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xam time: Four young people recently took a super-tough spoken language test. Their assignment: Pretend you are a group of hikers who have trekked out of range of cell phone reception. Your friend Kelvin has fallen off the edge of a cliff and hurt his leg. Discuss your response.

The examiners started the clock, expecting the teenagers to talk about who should help Kelvin and who should get emergency help. But that's not what happened.

Nobody moved. After a moment, the following conversation took place. Candidate A: "What should we do to help Kelvin?" Candidate B: "I think we should sing to him because he will be bored." Candidate C: "I think that's a great idea." Candidate B: "What shall we sing?" Candidate C: "I think we should sing Happy Birthday." (It was not Kelvin's birthday.)

The examiners, trying not to laugh, covered their faces with the marking sheets. After further consideration, the team started on part two of their rescue mission.

Candidate A: "Maybe Kelvin will be hungry." Candidate B: "Yes, we should throw some food and water at Kelvin." Candidate C: "But if we throw food at Kelvin, he may get hurt." Candidate D: "Yes, I think we should throw him cake. It is soft."

Nobody spoke to Kelvin to comfort him or find out how badly he was hurt, nor did anyone get help. They assumed Kelvin would be lying there thinking: "As I lie dying at the bottom of this cliff, my main problem is boredom. Luckily, people are singing happy birthday to someone and dropping cake on me. Life is good."

I was told about this by the examiner, who did not want her name printed. She told me that at first she thought it was odd, but then realized that people do respond to dramatic events by singing. "You can see it all the time in Japanese and Korean drama," she said. It's also true in South Asian movies, where imminent tragedy causes groups of people to sing and dance in the fields.

"It's not just humans who sing when they're stressed out," a scientist friend reported. An Australian bird called the splendid fairy wren (Malurus splendens) does not tweet an alarm call when a cat approaches, but sings instead. (This species may not last long.)

The boffin reckoned it was because if you are stressed, you can re-set your heart rate to a relaxed, lub-dub lub-dub rhythm by singing along to naff, easy-listening music like the Carpenters.

But he found it weird that young people today listen to music that increases stress levels. If you are about to die, your heart switches to a high-speed thud-thud-thud-thud-thud rhythm, exactly like the electronic backbeat of I'm a Barbie Girl.

I nodded politely but I suspect this scientist has got cause and effect mixed up. Having been a DJ on several occasions, I can bear witness that the repeated playing of I'm a Barbie Girl makes death seem an attractive option.

In the meantime, if your friend falls off a cliff, don't drop a cake on him, but do think about performing a medley of chill-out songs such as Yesterday Once More. But whatever you do, skip I'm a Barbie Girl. The poor guy will already have suffered enough.