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levator etiquette in Asia is unique. I asked readers to share their ideas about behavior in elevators and it’s time to share the results.

Etiquette (Exterior)

 1. On arrival, press both the up and down buttons to tell it to come down and get you because you want to go up, or vice versa.

 2. Repeat the above process continuously because this will make it come faster.

 3. Remember that each extra person who arrives in the foyer needs to do this or they are not entitled to use the lift when it comes.

Etiquette (Interior)

 1. When it arrives, play the fun game of trying to get in before anyone can get out.

 2. If possible, have a large ankle-jabbing trolley with you, so that you can fill the entire space.

 3. Once inside, press the button of the floor you want to go to, and then use your body to cover the panel.

 4. Lifts give you a two-minute pause from the rat race, so are a good location to ease your flatulence problem and enjoy a good belch.

The rules above are scrupulously followed in most cities I have visited in Asia, except possibly those in Japan.

But your humble narrator, who spends most of his working life in and out of elevators, favors a more creative mode of behavior, to add to the joy of life.

How You Should Behave in Elevators

 1. As each person enters the lift say, “Hi, welcome, glad to have you aboard,” and shake his or her hand.

 2. Hold the door open at ground level longer than necessary. When the other passengers glare at you, tell them that the lift is refueling.

 3. Then speak into the panel microphone. “This is Alpha Bravo Elevator one to Control. Ready for departure. Over.”

 4. When it starts to move upwards, say: “Please turn off your mobile phones and laptops as they may interfere with the navigation system.”

 5. If someone tries to get in wearing a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops, stop him, saying: “I’m sorry, you need a jacket and tie.” This creates a more dramatic impression if you are wearing only your Speedos.

 6. If your lift has a wall mirror, pull out a razor and use the mirror to help you shave.

 7. Halfway up, ask other passengers if they want chicken or fish during the lunch service.

 8. Tell people they have entered “the karaoke lift” and sing along to the muzak.

 9. Block the doorway and tell people who want to get in: “It’s US$10 for the first 20 floors.”

 10. Whenever a guy in a dark suit gets on board, sing the James Bond theme.

 11. When any male and female enter, especially if they don’t know each other, sing the wedding march and wink.

 12. When someone leaves the elevator, say, “Goodbye, darling. I’ll never forget you.”

Do the above, and you’ll enjoy the same personal attention from the building management that I always get. You can take that as a warning. — Nury Vittachi