W

atch it. The Asian testicle-biter fish may be spreading around the world. No, that’s not a nickname for one of my kids, although it could be. I refer to the pacu, a large sharp-toothed fish known to give nasty surprises to wading fishermen in Papua New Guinea. It turned up recently in a river in Ohio, the US papers reported. I assume some unfortunate redneck went into the water as a baritone and come out singing soprano. Ouch.

Panicky locals are wondering if it’s safe to go in the water. It strikes me that entrepreneurial Asian could make good use of these fish. Last time I was in Indonesia, a shopkeeper tried to persuade me to put my legs in a fish tank where fish would “nibble off the dead skin”. I declined, as I have no idea how much of my body is functionally deceased, but suspect it is a larger percentage than one might think.

But they could make good use of the pacu fish at those sex-change hospitals in Thailand. “Just sit down in this fish tank for a moment, sir, and when you’re done, report to the cashier’s window.”

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Sign seen at beach in Thailand: “No swimming if you can’t swim.”

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Fat and poor? There’s something new to blame: your language. A researcher found that people who speak languages without a future tense (Japan, Germany and China) eat carefully and save wisely. But people who speak a language with a future tense (English) eat too much and don’t save enough. English makes its speakers fail to connect today’s actions with tomorrow’s consequences, researcher Keith Chen concluded in a Yale University report.

Abandon future tense now! If you’re going to dinner tomorrow, say: “Let’s went for a meal 48 hours from yesterday.” You’ll soon be skinnier and richer. That’s because you’ll sound like such a total wacko no one will want to eat with you.

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JP Morgan Chase revealed that it is asking certain staff to return two years’ pay to the bank. I had no idea bosses could even do that. S human resources specialist told me it was only possible if you warned the employees right at the beginning of their contracts. “Here’s your pay, and please don’t spend any of it, as we may want it all back after a few years.”

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An armed raider was in the middle of a shop robbery when his mother turned up. A Mrs. Mitchell of Mississippi, US, snatched the gun out of the hands of her son, 22, scolded him, and marched him out of the store, watched by a stunned cashier. The whole thing was caught on video. This is one of those cases where the villain has received the ultimate punishment without any help from the courts. For the rest of his life, this poor robber is going to be interrupted in his work by sniggering bank tellers, shop staff, mugging victims, etc., saying: “Run! Your mommy’s coming.”

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Thought for the day: Why do buses go twice as fast when you are running after them than when you sitting on them?

The writer is a columnist and journalist.