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Book Review: When depression leads to a suicide pact
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Convincing Roman to come around to a similarly optimistic view of things, however, is an entirely different matter. (Shutterstock /-)
S
ixteen-year-old Aysel is haunted by her father's crime. Whispers follow her at school. Loneliness welcomes her at home. Depressed and afraid she will turn out to be a criminal just like her father, she spends her time planning her own death.
I bet if you cut open my stomach, the black slug of depression would slide out. Guidance counselors always love to say, “Just think positively,” but that’s impossible when you have this thing inside of you, strangling every ounce of happiness you can muster. My body is an efficient happy-thought killing machine.
From an internet forum dedicated to finding suicide partners, Aysel finds FrozenRobot. Despite being popular and athletic, FrozenRobot, alias Roman in real life, is a boy who is consumed with guilt after the death of his sister.
Upon meeting each other, Aysel and Roman are determined to end their lives together. Except, as their interactions become more frequent, a connection seems to grow between them. Aysel starts to question her decision to die, realizing that there are still things worth living for.
Convincing Roman to come around to a similarly optimistic view of things, however, is an entirely different matter.
Depression and suicide are tough subjects and the book can get so dark and gloomy that it’s hard at times to keep reading. But the writing flows smoothly and this book is a page-turner. It spirals down into the depth of depression and yet still manages to shed some hope.
After finishing this book, I tried to find more information about suicide pacts. It's heartbreaking to learn that there are such things. People who think suicide is selfish or cowardly clearly don’t understand depression.
When you're depressed, your brain manipulates you into thinking that your family and the rest of the world would be better off without you. The author portrays this very well through Aysel's character. I found her very relatable and a strong and well-developed protagonist.
Does a dead body still have potential energy or does it get transferred into something else? Can potential energy just evaporate into nothingness? That’s the question I don’t know the answer to. That’s the question that haunts me.
The romance is built up slowly. You can see from the beginning that Roman is meant to be the love interest, but he's not only that. He is as complicated as Aysel. His kindness is often shadowed by his selfishness, especially when he keeps reminding her not to bail on their plan so that he can have a partner to die with.
My main problem with this book is that Aysel's realization comes too suddenly. Her decision to not continue with the suicide plan seems to come out of the blue. Yeah sure, so she's in love. So what? She's not depressed anymore now?
It's too simplistic to say that love cures depression and love conquers all. I think what this book is trying to say is that it helps a lot to have someone who understands your sadness, and that's what I see in Aysel and Roman's relationship. It would be nice, however, to see Aysel climb out of depression more gradually.
Title: My Heart and Other Black Holes
Author: Jasmine Warga
Year: 2015
Score: 4/5
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Annisa Ihsani is a writer, book nerd, and mother of one. She is the author of middle-grade novel "Teka-Teki Terakhir" (Gramedia Pustaka Utama, 2014 ).
