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Single and Feeling Happy
A single woman past the age of 30 used to be the odd woman out in Indonesian society
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single woman past the age of 30 used to be the odd woman out in Indonesian society. She still is in the traditional view of a woman needing to have a husband and family to complete her life, but some women are content to go it alone today.
There is a certain song that is bound to get a reaction from Wulan every time she hears it playing on the radio. As she sings along to the lyrics, a smile forms on the face of the 34-year-old single woman.
"Aku baik-baik saja *I am fine* Menikmati hidup yang aku punya *Enjoying my life* Hidupku sangat sempurna *My life is very perfect* I'm single and very happy"
"That's very me. I love the song!" she says of the Single Happy by Oppie Andaresta.
She may not feel anything is wrong with her, but some others do, from family to old friends. They ask her the inevitable question: Why she has still not found the right man despite being a "mature" age.
"I used to get annoyed at such a silly question," she says with a shrug.
Living in an urban community such as Jakarta, she is more fortunate than people in small towns and villages, where an unmarried woman over the age of 30 is considered on the shelf and the pressure to marry is intense.
Women in major cities are understood to put their careers first, proving that they are capable to reach the top regardless of their gender. Many are earning good salaries and enjoy a full social life with their hard-earned money.
Marriage is a secondary concern to their career achievements, even as some onlookers tut-tut that they are being selfish in putting themselves first over what patriarchal society defines as their kodrat (destiny) to be wives and mothers. Some married women, trying to juggle their jobs and responsibilities to take care of their children, may envy the freedom they have as single women.
Wulan has worked for more than 15 years as an administration staff in a private school. In the traditional Indonesian way of looking at a woman's life - with marriage and children planned as definite parts of the journey - she should already have given up her career and settled down.
"My colleagues never ceased asking me why I wasn't getting married. Then I replied by asking, *Do I look sad with my current situation?' They answered no," she said.
It has stopped the questions, and even some colleagues have commented that she seems happier than married people.
For marriage brings its own set of responsibilities and having to think of another person's concerns. As a singleton, Wulan says, she can share her love and her freedom with others.
"If my friend asks me a favor to stay at her house on short notice, I can decide immediately because I am free woman," she says.
In the freedom traditionally enjoyed by men, she can go out with friends without having to worry about making her husband jealous. She can pursue her hobbies and activities freely without having to ask permission from someone else.
She acknowledges that she sometimes misses romantic love, which she experienced in past relationships, but it's a feeling that soon passes. "If I miss it, I usually watch a romantic film," she says with a laugh.
She believes she will one day meet the right man, her soulmate. But she doesn't know when and how it will happen. She will just go with the flow until it does, she adds.
There are other women in the public eye - from entertainers to businesswomen - who remain single, for whatever reason. Their example, despite the constant nagging question of "when .?", as well as the popularity of shows from abroad, such as Sex and the City, where women are happy to go it alone in life, make it a little easier for other women who have decided to put off marriage indefinitely or even for good.
Vivi is content with the single life, and even admits that she has lost the desire to find the "right man".
"When I was in my early 30s and found I was the only girl among friends who was not married or didn't even have a boyfriend, I was a little bit ashamed and felt panicked. How could it happen to me? I felt messed up by it."
The feeling has passed over time. Her life is fine today without a man in it. She is content to relax in her comfortable bedroom, watching TV or DVDs, listening to music or reading novels.
"My life is perfect," she says.
But her mother considers it an issue, especially as her cousins the same age have gotten married. "She frequently asks me if I don't want to have children. When I say that of course I do, but not right now because I don't have a husband, my mother will be silent."
While Vivi still lives with her mother, Wulan lives with an aunt who never asks about her not getting married. But when she returns to her hometown, her mother is sure to ask the inevitable.
"Mbak, don't you plan to get married? Look, your younger sister has two children now".
It's a headache, but she understands that it's a question that comes from her mother's concern for her future. She tries to deflect it with humor.
"If you want me to get married soon, OK, I will find a man for a three-month marriage only," she will say, adding "Is that what you expect from me, Mom?"
"I just hope you are happy," her mother will respond.
"Yes, I am very happy, Mom, being single," Wulan replies.
Read more about the changing status of relationships in modern Indonesia, and a profile of Oppie Andaresta, in the September WEEKENDER, out on Friday.
