Fam trip: A Syahr enjoys an outing with his wife and son. (Courtesy of Ahmad Syahroni)

Words by Istu Septania

Rega is 5 and he already relishes bedtime stories. He loves his animal dolls joining him, too. After setting them on their pillows, Rega listens to his mother, Nurul Ichlasiah, reading the children’s book chosen for that night.

A women’s rights activist based in Semarang, Central Java, Nurul reads bedtime stories as a way to strengthen her bond with her son and entrench values in him, including gender equality, using the simplest language. On their bookshelves they have countless children’s books, including Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Corduroy by Don Freeman, to read every night.

This is a common method many parents use to help their children develop communication skills and enrich their vocabularies. In addition to teaching girls about women’s empowerment, parents now realize that their sons need to be involved too so that both children may better learn about gender equality.

The first step toward addressing sexism is to let the boys know that they can embrace modern gender attitudes, such as by showing emotions and playing with toys deemed feminine — just like girls are encouraged to gain confidence and take on leadership positions.

Ahmad Syahroni, who is raising a 3-year-old son in the Riau Islands, is in the same situation. Like other parents, Ahmad is making up his parenting style as he goes along, but he knows his son, Air, should not be restricted into traditional gender norms or roles.

Ahmad provides his son with various toy options, including dolls, robots and fire trucks. “He wants to be a firefighter,” says Ahmad. The dolls, which Air takes care of, are his loyal companions who patiently listen to him chattering about his day.

Parents who provide mixed-gender toys are aware that providing a variety of toys to children at an early age can help educate them about gender stereotypes and bias.

“My wife and I have agreed that our son can be whatever he wants to be,” Ahmad says, emphasizing that Air doesn’t have to be confined within the stereotypes of boys and girls. “First of all, we want our son to see himself as a human being.”

Febri Sastiviani Putri, who raises her son, Arka, in Bogor, ensures that he can play with any toys he wants, including dolls and My Little Pony. Now, her 6-year-old son likes dinosaurs.

Febri also gives Arka a range of color options for his clothes. “I just don’t want him to grow up and think that he has to become a masculine boy in a conventional way.”

Equality in the making: Thobias John Bola (center, back) poses with his wife and his sons. At home, Thobias and his wife teach their sons about gender equality. (Courtesy of Thobias John Bola)

Show, don’t tell

Many parents understand that equality is best taught to small children by example. To break gender stereotyping, for example, parents often expose their children to books that illustrate how the characters in the story defy gender norms. Reading stories with strong heroines is also a common method to show young boys that girls can empower themselves, too.

Parents allow — even encourage — their boys to express their feelings, including anger and sadness, but there are restrictions: no hitting, no attention-seeking behavior, no crying without reason.

“I allow Rega to cry or burst into anger,” Nurul says. “But he has to explain why.” Among his most frequent answers are his cat was injured, or his friends teased him. Nurul finds it important for her son to analyze what he feels and why. The habit, she hopes, can help him understand his problems and prevent him from suppressing his emotions.

Good communication between parents and children is a key to promoting gender equality. Nurul highlights that to demonstrate equality to children, it’s crucial to talk to them on their eye level. “Try to avoid standing when you’re scolding them,” she adds.

Many parents also set real examples at home. Mothers and fathers try to share household chores and child care equally. For working fathers, they try to find free time to clean the house, cook and spend time with their child. Mothers are also involved in making decisions in the house.

Setting real examples for their children is crucial, says psychologist Livia Iskandar of the “Pulih at the Peak” trauma-counseling foundation. Many values are easily and subconsciously internalized by children based on what they see in real life.

“If you want to teach your children about gender equality, you have to be able to walk the talk,” Livia says.

It’s bedtime, boy!:Five-year-old Rega has a sizable collection of children’s books. His mother, Nurul Ichlasiah, reads him a bedtime story every night. (Courtesy of Nurul Ichlasiah)

Direct message

Parents, however, also try to tackle the issue by highlighting their messages explicitly to their children.

