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Facing the big taboos in marriage
"When I found him talking on the phone to a woman in the middle of the night, my whole word collapsed," an American expat remembers tearfully
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"When I found him talking on the phone to a woman in the middle of the night, my whole word collapsed," an American expat remembers tearfully.
Diane (not her real name) has been living in Jakarta for five years together with John, her husband of 12 years, and their three children aged six, nine and 11 years.
"It turned out that she was his mistress for some months already and suddenly all the bits fell into place."
Diane recalls the many business trips her husband made during this time, suspicious stopovers in Bali where he stayed in beach villas, longer than normal office hours and a general lack of interest in her and her needs.
"He even managed to see his mistress, a flight attendant, on the day of my birthday and let me and the children wait for him at the cinema," she recalls bitterly.
"I never doubted him, I always trusted him. But he cheated, lied to me and broke his promises. He doesn't have values anymore. I*m done with him," Diane concludes.
Soon after she discovered his affair, she asked her husband to leave their house. John, who has been living with his mistress for some weeks now, admits that he doesn't feel any guilt.
"Our marriage was not great even before we came to Jakarta. We were parents, but not a couple any more. I had the right to stray."
Diane and John's story is not a unique incident.
Michael Beaumont-Connop, psychotherapist and clinical director of ICAC Professional Services (www.icacservices.org) in Kemang, sees couples like John and Dian on a daily basis. He mainly provides counselling to English-speaking expatriates in Indonesia and has been working as a counsellor for almost 30 years all over the world.
"Infidelity happens in very, very many expatriate families and causes massive damage. Very often the family disintegrates, which is even more difficult in a foreign country and adds so much more suffering and misery to everyone involved."
Why marriages are particularly challenged in an environment like Indonesia?
Janet, another experienced psychotherapist specialized on couple therapy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, considers expatriation itself a massive stress factor.
"If the marriage is already shaky before you leave your home country, chances are that your relationship will not survive the expatriate lifestyle," she said.
This lifestyle translates into a standard of living much higher than in the respective home countries. Fancy houses, golf clubs, maids, a cook, drivers and gardeners are readily available for living in the golden expat bubble.
It comes at a price, though. The wife typically stays at home because she doesn't have a work permit. The husband, who normally is the main breadwinner, spends most of his time away from his family. He leaves early, comes back late, or is away for days, or weeks on business trips.
While he claims pressure is on him to perform for the family income, she feels isolated, left alone with child and household tasks. Added to this, she misses her own work life, which she gave up to follow her husband. Too often, anxiety and depression set in, turning eventually to alcohol and medication to soothe her pain in some cases.
"It is a recipe for disaster," says Beaumont. "He starts to resent her whining and complaining, he leaves on the weekends more often, or accompanies his co-workers to their favourite bar."
As Western expatriate men's status is higher than in their home countries, they are targeted by younger women. Too often an affair is the quick fix and heats up the vicious circle of guilt, pain, lack of communication and trust.
"These couples come to counselling. It's a typical, very sad problem," Beaumont says. "But there's help, and there's hope. If the couple was ever in love and that love is still somewhere kindling within, with careful understanding and proper guidance they can recover and really learn from their experience."
Still, he admits that the experience of infidelity can never be removed, as scars will always remain.
"But there can be useful lessons drawn for the moments of future difficulties from good and healing interpretations from these scars."
The standard approach in marriage counselling starts with developing an idea of what might happen in the process. This involves concepts like trust, confidentiality and nonjudgement.
"People won't change if they have no faith, or trust in the facilitator. The couple, or family, must take some ownership of the therapy," Beaumont explains.
He concedes that this task is not easy.
"You need assessment and then therapy. It's like going to a gym. You can't expect to change your entire physique in three months, when it has taken a lifetime to create."
When children come into the equation, dynamics change.
"When children are involved, usually a couple will try harder to keep a relationship. If parents separate, though, they are helped to do it with the least damage and to maximize the opportunity for continued meaningful parenting," he said.
But infidelity issues are not the only reason couples seek help.
"In fewer than 50 percent of the couples I see, infidelity is an issue," Janet estimates. "Many come because they want make a last effort before they call it quits. Others have already separated and need some advice to explore options how to do it in the best way, without causing additional damage, especially when children are involved."
Some couples need counselling because of their different communication styles and habits, which could become a threat in the future.
Kate, an Australian expatriate, and her husband Dave, wanted marriage counselling as a preventive measure.
"When you are together for many years, you know the tunes of your spouse. You've seen and heard it all. With a counsellor around, you suddenly discover new tunes, hidden messages, you have not read before. Counselling helps to make these messages clearer, you can nail them and work with them better in the future."
Thus, building and supporting a meaningful relationship, especially in an expatriate framework, seems to be the big challenge.
"People have to invest in the gym for example, and in time and effort with therapy. For couples and families, the expatriate lifestyle is one of the hardest on the planet," Beaumont says.
