Grieving the loss of a loved one is a difficult process, but there are ways to navigate through it.

Raj Phanden, a 37-year-old Ayurvedic practitioner and medical doctor from Haryana, India, who now cycles across various countries to raise awareness about health and environmental issues, suffered devastating blows several years ago from a series of losses within a short period of time. His wife died in a car accident and soon afterward, both of his parents passed away.

“When you love someone and they suddenly die, your life is totally changed. At that time, I wasn’t able to do the things that I had previously enjoyed and had difficulties in falling asleep,” he told The Jakarta Post during his awareness campaign to Jakarta.

Those of us who have lost a loved one might be familiar with grief. According to Indonesian clinical psychologist Veronica Adesla, grief was a natural emotional reaction that followed the loss of a loved one.

Veronica said the grieving process could be particularly difficult for individuals who suddenly lost their loved ones, especially when the death occurred as a result of unforeseen events such as accidents or crime. This also applied to individuals who suffered a series of losses within a short time, she said. 

“Grieving is a normal process when you go through highly intense emotions such as anger or sadness following the loss of a loved one. You might also weep intensely during these moments. It’s OK to have these feelings,” explained Veronica, who works for Personal Growth, a psychological services and counseling center. 

She warned that people who were in denial of their grief and refused to fully experience their emotions would only suppress the pain. One day, she said, this person would experience something that would trigger a memory of their loss and, as a result, unleash a more intense pain that could be destructive.

Denying one’s grief could also result in clinical depression, she said.

“It could result in suicidal thoughts, a lack of joy when engaging in activities that one previously enjoyed, as well as a refusal to engage in activities one previously enjoyed and a withdrawal from one’s inner circle for more than two weeks,” said Veronica, pointing out some of the symptoms of clinical depression.

Therefore, she underlined that the only way out of grief was to go through it. One big question, however, remains: When fully experiencing the pain of grief in order to get through it, what could we do so that we are destroyed by such pain?

There were some coping methods people could use to navigate these difficult times, said Veronica. It was important to continue with day-to-day activities without overloading oneself excessively as a way to numb the pain, she said. 

“You need to keep working, because that helps buffer the rational part of your brain from the highly intense and emotional part of your brain, without numbing the pain. It’s OK to still show up at work while being sad,” she explained.

She added that daily activities helped a grieving person to create what psychologists termed “a new normalcy”: a new way of living one’s life after the changes brought on by the death of a loved one.

“When it’s time to socialize with your friends, socialize. Allow them to lend support without becoming dependent on them. Then, when the time comes for you to go home and be alone to experience your grief fully, take your time,” she advised.

Providing a safe space to fully experience her grief was what 63-year-old Elisabeth Sianturi did when, in 2011, her husband of more than two decades suddenly passed away.

“When one of my family members offered to live with me and accompany me around the clock, I gently said no,” said Elisabeth, who lived alone after her husband died. “I felt like I needed time to be alone in my house. Only then, could I cry and process these difficult emotions.”

Veronica said grief could also be triggered by certain events.

“You might be cooking for two people and then become aware that the other person you cooked for — your husband, for instance — is no longer alive. It’s OK, do not suppress that emotion. Don’t be afraid of it; just cry and let it rip. It’s going to be OK,” she said.

Veronica also advised to look after one’s physical health during the grieving period, as it helped to make the process somewhat easier.

“Don’t forget to eat nutritious foods, get enough sleep and take physical exercise regularly. Meditation also helps,” said Veronica. She also advised that if someone who was grieving refused to eat or sleep after the death of a loved one, then friends and family should refer the person to a therapist to help resume their normal eating and sleeping habits.

Eventually, after going through this process, an individual would be able to recall the loss, but without the emotional intensity that initially accompanied the recollection, Veronica said. 

“After you have [gone through] your grief, you can still feel sad when you remember your departed loved one, but not with a crippling intensity,” she said.

She explained that the grieving process typically resolved itself within two years of the death of a loved one. The process might take longer for those who suffered sudden or serial losses, she said.

“Most people are equipped with high resilience to deal with the grieving process,” she said, while advising people to seek professional help if they experienced any signs of clinical depression.

“You could also remember them fondly and maintain your emotional connection with them in a different way. For instance, you could still maintain your connection with your late mother by following the principles she taught you while she was still alive,” Veronica said.

Phanden decided to honor the memories of his wife and parents through his health and environmental campaigns. After taking some time off to heal, Phanden decided in 2016 to sell a plot of land he owned to finance his journey.

Since then, he has been cycling across various countries, including his native India and Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Myanmar and Malaysia, to give presentations on the importance of a healthy and environmentally friendly lifestyle, which are tied to Ayurvedic practices that rely heavily on vegetables and plants.

“Cycling came [up] as a hope for saving lives across the world. Road accidents, to which I had lost my wife, are tied to environmental degradation. My parents’ deaths have also reminded me how important a healthy lifestyle is,” Phanden said, explaining how he reinterpreted his loss and maintained emotional connections with his departed loved ones.

“This way, I carry their spirits within me,” he added. “I am happy when I see the positive impact I have brought to other people’s lives through my campaigns. For instance, when a man I met in Vietnam told me he had taken up cycling and, to support this new habit, he had given up smoking.”

“I would like to go to 200 countries to spread this health and environmental awareness,” he said.

His activity helps him not only hold onto fond memories of his loved ones, but it also keeps him going in life by learning about different cultures and ways of living.

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