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Jakarta Post

The stupidest questions ever asked by officials

Be warned

Nury Vittachi (The Jakarta Post)
Bangkok
Sun, April 20, 2014

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The stupidest questions ever asked by officials

B

e warned. As soon as you become any sort of '€œofficial'€, something weird happens to your brain, forcing you to fire bizarre questions at innocent people. I'€™m constantly cursed by these, as are readers.

A businessman recently told local officials that he had no birth certificate. '€œNo problem,'€ they replied. '€œJust bring in the mid-wife who delivered you.'€

Not a joke! They demanded eyewitness proof from the woman who slipped him out of the womb 64 years ago. (Memo to new-born readers: Get the woman'€™s details now, before you forget.)

That happened recently in India, which seems to specialize in officials who make weird demands. A friend of a friend was accompanying a coffin through the airport in Delhi when an official asked what he was doing. '€œI am transporting the deceased body of an employee,'€ he explained. The official, after racking his brain for something to say, asked: '€œDid you kill him?'€ The passenger said he hadn'€™t, but I would have replied: '€œYes, for asking supremely idiotic questions.'€

But in my experience, the ultimate masters of nonsensical questions are US immigration officials. Typical conversation. Official: '€œYou were born in Sri Lanka. How come you speak English?'€ Me: '€œEr, I learned it.'€ Official: '€œWhy did you learn it?'€ Me: '€œUm, it'€™s useful.'€ Official: '€œUseful for what?'€

The truth would be: '€œTo communicate with oafs like you,'€ but I usually say something like this: '€œSo I can fully appreciate masterpieces of Western culture such as recording artiste Mr. Bieber'€™s exquisite rendition of Baby.'€ (This impresses them and gets them on my side.)

Officials once gave me a form which asked (I am not making this up): '€œDo you intend to commit terrorist acts while on US soil?'€ I wonder how many people answer '€œyes'€ to that question? Somebody must have for the question to remain on the visa form.

A US reader named Helen told me about municipal officials in her country writing a policy document defining same-sex couples. By definition, couples must have regular, active '€œconjugal'€ relations, they decided. Helen said: '€œCouncil members, many of whom had been married for many years, suddenly realized that they had disqualified themselves.'€

That'€™s an impressive entry for a high score in the competitive weirdness index, but consider this entry from India. After two years in jail, a 27-year-old man launched an appeal on the basis that he had been behind bars when the crime had been committed. I can imagine the discussion. Court official: '€œDo you have a scrap of proof that you did not commit this crime?'€ Defendant: '€œI was in a maximum security jail on the other side of town.'€ Court official: '€œOther than that?'€

Meanwhile in Europe, officials in Jersey demanded residents files Certificates of Existence. A man who turned up to provide bodily proof of his existence was told that wasn'€™t good enough, as he'€™d need paper proof and a witness.

Going back to US immigration officials, a frequent contributor called Otis wondered if they ask the same questions off duty? Spouse: '€œGood morning, dear. Would you like a cup of tea?'€ Official: '€œWhy is it a good morning? Did you make the tea yourself? Could anyone have added anything to the tea without your knowledge?'€

The writer is a columnist and journalist.

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