As girls are often told to “behave properly” so as to avoid sexual harassment, parents now involve their sons in learning about consent. Nurul, for example, teaches Rega about bodily autonomy.

Rega used to forget about the simple rule of not touching his female friends’ bodies without permission and Nurul, his mother, would keep reminding him about this.

Now, Rega asks for his friends’ permission before making physical contact with them. If a friend of his, for example, gets injured, Rega would ask, “Where’s your injury? Can I look at it?”

The understanding of consent and boundaries is also helpful for Rega. “He’ll know if other people touch his body inappropriately,” Nurul says. “His body is his own.”

Today, violence against women is rampant in both real life and on TV. Thobias John Bola in East Nusa Tenggara, a father of three sons, addressed this issue explicitly with them.

During their TV time, Thobias points out to his teenage sons disturbing scenes of violence against women in soap operas, which seem to tell the audience that violence is the best solution to conflicts.

His second son, Andrew, used to lose his temper quickly when in elementary school, throwing tantrums and slamming doors when he was angry. In one incident, Andrew arrived at home with messy clothes after getting into a fight. Thobias keeps reminding his son to manage his emotions and Andrew is showing improvement.

In his later years of elementary school, Andrew started to control his emotions. “Now Andrew is the most helpful at the house, making drinks for his parents and cooking meals for himself,” Thobias says.

Many young boys are raised to not express their emotional sufferings, except by anger, says Wawan Suwandi of Aliansi Laki-Laki Baru, a group that aims to redefine masculinity.

When he was a second grader at elementary school, Wawan recalls, he came home crying after fighting with his friend and his father handed him a wooden club and said, “Here, take it and fight back.”

Violence, among the worst forms of gender inequality, hurts both male and female, says psychologist Livia. Lots of boys are not given room to handle and express their emotions properly, which leads them to be aggressive.

“Many boys grow up with the wrong perceptions of masculinity and they turn out to become men who have a sense of entitlement,” says Livia, who counsels perpetrators of domestic violence. Thinking they can want and do anything, many of them end up hurting other people, particularly women, she adds.

Men who follow the traditional manhood ideas have the tendency to harm others and themselves. Suicide rates are higher among males, studies find. In Indonesia, the male-to-female suicide ratio is 5.2 to 2.2, according to a 2016 World Health Organization report.

Rigid gender norms and sexism have negatively affected females and males. Gender equality, Wawan says, seeks to free both females and males from this issue.

Family time: Ahmad Syahroni does his best to spare time for his 3-year-old son, Air, amid his busy working schedule. (Courtesy of Ahmad Syahroni)

Outside home

Home might provide solid lessons to boys about gender equality, but outside, boys face countless challenges and social pressures that might push them into the conventional gender norms again.

Traditional masculinity norms frequently emerge when small boys start crying. Quick remarks like “Man up!” or “Boys don’t cry!” are often heard from relatives, babysitters, neighbors and school pals.

Thobias from East Nusa Tenggara receives questions and criticisms from his neighbors and extended family about his parenting lessons to his sons, such as teaching them to sweep and clean the house.

“The patriarchal culture is still strong here,” Thobias explains. “For example, sons are more valued than daughters. If you don’t have a son yet, the family is still not complete.”

With such deep-seated gender bias, Thobias realizes that he needs to explain to his extended family members, including his relatives, nephews and nieces, to respect other people regardless of their gender.

The rise of Islamic religious conservatism has also raised concerns among parents who seek to break barriers in gender inequality. However, Febri, who is a Muslim herself, says she believes that gender equality values can be practiced by Muslims. “I believe that Islam teaches equality, including gender equality,” she says.

How do the parents respond to external pressures? Sometimes, when this comes from their inner circles, parents give them explanations and nicely ask them not to say nasty things again.

However, most of the time, especially when the remarks come from neighbors or at school, parents simply choose to reaffirm the lessons of new gender norms with their sons. Parents believe that giving them a strong foundation would help their children navigate their coming teenage and adult years.

“I’ve built all these values at home, but still our society is patriarchal,” says Febri. “So, we must never tire of talking to and trying to understand our children.”