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Being present in times of need
Clinical psychologist Veronica Adesla , who works at Personal Growth, a psychological services and counseling center, shares her insights on how to offer support to friends and family who are grieving.
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We tend to be awkward around grief and tragedy, not knowing how to behave around those who have endured such a difficult experience. (Shutterstock/File)
W
hat should I say? What should I do? If I asked them about the loved one who just passed away, would I remind them of their grief? If they are crying, how should I respond?
These are the kinds of questions that a person might think about upon learning that a friend or relative has just experienced the loss of a loved one. We tend to be awkward around grief and tragedy, not knowing how to behave around those who have endured such a difficult experience.
On the other hand, due to misguided but good intentions, some people might say something that disrupts the grieving process instead of allowing it to flow naturally.
Clinical psychologist Veronica Adesla, who works at Personal Growth, a psychological services and counseling center, shares her insights on how to offer support to friends and family who are grieving.
Read also: Navigating through grief to life
1. Choose your words wisely
Do not reprimand individuals who are grieving for expressing their feelings. “Sometimes, people say: ‘Why are you crying all the time? You keep [the deceased] from resting in peace’. This is actually not a good thing, because you don’t help a grieving person when you cause them to suppress their emotions,” Veronica said.
Instead, we should encourage people who are grieving to fully embrace their pain and sadness, by saying that it is OK to cry, she said. “People often behave awkwardly in their inability to say anything when they see someone crying,” Veronica explained. When you see someone cry, however, you don’t have to say anything; just be there for them and keep an eye on them while they express their sadness and pain, she advised.
When the person is ready to talk, just listen to them wholeheartedly. There is no need to think about how you will respond; sometimes, the best thing for a person who is grieving is knowing that somebody is listening to their pain.
2. Don’t hesitate to ask questions about their loss
We often hesitate to bring up the subject of someone’s loss because we are afraid we might trigger a negative emotion. In fact, according to Veronica, it is OK to allow people the space to talk about their loss and feelings because it is part of the healing process.
“Just go with simple questions like, ‘How are you?’ [and] ‘Do you dream of [the loved one who passed away]? What did you dream about?’” Veronica suggested.
She added that, in order to help the person feel better and move forward with their lives, you could also ask them about their future plans.
“The question will help the grieving individual not to get stuck in their grief and look at the future positively,” she said.
3. Take them on leisure activities
“Occasionally, take [the people who are grieving] out to watch a movie, on a trip or out to talk. However, do it in a way that does not distract them from experiencing their grief fully or cause them to numb their pain, as discussed before. Engage with them while still giving them the private space to process their pain,” she said.
4. Know the red flags
When someone who is grieving starts having suicidal thoughts, stops eating, stops sleeping or cannot sleep at all, you should encourage them to seek professional help, advised Veronica. Other signs that a person might need professional help is when they lose interest in things they had previously enjoyed, all of which could be signs of clinical depression.
