S

urely everyone has encountered a female monster at work, and I'm not talking about the fierce female guard dog at your building's entrance or the career-driven female boss like Miranda Priestly who at least acts as a role model of career mobility.

I'm referring to that female co-worker who believes she has superior levels of both power and intelligence but is, in fact, so insecure about herself she covers it by behaving like some sort of "female dog" to everyone around her.

Seriously, why does every office seem destined to have at least one office bitch? None of whom, mind you, are ever the sharp, sleek, sexy-looking office bitches like Dita von Teese. Sadly, that breed can only be found in the pages of fashion magazines.

The day-to-day variety that we have to put up with in the real world usually sports an annoying look on her face, has less than adequate skills at putting on the right makeup, seems to have a sense of fashion based on what's hot in ITC, has excessive body fat that bulges through that cheap suit she's wearing and is just damn f-ugly!

She's only "visible" because she signed a contract to be part of the office furniture for as long as she lives, and she thinks she's the big boss's pet who can snap her stapler in anyone's face. Sorry for this outburst, but I'm sure anyone who has been treated unjustly by this type of office psycho must share my sense of loathing.

Most office bitches usually have five traits that make them, well. bitchy! They are unhappy, insecure, sensitive, jealous and judgmental. If you pay attention, you'll find that no matter how loud she barks, she'll hardly ever make eye contact with you. She only sees other people as her competitor, as if we will usurp her position at any time. And she will mercilessly spill her frustrations onto you without warning.

So what should you do?

Well, some professionals say you have to keep your head above the water, be calm and try not to show any emotion. You have to also keep a record of any psychological bullying you may have suffered at the hands of the bitch and confidently report it to your manager.

Or you can speak to her. Think of her as someone's mother, sister, daughter or wife who probably has a ton of issues. Have some empathy and act cool. Without pointing the finger, tell her the way you're being treated is unfair, and you're only there to do your job without any intention to harm anyone, including her. Say (or pretend) that you want to be a team, work with her. This will hopefully make her reassess how she treats others and will make you look like a peacemaker worthy of a diplomatic posting.

If she doesn't agree, and instead raises her war sword, then you can walk straight to the HR office and ask for guidance on how to deal with the matter.

If none of these techniques work, I can only suggest one thing. Roll up your sleeves ladies, it's time to smack this bitch up!

To deal with any office bitch you need to be at the top of your game. Step one is prepare for battle. To do this, you're going to have to have a style upgrade.

Most bitches aren't confident in their own skin. Therefore, you can employ your looks to intimidate them from the moment you step into that office. Remember in the movie The Devil Wears Prada when Andrea starts to make Emily feel insecure by dressing up at work?

You too can employ that trick. Note that you'll look unmistakably powerful and confident in a modern, sleek suit. Just flick through the fashion pages of Vogue magazine and modify any power suits you find in there to suit your style. Avoid too many "fringy" elements.

Slick hair, sleek jacket and slacks (or a pencil skirt) together with a fashionable blouse in monochrome colors complimented with big "it" belt and killer heels will bring out the Wonder Woman in you.

Once you feel strong about yourself, use your confidence to shield yourself from her mind game. I mean, what are you going to lose in taking this bitch on at her own game? Even if you are new to the company. It is true that as a new employee you must adapt and respect others who've been there longer than you, but if you feel unfairly cornered by the situation, surely you have the right to stand up for yourself.

Just remember to keep your cool and don't throw around accusations. Make sure you approach any incident with more intellect and sophistication than an eighth-grade teenage girl. She won't expect you to keep calm while confronting her, keep your tone steady; avoid raising your voice - that's what she expects you to do.

Don't get aggressive. Instead of getting angry back, just pity her. This way you'll feel sorry for her because her life is so depressing that she feels like she needs to bring you down. And try to add some humor to what you say; this will help you conduct yourself more civilly.

Keep your other co-workers close, talk them and learn how to perform your job at your best to avoid making mistakes. The bitch always loves to pinpoint your faults, even if it's a minor one. It is one of her most potent weapons.

Also, keep away from threatening to report her to your manager as this behavior is seen as juvenile and will only give the impression that you can't stand up to her on your own.

Maybe my suggestions are a bit too harsh because you're not naturally a bitch. Well, somebody has gotta teach this office bitch a lesson. Once you realize you are dealing with a carnivorous bitch who will walk all over you to get ahead, you will find that putting up your guard is not so hard, even if you need to become a bitch yourself.

Some people are passionate about fashion, others about art, and others are passionate about making people's lives unbearable. But can you kill someone for that reason? You can always try; otherwise beat the sociopath bitch in your life by simply being a bigger B, with style!