While societies often regard the husband as a family’s breadwinner, more and more couples are defying these traditional gender norms – some by choice, others because of life circumstances.

Jonas, who chose to use a pseudonym for this article, is a 57-year-old man from Bekasi, West Java, who doesn’t mind being called househusband, a role he has held for over a decade now. After working for some time as a businessman, he had to quit due to health issues. 

“My recovery period was erratic. Sometimes I felt okay, and other times I felt ill again. So I decided not to work anymore and began taking care of the household,” he said.

The task of caring for his two children now falls into his hands, while his wife, who is a civil servant, goes to the office.

“After my morning prayers, I cook, clean the house, drive my wife to work, shop for groceries, make lunch, clean the house, then pick up my wife,” he said, adding that he always made sure to “take a little break” in the afternoon.

Jonas said being a househusband was his “own choice”. But at first, some opposed the decision, including his wife and certain other family members. 

Another househusband who asked to be called Niko also opted for the path, but he required some time to adjust to the new role.

Unlike Jonas, Niko said he had never encountered any resistance to his decision. “There wasn't any. I never got negative comments,” he said.

Hands on: Househusbands would take up the chores that a housewive does, from groceries to cleaning up the house. (Unsplash/Fauzan) (Unsplash/Fauzan)

Societal expectations

Jonas doesn’t mind doing household chores.

“Since I am a person who likes things to be neat and clean, I always make sure the house is tidy,” he said. “I also have to continue working until the evening if there is still work to be done.”

He is now accustomed to preparing a wide range of dishes, although he said he felt he had more refining to do, and has more time to spend time with his children – something that may seem like a luxury for other husbands. 

Niko noted that one of the perks of being a househusband was having more time to relax, something he might not have had if he had continued to work at an office.

As his wife is focusing on pursuing her education, he has taken on even more responsibilities.

“I take my wife to campus, drop the kids off at school and then pick them up again.”

In between chores, he also sets some time to do flexible remote gigs, adding to the day’s responsibilities.

“The challenge is that even after doing everything in the house, I must still be able to make money,” Niko said.

For a 35-year-old lawyer in South Jakarta who asked to be called Lina, money has never been a problem. As the main breadwinner for her family, Lina encouraged her husband to take on a more domestic role.

“My husband worked as an auditor. The job [took up much of his time and took a toll on his health], and I was pregnant and clingy. So I talked him into just staying at home and taking care of our newborn child. That was 4 years ago,” she said.

Breaking stigmas: Despite living in a mostly patriarchal society, it's actually been common for most Indonesian women to be the breadwinners of their respective families, like most domestic workers endure.(Unsplash/Artem Beliaikin) (Unsplash/Artem Beliaikin)

Regardless of the advantages that it may bring, becoming a househusband comes at a price – mainly having to deal with societal attitudes that hold that men should be financial providers.

“We had questions from our families and friends. I guess my husband must have it harder than me because after a while, I don’t really hear about it anymore. I think there are times that he’s wanted to restart his career, but anyway, the pandemic happened and we continued [our arrangement],” said Lina, who recently welcomed another child into the family.

“The kids really love their father. But once they are more independent, my husband plans to start a food and beverage business,” she said, noting that they had been saving up to make the initial investment.

While Niko didn’t deny that the pressure got to him sometimes, Jonas said it affected him quite profoundly and even considered it a sort of a “shortcoming”.

“I can definitely feel the pressure, as I am aware that this is my biggest flaw,” Jonas remarked. As he made the conscious decision to become a househusband, he is frequently faced with judgment. When asked if he would ever resume his career, he said he couldn’t say.

Finances, business competition and his fluctuating health all play a role in his consideration of whether to return to work.

“This is entirely my decision. To be honest, getting back to business is quite daunting,” Jonas said. 

“I try to think straight, pull myself together and do my best to take care of the house, even though this may not be enough to compensate for the expectations that I should have fulfilled as a husband.”

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