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How to navigate unwanted questions and survive family gatherings
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h yes, Ramadan is that beautiful time of year when families, both near and far, flock to each other’s homes to share cherished meals and conversations. Yet, for some younger members, an unwelcome part of the experience is the onslaught of well-meaning but intrusive questions from relatives.
We’ve narrowed down the five most common questions to avoid or, failing that, to prepare for at your next family gatherings. Though some of these seem as inevitable as the setting sun, remember that they probably come from a place of care, however misguided they may sound.
1. Academic achievements
If you are in high school, brace yourself for university questions from your aunt or uncle. Your cousin, you see, set the bar high as an alleged straight-A student with a full ride scholarship up until her Ph.D.
If you are already in university, there is still no escape as you will be asked about when you are graduating. Your cousin, don’t forget, graduated magna cum laude while volunteering in orphanages and completing a dissertation on Egyptian beetles.
Students will likely be all too familiar with that dreaded experience of family members comparing your academic achievements with their own progeny.
Take it from someone who broke rank from a STEM-centric family to earn a bachelor’s degree in fashion design: you can burn out even in a major you genuinely like, so stay firm to your major and/or university of choice. Remember, it is your journey, not a competition.
Read also: Five things to know before booking an iftar gathering
2. Jobs and finances
Money, money, money, must be funny to your rich aunts and uncles. Except they are not rich, they are just too comfortable with intrusive queries.
While you are here being grateful for making more than the minimum wage, they’ll remind you all about your cousin off in a faraway land making thousands of dollars. He or she is an astronaut, a finance bro and a world-class athlete all in one. Your aunt can be quite the creative storyteller!
But keep in mind that success comes in many forms, not just money and job titles. Redirect the conversation towards hobbies or shared interests to keep things light.
Failing that, try a new way to bore them: start talking about the inherent injustices in traditional capitalistic structures, or dive into topics like decentralized finance and the gig economy.
3. SOs and wedding bells
If you already have a fancy job, the next point of contention will be when you will settle down.
If you are still single, your generous aunts and uncles are here to play Cupid. Cue the long lost child of a family friend that just moved back from Antarctica after almost single-handedly saving the ice caps from melting altogether. What a catch, right?
If you are with someone, then when are you walking down the aisle? Good luck to your significant other (SO) if they decided to join you in a meet-the-family gathering.
Here is what we do know: if your SO is brave enough to spend the holiday with you and your relatives, they are in it for the long haul. But for those of you that are just not ready to walk down the aisle yet, give them the traditional Hollywood answer and explain how you would want to have the first baby out of wedlock before you exchange rings. They would make such cute ring bearers!
But seriously, your single status is not a problem to be solved, and your relationship status does not define your worth.
Read also: Celebrating women on screen and in print
4. Kids, and more kids
Tick tock, it is your biological clock. Time's-a-wastin, so you need to feel the need… the need to breed!
While we personally have yet to cross this bridge, our extensive eavesdropping experiences inform us that the first child is a necessity, the second is a friend for the first, and the ones after that are usually about accumulating a variety of genders. It is important to note that to the elders, pets and plants are not included in this conversation.
Let’s be honest, being around your cute little nieces and nephews could already be the best kind of birth control there is. Regardless, your life choices are yours alone, whether or not they include parenthood.
If deflecting the question does not work, try this: look horrified and scream from the top of your lungs: “Children? In this economy?”
5. Weight
This one really hits a soft spot for us. In the eyes of the relatives, the weight of a person can only be categorized into two: obese or skeletal.
The questions often come with a delicate scrutiny of the contents of your plate. Ketupat and Opor Ayam are often served with a side of patronizing lectures. Remember kids, it’s not offensive, it is “constructive criticism.”
Let’s get one thing clear: your weight is something that only concerns yourself, your doctors and that ratty old pair of jeans you have been hiding in the back of the closet waiting to fit you once again. Don’t let anyone send you tumbling down the rabbit hole of self-hatred, play some Lizzo and tune them out.
So instead of getting all defensive, embrace body positivity and respond with confidence before steering the topic to something else. That is the high road.
The low road is to maybe take them to the nearest mirror and turn the tables on them. It’s not offensive, it’s constructive criticism, right?
Read also: Where to get the most authentic Chinese dishes in Jakarta
This article is part of The Weekender, which comes out on the Saturday edition of The Jakarta Post. It offers a variety of lifestyle and culture articles aimed at enriching your reading experience. Subscribe here to get access to the Saturday edition and all other premium content from The Post.
