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Before 'I Do': Making the case for a prenup

Love may conquer all, but a prenup can help protect the life you're building together, whether you're ultra-rich or not.

Adelia Anjani Putri (The Jakarta Post)
Jakarta
Thu, October 31, 2024

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Before 'I Do': Making the case for a prenup Shutterstock (Shutterstock)

L

ife is simpler when the biggest debate in a relationship is whether to split the bill on a date, that’s TikTok material. But when the state, the legal system and religious norms get involved, things get complicated.

And when you call it quits? It. Gets. Messy.

In an ideal world, love and money would stay in their own separate lanes. But the truth is that once you tie the knot, love and money also become entwined and tangled up in the realities of everyday life.

This leads to a fundamental question: Does love really conquer all when it comes to money?

The reality is that marriage and money are not just private matters. Indonesia’s Marriage Law sets the stage for how wealth and property are handled in marriage. Under Article 35, any property acquired during the marriage becomes joint property, except gifts or inheritance, which remain private unless both parties agree otherwise.

Read also: 'Mom, I'm tired. Can I sleep in your house tonight?'

Interestingly, while the law covers property, it leaves out one crucial part of financial life: debt. As personal debt within marriage isn’t clearly regulated, in the event of death or divorce, resolving it is often left to the courts to decide.

This is where a prenuptial agreement, or prenup, becomes valuable: Having a clear agreement from the start on matters involving both wealth and debt can prevent a lot of future headaches.

.Shutterstock
.Shutterstock (Shutterstock/.)

Not just for the ultra-rich

A prenup is basically a legal contract that couples sign before marriage to clarify how their assets, debts and other financial matters will be handled.

While lawyers might have standard templates for this, couples often add clauses tailored to their own concerns, as evidenced by some of my friends’ prenups. Typically, they cover things like which property stays separate, whether debts are shared, and if inheritance is kept private.

They may outline who pays for which household expenses, grant each partner autonomy over their own spending and clarify custody and alimony arrangements in case things don’t work out.

Prenups can even cover the husband and wife’s domestic and other responsibilities, such as clarifying whether or not one partner is responsible for supporting the other’s relatives.

But should you care about prenups if, like me, you’re not part of the top 1 percent?

It turns out prenups are no longer just for the ultra-rich. They’re becoming increasingly relevant for middle-class couples, too, because a prenup isn’t just about protecting massive fortunes, it’s also about setting clear expectations between a couple.

“There isn’t one ideal financial management arrangement once you’re married. Each family is different and has unique needs,” says Elly Nagasaputra, a counselor at Konseling Keluarga.

The important thing, she says, is that the arrangement suits the family’s needs and is mutually agreed upon by both partners.

.Shutterstock
.Shutterstock (Shutterstock/.)

Pros vs cons

So, do we all need a prenup?

“It depends,” Elly says, listing five scenarios where having a prenup might be smart.

First, if one or both partners run a business, a prenup can protect their assets if things go south. Second, when there’s a significant difference in net worth between the couple, it helps clarify that their intentions are sincere.

Third, if there’s potential for future conflict, like differing financial goals or lifestyle expectations, a prenup sets clear boundaries early on. Fourth, if there's a history of issues such as infidelity or problematic habits like gambling, a strong prenup can provide extra security.

Finally, if external threats are anticipated, like interference from family, a prenup can help safeguard the relationship from unwanted outside influence.

Are there downsides?

“From a legal perspective, I don’t think there are any,” says Dewi Sekar Arum, the founding partner of ARMA Law. “Except perhaps that it’s uncommon and seen as taboo.”

I can already hear the “we’re in Indonesia, this isn’t something we do” response in some readers’ minds.

But the reality is that conflicts do happen.

“Many people focus on the negatives, thinking it shows distrust or disrespect. But I always tell them, if your intention is good, why be scared? If you have no intention to cheat or hurt your partner, why not have that extra layer of protection?” Elly says.

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Stephanie, 32, attests to the benefits of a solid prenup. Long before she got engaged, she knew wealth separation in marriage was something she wanted.

“My father is a businessman, so I saw firsthand how important it is to have this kind of agreement. Things can go wrong in business, and I wanted to protect myself and my future kids from any liabilities,” she explains.

“It was never about a lack of trust; it was more like insurance.”

When her marriage ended, the prenup made the separation as quick and as painless as possible, with no fights over assets or alimony.

“I highly recommend everyone consider it,” she says.

“If you’re with someone without ulterior motives, and you both want to protect each other, as long as you agree on the terms, why not sign it?”

Armita, 31, also stands by the value of a prenup. Married to a Dutchman, she found the discussion relatively easy, as prenups are common in Europe.

“It wasn’t the most romantic topic to discuss, but we’ve always been transparent about everything, including finances. It might be a bit taboo here, but it’s culturally acceptable for my then-boyfriend,” she adds.

Many people don’t realize, Armita says, that signing a marriage certificate effectively means you’re entering into an agreement dictated by the government. But with a prenup, you have the option to set your own terms.

Her mother was skeptical, though, saying she couldn’t understand why the couple would start a new chapter together by thinking about worst-case scenarios.

“I explained to that it’s just a safety net, in case things go wrong. Nobody gets divorced because of a prenup, but if something happens, we have that protection in place,” she says.

A year into marriage, she says, the prenup hasn’t affected their relationship dynamics at all. “Once it was signed, we never talked about it again.”

What if it’s too late?

Fret not, says Arum, there’s still the option of a postnuptial agreement.

“As more people request prenups, we’re seeing a rise in postnups as well, usually from couples who didn’t think about it before marriage or waited until certain milestones were reached,” she says.

However, postnups only take effect from the moment they’re signed, so they won’t apply retroactively. Like prenups, postnups can also be updated over time as circumstances change.

"Nobody gets divorced because of a prenup, but if something happens, we have that protection in place." - Armita

At the end of the day, it’s not about expecting the worst but being prepared for life’s unexpected turns. Whether it’s for a prenup or postnup, these conversations may feel uncomfortable or even unromantic, but they’re part of protecting the life you’re building together.

And yes, you can believe that love conquers all, but before you say “I do”, it’s still worth asking: What about the money?

 

Adelia Anjani Putri, a communications consultant and former reporter, has found herself writing again. She’s also exploring a career shift that would let her pursue her passions for cooking and catsitting, ideally with a paycheck.

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