In a press release made available in early August, online dating app Tinder said the platform had recorded an average 61 percent increase in messaging activities among its Indonesian users since March, when Indonesia announced its COVID-19 patient zero.

Yet, unfortunately, these online adventures oftentimes offer short-term excitement only. The person you met online could suddenly disappear after things seemed to have been going quite well.

It is for this phenomenon that the online-obsessed youth of the 21st century have coined the term “ghosting”.

The word was recently added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. The dictionary defines ghosting as “the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone (such as a former romantic partner) by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc.”.

Alicia (not her real name), a 34-year-old media professional living in West Jakarta, understands what it’s like to be ghosted all too well.

She met her online crush in late 2019. Upon being “matched” on Tinder, the two of them enjoyed quite a great time exchanging messages via WhatsApp. Things seemed to be going quite well, as both of them loved reading fiction and were soon exchanging and discussing various titles.

The two of them eventually met offline to celebrate New Year’s Eve. Alicia said she had asked her date straight away whether he was looking for a long-term relationship or if he simply wanted a one-night stand.

“He said he wanted to continue our relationship as we seemed to have ‘a great connection’,” Alicia told The Jakarta Post by phone.

“After the pandemic began, he started to change dramatically. He would only whine and complain about the stresses he experienced at work and in his personal life. Then, from around June onward, he no longer responded to my messages,” she said.

Alicia said she was devastated that this man had seemingly vanished into thin air after things had appeared to be going so well between them.

“I called and called him incessantly on the phone but he didn’t respond, to the point that I’ve given up contacting him altogether. I reckon he wanted to finish our relationship but he just didn’t want to say it for fear that I was going to beg him to stay,” she continued.

Candice Christiansen, the founder and clinical director of the United States-based Namasté Center for Healing, said social media made it possible for people to avoid having difficult conversations, as it had made communication and connecting with others exceptionally impersonal.

“A lot of people have never learned appropriate ways to communicate, let alone how to end a relationship. Social media and technology have indeed contributed to this. People have increasingly become less comfortable talking face-to-face about difficult things because of technology,” Christiansen wrote in an email.

Christiansen said someone’s personal predisposition could also increase their likelihood of ghosting an online romantic interest.

“Immaturity – not knowing how to handle relationships in an adult way can lead individuals to disappear without warning. Some people are unable to handle difficult emotions so they’d rather ‘ghost’ than upset the other person. This may seem surprising but a lot of people who ghost are quite insecure; they fear upsetting the other person,” she explained.

Christiansen also said that someone who was too agreeable could be more prone to acts of ghosting.

“For instance, someone is being asked out randomly by someone s/he might not be attracted to, but s/he agrees to go out on a date anyway because s/he is simply too uncomfortable being honest. Having a serious fight with one’s partner and feeling too much shame can lead to ghosting – e.g., cutting them completely out of your life,” she said.

Chronic fear of rejection or abandonment can also lead someone to reject an online romantic interest before the latter can reject or abandon them, according to Christiansen.

This act of sudden disappearance can cause a lot of pain for the one being ghosted. Alicia said that after her online love interest deserted her without a word, she started to relive her long history of rejection and feelings of worthlessness.

Christiansen said that therapy could help someone get over their obsession with a former partner or online love interest who had ghosted them, especially when it had opened a Pandora’s box full of painful unfinished business.

“Oftentimes, when people take a deeper look at the pain caused by being ghosted, they’re able to identify the deeper issues of being rejected in their past by individuals they cared about,” she said.

In the end, she advised that it was not your fault that you had been ghosted and the person’s disappearance from your life did not by any means negate how amazing you were and how much you had to offer someone else.

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