Hi youthspeak,

I’d like to ask something that’s been nagging me for some time. Why do I always feel dissatisfied with myself?

My grades are OK (excellent, actually), I have a loving family (at least, I think so) and my friends are very supportive of me. You could say my life is quite peaceful. If you were an outsider, you would want to be me (that’s what my friends always say, anyway).

So how come I always feel depressed? It’s like I’m carrying around a burden!

I try to relax more by reading books and listening to music, but I never feel content. There’s always something that’s bothering me and I never seem to ENJOY LIFE.

Help!

Thanks for listening,

Depressed and Confused


Dear Depressed and Confused,

Thank you for your e-mail. From what you’ve described briefly, it does look like you are having a good life. Your friends may even envy you. And yet you don’t feel content. Maybe it feels like, “there must be more to life than this,” but you are not sure what exactly is missing from the picture. People might not understand why you feel restless, which may add to your frustration. Sound familiar?

When you speak about satisfaction, or the lack of it, another way to describe what you are talking about is the fulfillment of needs. We feel satisfied when our needs are met. The thing is, we can only work to satisfy our needs if we know what they are, right?

Humans have five levels of needs they try to satisfy. Abraham Maslow is a wellknown psychologist who came up with this idea many years ago. If you make a sketch of these five levels, it may look like steps on a ladder, because each need is built on top of another. We can only try to satisfy the second level when the first level has been reached, and so on all the way to the highest level. As you think about these levels, think about what you already have and what you are trying to satisfy. Here they are one by one:

The first level is basic physiological needs. This covers all the things we need to stay alive, like food, water, breathable air and sleep. Probably your needs on this level have all been taken care of, right? If so, then we can consider the second level, the need for safety and security. If this level is satisfied, then you feel safe sleeping in your house at night. You know whom you can ask for help when you need it. You don’t have to worry about money.

The third level is the need for love and belonging. If this level is satisfied, then, for example you feel loved and supported by your family. Your classmates accept you. You may feel proud to be part of your school and that you belong in your classes, among your friends.

The fourth level is the need for self-esteem. This includes the sense that you can do what you do quite well, and that you feel that your achievements are appreciated.When you talk about getting good grades, this may contribute to your self-esteem.

The fifth – and highest – level is the need for self-actualization. If you can satisfy the first four levels of needs, you are fortunate.  And you have reached a point in life where you want to do something meaningful for you and perhaps for others, too. You no longer do things just to keep alive, or to feel safe, or to feel loved or to be praised. You do these meaningful things because doing them simply feels good and is good for you and others around you.

Now, where do you think you are in these levels right now? Think about it for a while. Your next question might be: so how can I go to the next level?

If Maslow is right, then our highest aim is self-actualization. Now, another expert, Stephen Covey, has said that we must begin with the end in mind. So, if we want to go up to the next level, think about how you want to actualize yourself. The rest of the needs will follow.

For this exercise, let’s pretend you are into tennis and physics. Here are some suggestions
for you:

Find your passion. Think about what you love to do and what kind of work you want to do when you are older.

Keep at it.  Keep on learning and practicing how to get better at what you really care about. So, keep practicing your tennis swings and keep yourself fit. And if physics is your thing, keep on learning different theories and formulas.

Know your idols. Find out who is really good at what you like to do, and learn about how they do it.  If you google “Kim Clijsters,” you will find out how this Belgian girl faced challenges — her father’s death, early retirement from tennis to get married, a baby — but she came back to win the US Open. And the budding physics talent in you might want to find out about Einstein’s life, including how he came up with his theory of relativity. 

At first, you might start out by imitating your idols, copying what they do and even how they look. This is fine in the beginning. Eventually you will mimic less and find your own style. Trust me, it will be much more satisfying when you become an original!

Enjoy the ride. Whatever challenges you may encounter as you pursue your passions, they will make your journey an interesting one.  

Good luck, and let me know how it goes,

Nelden