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The polyamorous love
Aside from the huge gasp that reverberates throughout the country, the response toward the sex tape involving television personality Cut Tari and rock star Nazriel “Ariel” Ilham, has been somewhat varied
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side from the huge gasp that reverberates throughout the country, the response toward the sex tape involving television personality Cut Tari and rock star Nazriel “Ariel” Ilham, has been somewhat varied.
Keepers of traditional values were disappointed with what they viewed as “irresponsible” behavior from a wife. Many others criticized her husband for being too soft on her, in spite of an extra-marital affair with another man. But for a large number of trend watchers in Jakarta, the sex tape is more proof that what they term as an “open marriage” is alive and well in the city.
Open marriage, loosely defined as a marriage in which partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without being regarded as infidelity, is barely a novelty in what is a seemingly conservative society like ours, although it gained less notoriety than the case of polygamy, which has been accepted in the country for decades.
But some people just don’t want to admit that open marriage is an accepted practice in the country, believing that it could only happen in a more open society such as the US, where it is known by its other name, polyamory. Newsweek magazine in its July 2009 edition reported that polyamory, relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners, has started to gain a following. Those who practice polyamory insist that they are not swingers or looking only for casual sex.
Illustration by Yoshi Andrean
Researchers are just beginning to study the phenomenon, but the few who do, estimate that openly polyamorous families in the US number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city. A number of prominent celebrities such as Cameron Diaz, Tilda Swinton and Carla Bruni, the first lady of France, have voiced support for non-monogamous relationships.
“I don’t buy the concept. I don’t believe that such practice exists here,” a friend told me, believing that a healthy relationship involves two committed and loving adults.
A true believer in monogamy, she said that such a relationship would not hold. “I had friends who were in open relationships, and they were not married. And eventually it crumbled,” she said.
It may be difficult to accept the fact that open marriages are already here, but it is more difficult — if not almost impossible — to find people who want to talk about it openly. Some friends who I talked to could provide names of people who cheated on their partners, but they were in the dark over the concept, let alone people who were pursuing such a lifestyle.
Among a small number of people who agreed to talk to The Jakarta Post is a couple of ten years, Lala and Rama, not their real names.
This couple has its own definition of marriage. “We love each other and we are both happy with this kind of arrangement, but I believe other people would not see things the way we see them,” she said.
It is obvious that by asking for anonymity the couple did not want to retribution from their family.
“It would be really bad if my family knew about this. I have never told any of them, and I don’t trust friends — except maybe one person — as I am sure they will pass judgment on me or maybe gossip about me. I just don’t want to deal with that,” she added.
She would not even tell her lovers that her husband knows about their relationship.
“It’s better to be labeled as a cheater rather than being found to have this type of arrangement,” said the 39-year-old businesswoman.
“People will call us sick. What do you think? Do you think I am sick?” she asked, chuckling.
Lala and her husband agreed to have an open marriage simply to respect each other’s privacy.
The couple have been part of other relationships over the past ten years, with two kids, but agreed that they could share their bed with others.
Sex was the primary reason to have the open marriage. “We love each other, but both have a strong sexual drive and fantasy, you know. So it is natural if we want to find new partners, but we keep in mind that in our new relationships that no feeling is to be involved,” she said, adding that she and her husband said it had been their pre-nuptial agreement to engage in an open relationship.
It’s only for sex, she said, and by having prior consent for an extra-marital relationship, she said it would pose little problem to their marriage.
“If there are no feelings, there will be no pain,” that’s where the couple draws the line. Lala said once they crossed the line, having a romantic relationship with another, it would be called cheating and be negative for their marriage. That consensus still holds.
Lala said she once put too much feeling into a relationship and upset her husband, but both worked out a solution and agreed to move on.
“We love each other partly because both of us can accept each other just the way we are. I think this also makes us love each other more. Eventually we know that we will always love each other regardless of all the people we have slept with,” she said.
Lala also said that having a new lover had also boosted her ego the way it also did her husband’s.
“It feels good to know that people still find me attractive. It’s always good to win over attention from new people,” she said, revealing her competitive side.
Lala added that she also enjoyed it when her husband could steal other women’s attention, adding that “and I am still the one who owns him, I am his wife.”
That way, they said, sparks continued to fly and their sex life was great.
“All the affairs bring good rather than bad influences into our sex life.”
She adds, however, “Or maybe I’m just sick.”
Irwan Martua Hidayana, an expert on sexuality and gender at the University of Indonesia, said the open marriage arrangement is a fact of life in big cities such as Jakarta, where nobody could have control over other’s people lives.
“It is difficult to control someone else’s behavior because of the diversity of our affiliations in society.
For example, I might be a good person in my community on this campus, but I could easily escape the norms if I go to somewhere else in North Jakarta where no one would recognize me. In a city this big only anonymity rules,” he told the Post.
Irwan said that open marriage could also be the by-product of globalization, which rendered old values irrelevant. Exposure to Western values, known to be more tolerant of sexual freedom, had resulted in a change in notion of sexuality and relationships.
“The younger generation no longer sees marriage as a holy matrimony. For them, marriage is a compromise or consensus between those involved and having a sexual intercourse outside of wedlock is no longer considered an aberration or sin,” he said.
He said that individuality was valued more in modern society, and if an institution such as marriage stood in the way of realizing individuality to its fullest, people could have the freedom to leave it.
Irwan said from a gender-study perspective, women nowadays have equally strong positions as men.
“The privilege of having more than one partner is no longer the privilege of men. Now, for some husbands, they can easily accept when their wife has affairs with other men,” he said.
