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n Indonesia, every brand of kecap (soya sauce) is '€œnumber one'€, or the '€œbest'€ kecap there is. How can that be? Surely, there can only be a single '€œnumber one'€?

Naturally, soya sauces vary in quality, but their makers would be damned if they said their kecap was number two or '€“ horrors! '€“ even less. The result: a proliferation of number-one kecaps (kecap nomor satu). Imagine all the one-up kecapship going on in the soya sauce business!

I reckon religion can be compared to kecap. Or more precisely, religious adherents are like kecap producers '€“ they all claim to be number one.

According to Karen Armstrong, British author of 22 books and one of the most knowledgeable writers on religion on the planet, this is precisely the problem with religion today.

Religious righteousness is the source of much tension and conflict in the world. She, therefore, wants to promote '€œthe wisdom of uncertainty'€, arguing that '€œreligion is at its best when it helps to ask questions [...] and ['€¦] at its worst when it tries to answer them authoritatively and dogmatically'€. The kecap mind-set.

But it'€™s not just religious bigots or hard-liners who are kecapers, but many of us, too. Maybe you don'€™t actually claim to be number one, but do you perhaps sometimes behave in egocentric ways that assumes you and the group you belong to '€” be it religion, class, culture or politics '€” are at the center of the universe, and that everything you believe, say and do are the only '€œtruth'€ and reality that exists?

No wonder our world is so polarized and fragmented, populated by desperate, frustrated, angry and unhappy people projecting their negativity on other equally desperate, frustrated, angry and unhappy people. And so the vicious circle goes around.

How do we break the cycle? What is the antidote?

According to Armstrong, it'€™s compassion (see '€œSpreading the message of compassion'€, The Jakarta Post, June 19). In Jakarta recently, she gave a number of lectures to packed audiences based on her 2010 book Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life.

Armstrong'€™s Twelve Steps is inspired by the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program and its set
of guiding principles to overcome addiction to a wide range of substance abuse and behavioral dependency problems, including gambling, food, sex, hoarding, cluttering, work and even debt. Egotism and self-righteousness are powerful addictions too, so it was clever of Armstrong to borrow from the AA program.

AA'€™s first step is admitting you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Replace '€œalcohol'€ with '€œego'€ and you'€™ll see what I mean. Excessive ego, like excessive alcohol, is a recipe for disaster. You become aggressive, defensive, hypersensitive and abusive even toward your loved ones. In fact, this kind of behavior simply reflects your insecurities, low self-esteem, frustration, fear and unfulfilled desires. Needless to say, ego is a barrier to dialogue, and often also kills trust, love and relationships.

In essence, Karen calls on us to practice the Golden Rule '€” '€œdo unto others as you would have them do unto you'€. This is common to all religions, and is the very essence of compassion. As Armstrong says, we need to '€œdethrone ourselves from the center of our world and put another there, and to honor the inviolable sanctity of every single human being, treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity and respect'€.

It seems simple enough: If you don'€™t like being lied to, being abused, cheated, ignored or manipulated, having pain inflicted upon you, have other'€™s traumas projected onto you, being the target of anger, insults, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, etc., then don'€™t do it to others.

But how many of us are willing to dish it out, but can'€™t take it? Many individuals and groups are guilty of this double standard but, of course, don'€™t realize it. Or if they do, they simply don'€™t care. Hmm, sociopaths in our mid? The problem is, your bad behavior impacts on the people closest to you and can, therefore, backfire. So, if you want to be happy, it'€™s in your interests to be compassionate.

Armstrong admits to being naïve in her prescription for compassion, as it seems to go against all the odds. But it'€™s a welcome naïveté. The proof? The call for compassion she formulated as the Charter for Compassion (charterforcompassion.org) after winning the TED (technology, entertainment and design) Prize in 2008 has been very well received. In fact, it has almost 97,000 signatories to date.

The Charter also includes a movement for Compassionate Cities (compassionateaction.org). Sixteen cities have signed the charter, while 82 are actively organizing to become compassionate cities.

And believe it or not, Jakarta is one of them! What? Jakarta, with its killer floods, crippling traffic jams, bad infrastructure, heavy pollution, noise, corruption, lawlessness and criminality? This city of savage capitalism that cannibalizes public spaces to be made into malls and high-rise towers, and takes from the poor to give to the rich?

Ah well, no one can deny that Jakarta'€™s got enough reasons to want to become a more compassionate place. Maybe the charter could be restated as Governor Joko '€œJokowi'€ Widodo first Jakarta anniversary pledge?

But whether we are dealing with cities, religion, businesses, families or personal relationships, compassion starts with the self. As the wizard Gandalf says in The Hobbit, '€œIt is the small things, the ordinary deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love.'€

So, forego kecap and your ego straitjacket: be kind and loving to one another. Not only will you
be happier, it might also have an enduring social and political impact!

The writer (juliasuryakusuma.com) is the author of Julia'€™s Jihad.