Veronica Adesla (Courtesy of Veronica Adesla)

Why are you so thin? Why are you so fat? Why don’t you have a partner yet? Why do you work so long for such a small salary? Why is your apartment so messy? Why are your clothes so dirty?

It may be unbelievable that no matter how old we get, our parents can still treat us like children by asking such personal questions. This is why many people find it difficult to interact with their elderly parents.

Some adults who live separately from their parents even avoid visiting their parents, simply because they don’t know how to deal with their parents’ “authoritarian” attitude.

“I often find my parents’ criticisms hurtful. This is why I am sometimes wary of visiting my parents, although of course I also miss them sometimes,” says Sari, a 25-year-old professional.

This breakdown in communication harms parents as much as it harms their children.

"[...] Parents with neuroticism are also more prone to criticizing their children constantly.

According to D.Y. Suharya, the Asia-Pacific regional director of Alzheimer’s Disease International (ADI), many elderly adults in Jakarta reported that they feel lonely.

Meanwhile, clinical psychologist Veronica Adesla says that maintaining compassion in one’s relationship with one’s parents takes hard work, since it is an emotionally charged relationship.

She says that conflicts can occur between children and their parents, especially when adult children and their parents have different views, whether on politics, lifestyles or values.

“For instance, [parents] may criticize their adult children for being single and that they are too ambitious career-wise, when in fact the children are simply happy prioritizing their careers over marriage,” says Veronica.

“Oftentimes, parents may forget that when communicating with their adult children, it is much better to have open discussions and conversations, rather than giving their children advice all the time. Parents with neuroticism are also more prone to criticizing their children constantly,” she adds.

So how should adult children manage their relationships with their parents so they can enjoy their time together and not end up in an argument?

One way is to limit the time you spend together. If you are aware that you often end up fighting with your parents over your differences, it may be best to learn to recognize when you have overstayed.

“Whenever I stay over at my parents’ house, I will only stay there for two nights max. If it’s more than that, I know we will get into a fight,” Sari says, laughing.

Veronica also suggests that, when you feel hurt by your parents’ comments, simply tell them that you appreciate their concern, you have tried your best to improve as a person and that you are happy with your life right now.

"Please, don’t play on your smartphones around them.

After all, nobody’s life is perfect. Besides, your parents just need to know that you are OK.

“Also, tell them that you will go to them for advice on your situation when you need it,” adds Veronica. And if your parents start a potentially divisive conversation on politics or life values, it is best to divert it.

“Engage them in a new activity. Take them somewhere else to change the situation,” she says.

As for shared activities, Suharya says to give your parents your undivided attention whenever you are with them.

“Please, don’t play on your smartphones around them,” she stresses.

In being wise about how we maintain our relationships with our elderly parents, we are attending to their needs as much as ours. After all, despite our differences as adults, we also share fond memories with each other. Focus on that instead.

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