“Carbon is this woman that Scarlet has gone to see. She’s Carbon-made, she only wants to be unmade. There is brilliance, though, to Carbon, as there’s brilliance to a diamond. But people chip away and chip away and chip away at this person, because of their brilliance. They wanted her, so they excavated her. So, there is not a lot left in some ways, but a whole another world has been created in all ways for her to survive it. So Scarlet is having to deal with both these people who live in the one being of Carbon.”

(Excerpt from a transcript to Tori Amos’ explanation of her song “Carbon”)

In her 2005 memoir Piece by Piece, cowritten with New York Times music critic Ann Powers, singer-songwriter Tori Amos explains her song “Carbon”, written for her 2002 album Scarlet’s Walk.

She said the song was based the life experiences of her longtime friend, Nancy “Beanie” Shanks, a survivor of child molestation that went on for years (Amos herself is a survivor of sexual assault).

The song particularly deals with Beanie’s struggles with a manic-depressive disorder, an illness primarily caused by chemical imbalances in the brain but typically triggered by highly traumatic and violent life events — meaning the chemical imbalances remain dormant until certain external stressors activate them.

When I was in university, I had one female friend who was struggling with the same condition as Carbon/Beanie does. We were very close back then. She and I exchanged harrowing stories of our own experiences with physical, mental and social violence from childhood right on to our teenage years. From there, we discovered ourselves. Likewise, I also have experienced a series of wild mood swings, consisting of highs and lows which, based on my discussions with her, could possibly be caused by our own experiences with abuse.

Unfortunately, we have not seen each other for almost five years now. The last time we met was in 2011 and she told me the “old demon” — her depressive episodes — had returned. She told me to be patient, to wait for another six months. Since then, however, she has gone missing. My texts go unreplied. Her social media accounts have been deactivated. Last year, I texted her older sister regarding my friend’s whereabouts. “She’s still recovering,” the older sister replied briefly. I’ve been left to wonder and worry. Previously, it took just six months for her to recover. Is it possible that her depression got so severe this time that it lasted for five years?

***

Do you believe in reincarnation and karma? Do you believe there are people from our past lives who still have this invisible tie with us and that is the reason why we get pulled toward these people, for reasons we cannot explain or express?

Carbon is this woman that the writer has gone to see. She’s Carbon-made. She only wants to be unmade.

We met by chance in 2015. I don’t spend a lot of time with this person. We only see each other probably once a year, or even less frequently than that. We don’t even have to talk to one another. When we are in the same space, we can be very busy with ourselves: her with her laptop and me with my book. Whenever I’m in her presence, however, not only do I feel safe, I also feel this great depth of love for her. When we do talk, however, it can last for more than six hours.

As if we’re old friends, as if she’s somebody I’ve known for a very long time, but I have no idea where.

Is it possible for that to happen? Friendship, some people say, is earned through years and years of exchange and mutual respect.

I’m here to tell you that this can happen. This woman reminds me of my old friend. Like me, or most of us, she’s survived a difficult life, more difficult than most of us dare imagine. But she’s lived through it to tell me of her experiences surviving some of the ugliest facets of the human condition.

I see her personality as a reflection of mine. She taught me to keep four people inside my pocket, which, truthfully, I had done since childhood in order to survive. I, however, have frequently been using the timid cat as my main façade. She has helped me get rid of this victim mentality by breathing life into the murderous lion and the snake, along with a couple of other animals that live inside me without me being aware of them. She taught me how to morph into these animals according to different situations and strive and not to be a helpless victim anymore.

As Amos said:

“Sometimes you don’t have to necessarily spend a lot of time with somebody to have exchanged a lot of yourself. And taking away parts of them that become a part of your body map, that sort of become... written, tattooed on you in some way. And it can’t be seen visibly but it’s felt internally.”

I feel her. I remember my old college friend fondly. And I also think of this woman who I met a couple of years ago and still visit occasionally, fondly. I’m beginning to see through them to discover the beautiful spirit that lives inside them, that refuses to succumb even to the most terrible manifestations of human evil and aggression.

This article is written in honor of them, all of my female friends who are survivors past and present. And of course, Tori and Beanie. Hopefully you can all find your own little threads in our tiny little story.

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