see his face when he sits too close to one and realizes exactly what he has done.
The writer is a columnist and journalist.
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