Yayuk Basuki: JP/Marcus Momm

When Yayuk Basuki decided to return to the international tennis circuit at the age of 37 earlier this year to play doubles, the natural assumption of many people was that it was for the money.

What else could account for the fact that the former world number 19, who retired at the end of 2001, was leaving her husband and young son behind in Indonesia? 

In fact, Yayuk, who won US$1.6 million during her career, says that is not the reason. “I’m motivated by the love of the game and to stay healthy,” she says from a tournament in the United States. “I never thought I would come back.”

She turns 38 on Nov. 30, and dreams of playing a Grand Slam tournament again, especially at Wimbledon.

For some, however, falling on hard times would have been an easier, more understandable reason to accept her leaving her family rather than her pursuit of personal goals and self-fulfillment.

For, given prevailing views, women should put their families first — and their own concerns a distant second.

Women who leave their homes to earn a paycheck for their husbands and families abroad, like thousands of Indonesian migrant workers every year, are considered self-sacrificing heroes. In contrast, those who head out in search of themselves, whether through their careers or through education, are often branded as selfish and egotistical.  

Yayuk, who has won a couple of satellite tournaments in Germany and the United States with fellow Indonesian Romana Tedjakusuma, admits that not all of her family members agreed with her decision. But the ones who mattered — her husband Heri Suharyadi and son — gave her their blessing.

“It’s hard,” she says of the separation, “but we keep in touch all the time.”

The reaction is often unsupportive, even condemnatory, causing conflicted feelings and guilt among women.

“Sarah”, a British expatriate in her mid-40s, returned to working in international aid work in Indonesia when her two children were teenagers.

She remembers she was in her late 30s, taking care of her children, when she thought, “is this it?”

“For most of my life, I had put my marriage and children first, and then I wanted to see what I could do,” she says.

It was supposed to be for a year, but after three months her husband sent her an ultimatum to come home or else. “not good with ultimatums,” she says of her decision to continue in her job and get a divorce. Her children stayed with their father in Europe; although her daughter backed her decision to do what she wanted in life, her son was not happy.

Now in his mid-20s, he remains bitter about her decision. “I’ve invited him to come out here but he refuses,” says Sarah, who is now pursuing another dream with a community-based tourism project. “He says he would like to see the country but it would be like agreeing with my decision to do this.”

She has no regrets about the decision.

“It definitely wasn’t about the money,” she says emphatically of her aid work and running the new business with an Australian partner who is in the same situation as her. “But I found the real me, instead of playing at being someone I wasn’t.”

She also takes comfort in the example of Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro, the late mother of U.S. president-elect Barack Obama.

Her father read an article about Soetoro — who studied and worked in Indonesia while her young son eventually chose to stay with his grandparents in Hawaii — and told her, “that’s you!”

Soetoro’s friends told New York Times reporter Janny Scott earlier this year that the separation was painful for her. Obama’s half-sister, Maya Soetoro-Ng, said in the same article her difficult choices were entirely in keeping with her philosophy of life.

“She felt that somehow, wandering through uncharted territory, we might stumble upon something that will, in an instant, seem to represent who we are at the core,” said Soetoro-Ng.

“That was very much her philosophy of life — to not be limited by fear or narrow definitions, to not build walls around ourselves and to do our best to find kinship and beauty in unexpected places.”

Human relations expert Eileen Rachman says society still expects married career women to also take care of their households, the much-vaunted “super woman” able to be successful on all fronts. She admits it is cultural and chauvinistic, but adds “you can be successful and motherly together”.

But physical absence from one’s family for long periods of time, she believes, has too many effects on the woman and her family. “The question is what price you are paying,” says Eileen from the Experd consultancy. “It you can’t afford it, then you stay.”

Yayuk’s husband, Suharyadi, says he was surprised by her decision to return to competitive tennis, not because she was leaving him and their 9-year-old son, but because of the hard work required to get fit for the tour.

“Yayuk is very strong-willed and I knew she wanted to do this, so I accepted it and support her,” says Heri, a former player who now coaches.

“People get it wrong if they look at it as something selfish. They should think of it like the people in motor racing and other sports who have wanted to make a comeback.”

He says he has gained newfound respect for his wife in his new role taking care of the household.

“I do things like pay the electricity which I didn’t before. And I have also become closer to our son because I spend more time with him now.”

Sarah argues that both sexes are “liberated” when they try something different from their conventional, gender-defined roles.

She has sacrificed a lot to pursue her dreams and has dealt with criticism from some of her family, but that’s the way it’s meant to be. “I didn’t want to be on my deathbed thinking, ‘oh, I wish I had done that’. On my deathbed, I’ll be able to think, ‘yes, I did that after all.”

Read more about Yayuk Basuki’s comeback in the December WEEKENDER, out Nov. 28.  

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