Although Cyndi’s song was considered a feminist anthem, I never liked it much, mainly because her original version had a whiney, nagging quality to it.  Despite this, it obviously stuck in my mind, because reading about MUI (Indonesian Ulema Council) it popped up again. Only now I realized the song could be remade as a contemporary Indonesian number: “Clerics Just Want to Have Rules”!

MUI announced that they want to regulate the use of Facebook, just as they did with Friendster and MySpace. Their concern is, of course, the issue of our morality. Again.

The clerics know – as do the rest of us (although we’re loath to admit it!) – that we Indonesians comprise a nation of easy virtue, willing to misbehave and bonk at the drop of a hat. “Just one look/that’s all it took” the 1964 Hollies’ song goes, but in today’s world it’s more like just one ‘chat’ and before you know it, it’s giggity goo time again.

I just don’t know why our ulema bother – maybe they never had Sex 101 in their school curriculum?  If they did, they’d know the benefits of sex and frequent ejaculation for men, including reducing blood pressure and stress, boosting the immune system, increasing self-esteem, reducing risk of prostate cancer, and promoting good sleep (for men at least!). Many people – governments, legislators and ulema – subscribe to the belief that rules are the best way to control human behavior. Pass a law, impose a regulation or pronounce a fatwa and that’ll do the job – not! At least not in Indonesia.

In fact, this country is a perfect example of the shortcomings of law as a means of social engineering.  Just take the pornography law and the anti-smoking ban: both soon became little more than a joke, with almost no impact on people’s behavior (not such a bad thing in the case of the pornography law!). Why, the opening film at recent V Jakarta International Women’s Film Festival in April had full-frontal nudity! Where were the ulema and the law-enforcers then? I guess they aren’t normally invited to international women’s film festivals … can’t imagine why!

Regulating moral behavior by fiat (and I don’t mean the Italian car) is something that most authority figures erroneously believe is easy, despite the fact that lust, anger, greed, attachment and ego are an intrinsic part of being human. And lawmakers, regulators and ulema are no exception! After all, what is the hardline Muslim obsession with regulating behavior and meddling into every personal aspect of our lives if not ego and attachment? It maybe ‘religious’ (whatever that means) from their point of view, but it sure ain’t very spiritual or Godly! And it doesn’t stop legislators from illicit jiggy-jiggy, or keep ulema away from those tempting second or third wives.

But if the ulema of MUI still insist on trying to regulate the rest of us, they should learn to do it properly. And when it comes to social control, where better to look than the government of China? There is even a Hadith that says “seek knowledge as far as China”!

When Facebook was launched in mainland China last year, some users found the homepage inaccessible. Was there a technical glitch? A government crackdown? Who knows, when it comes to the Web, it’s hard to tell. The Chinese government is, however, famous for blocking sites. In other countries, users get notified, but in China Web surfers get connection “timeout” which usually appears like a computer error. Technology is great, isn’t it? So very convenient for Big Brother!

And if China’s too far, then how about imitating Singapore? It’s close, full of Chinese, and the government there is on par with China when it comes to controlling people. Only in Singapore, they used a different tactic, the old “when you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em” method: the government set up its own Facebook propaganda group called ‘Reach’: Reaching Everyone for Active Citizenry @ Home”.

So how many ‘friends’ do you think the nanny state managed to win with its cunning Facebook plan? Not a lot, even after they changed their profile to ‘Ho Chee Har’, Reach’s administrator, after Singaporean Koh Choon Yoong accused Reach of violating Facebook’s terms of use. That’s right; Facebook is meant for individuals, not groups.

What happens if you are one of the few silly enough to add Reach Singapore as your friend? All your Facebook personal information is divulged to, ahem, ‘Ho Chee Har’. What’s wrong with that? Nothing really, I suppose, given that there are closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras on every public train and bus in Singapore and hundreds more stalking street corners, and given that the government controls telephone and Internet providers, and given also that in 1999 SingTel was scanning the computers of twenty thousand customers without their knowledge. No, no, it wasn’t an invasion of privacy, just a “value-added service … in the interests of [the] customers” to protect them from internet viruses. Ri..i..i..iight!

I reckon the MUI ulema should go the Singapore way. It’s so much more sophisticated! Now, all we have to do is reduce the size of Indonesia’s population by 50 times, and its geography by 2770 times, to match that of our neighboring city-state, and then we might just be able to do it. Assuming a whole-load-of-government crash course in internet technology of course. And assuming the department we get to run it is not corrupt or incompetent. And doesn’t sell all its computers. Or open up a secret porno site.

In the meantime, I’ll see if I can get hold of Weird Al and persuade him make yet another version of “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”. Maybe “MUI Just Want to Have Friends” would be a better title?

Julia Suryakusuma is the author of “Julia’s Jihad”.

Note

We are reposting this article in place of the earlier one because of some editing errors.

Editor

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