I

dul Fitri, or Lebaran, is meant to be a time for reuniting with family, celebrating the end of Ramadhan, in an atmosphere of gratitude and joy. But for my friend Tita, it was far from joy filled.

At the best of times, Tita endures Lebaran out of love and respect for her parents. Usually she just forces a fake smile and goes along with the ritual of overeating excessively rich, unhealthy dishes, engaging in small talk with relatives and people you meet once a year, and insincere expressions of bermaaf-maafan (forgiving each other).

But this year, something unexpected happened. Anto, her brother, suddenly opened up to her and expressed a desire to be more involved in Tita'€™s life, because, he said, he felt guilty about having neglected her all this time.

Hello? After several decades of indifference? When she had been afflicted with a potentially life-threatening illness, when she was widowed and at various other times of major crises in her life, she had to deal with them all by herself. Anto was conspicuously absent, despite his professed religious and '€œfamily values'€.

While Tita and Anto had not been close, she had nevertheless been hurt by his abandonment. However, for the sake of the family, and for her own peace of mind, she let bygones be bygones, and maintained a civil, albeit superficial relationship with her brother.

Ironically, while he was confessing his guilt at Lebaran, his attitude toward his sister was unchanged. Instead of showing any remorse or contrition, he was his usual harsh, accusatory and blaming self. To a large extent, Tita was used to this, so by this time, she had learned not to respond in kind.

As in the past, she let his rants go in one ear and out the other. She had worked hard over the years to keep her inner balance and composure, and certainly wasn'€™t going to allow herself to be used to expiate the professed '€œguilt'€ of her inconsiderate and at times even abusive brother.

Idul Fitri is a time when people, especially members of family, ask for each others'€™ forgiveness. It'€™s obviously a good thing, which is why Islam '€” like all major religions '€” teaches about forgiveness: from God, as well as from our fellow human beings.

However, forgiveness by fiat is a farce I reckon. It means nothing if you don'€™t atone for it in one way or another.

Yes, that means feeling genuine remorse, taking responsibility, letting go of excuses, making amends, understanding the hurt you have caused, repairing the damage and restituting any losses that may have been incurred as a result of your bad decisions and actions.

Of course, you can forgive someone who'€™s hurt you without their even knowing that they hurt you. Forgiving and letting go of your pain, grudge and trauma is good for your mental, emotional and even physical health.

In fact many illnesses stem from spiritual imbalance and emotional distress '€” just read Louise L. Hay'€™s best-selling 1984 book You Can Heal Your Life, about the metaphysical causes of illnesses. Guilt is also another killer, so no wonder Anto wanted to heal himself. Unconsciously, he didn'€™t want to be committing slow suicide, but at the same time, his ego was still a mountain-size stumbling block.

But there are many Antos in the world, so many of us, in fact. If only we all realized how immense the benefits of forgiveness and atonement are, for both the perpetrator and the injured parties, we would all embrace it.

Experts say forgiveness helps lower blood pressure and cholesterol, improves sleep quality, strengthens immunity (even among HIV patients!), and reduces depression, anxiety and anger. Overall, people who forgive and atone for their wrongs enjoy better psychological well-being, have better relationships and are, in general, happier.

Forgiveness and atonement happen on a collective level as well, between governments and the people. What about human rights violations perpetrated by the state? Do the same rules apply? Often governments, like Anto, only pay lip service.

In his address on Aug. 11, former president BJ Habibie expressed his Idul Fitri apologies and his hope that for the sake of the nation we all forgive each other and the mistakes committed by the state in the past. It'€™s true that as Soeharto'€™s immediate successor, he initiated the process of releasing political prisoners, instated democratic reforms and held a referendum to end Indonesia'€™s annexation of Timor Leste.

Habibie said nothing, however, of the 1965-1966 massacre '€” perhaps because that apology should now come from President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono (SBY)? Apparently SBY had intended to apologize, but he was met with violent protests from remaining New Order elements, so he buckled under again, as he often does.

And how about apologizing for more recent and ongoing human rights violations in Indonesia that Human Rights Watch'€™s 2012 World Report lists as serious concerns? I am referring to abuses in Aceh, Maluku and Papua, as well as discrimination against women and children, the Shiites, Ahmadis, Christians and, most recently, Buddhists who had their vihara bombed. Sadly, no apology is forthcoming for these groups, let alone atonement '€¦

But for those of us who still have a conscience, do yourself a favor, start chipping away at your ego mountain, and forgive and atone '€” not for heaven'€™s sake, but for your own.

The writer is the author of Julia'€™s Jihad.