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span class="inline inline-left">Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said that as humans, we are deeply terrified by the fact that this world we live in is chaotic, meaningless and indefinable. Because of this, we need to have something on to which to hold.

Because of this, societies construct moral values. The adherence to these ideals of human conduct creates the illusion that we live in the right path and therefore we can attain security in the face of what seems to be a very wild and unsafe reality.

Novelist Ayu Utami is aware that people can also bring forth injustice and repression in the name of morality.

In her latest book, Pengakuan: Eks Parasit Lajang (Confession: Ex Single Parasite), Ayu writes '€œthe first sexual and spiritual autobiography in Indonesia'€. The book describes the journey of its main character, a woman called A, supposedly Ayu, in defining her own morality in defiance of patriarchal moral codes that marginalize women.

A first sees the inequality between men and women in junior high school, when her then-boyfriend suddenly wants to break up with her just because his IQ test results are much lower than hers.

'€œSomething is wrong with the society'€™s values. These values place a disproportionate burden on men to always be superior to women ... and women are pressured to always put themselves in an inferior place in order to protect men'€™s egos. To this day, I consider these values to be wrong and unfair,'€ Ayu writes.

A also realizes that the society continues to use '€œmorality'€ as a justification to shackle female sexuality. She constantly questions the validity of the taboo that prohibits women from having casual sex while permitting men to play around with any woman they like. She despises the strong compulsion on women to preserve their virginity while there are no such compulsions on men.

She rebels against this unjust morality by getting rid of her virginity at the age of 20. She makes love to Nik, her then-boyfriend.

She describes how she frequently experiences tension with Nik due to his conservative views on gender relations.

One day, after they have made love, Nik asks A to call him '€œmas'€ (a Javanese term for older brother) if they get married someday. A is confused because she is actually older than her boyfriend.

'€œBecause a husband is the head of the family, he will have to be a leader for his wife,'€ Nik says.

Next time around, when A and Nik go shopping, Nik asks her to buy him a chocolate bar. A refuses angrily saying: '€œIt is improper for a man to ask a woman to buy him things. Men will be the head of the family, so he'€™s supposed to buy women things,'€ A says, throwing Nik'€™s argument back.

When A becomes a journalist, she encounters Dan, her editor who admires her journalistic talents. Dan, who is already married, is smarter than Nik; he has a broader understanding and perspective on things. This affair with Dan indicates A'€™s preference for a man who is her equal, consistent with her morality which prioritizes fairness and equality.

But A is aware that she has done something wrong. She is aware that she cannot take this man away from his wife. She concludes that, although she does not hold with the morality understood by society, she has a code of ethics. Staying true to her commitment to ethics and justice, she bravely admits that she is not '€œa good person anymore'€. Not because she has had an adulterous affair with Dan, but because she has hurt Dan'€™s wife.

But at that moment, A thinks that it is okay to hurt men in her relationships in order to break the patriarchal system that disadvantages women. A goes through different relationships with other men while she is still in a relationship with Nik. A is transparent with Nik about her affairs with other men and Nik is okay with it, although he almost gets into a physical fight once with A'€™s '€˜mister'€™ who is twice his age.

One day, A finally separates from Nik and forms a relationship with Rik, a photographer who shares a similar background with her: they both grew up in a Catholic family and are deeply cynical about irrational Catholic dogma.

When Nik finds out about A'€™s close relationship with Rik, he warns her: '€œYayang jangan nakal-nakal lagi'€ ('€œLove, don'€™t get yourself in trouble again this time'€). Which A interprets as a message to stay faithful to Rik.

But again, she has an affair with another man. But this time, she feels guilty and decides to rethink her way of treating men. As a result of her contemplation, she concludes that not all men abuse their power, so she has to be careful not to hurt Rik, who is not such a man.

Not all events in this book are described clearly. Such as when A decides to marry Rik despite her previous strong stance against marriage, she does not elaborate on the precise trigger for that attitudinal change, except for an explanation about her discovery of the Catholic church'€™s egalitarian concept of marriage and a feminist interpretation of Jesus Christ.

A might not always know the precise reason behind her decisions. Although A cannot always rationalize her choices, her honest self-disclosure in this novel is still very valuable.

If people could formulate and reformulate their value systems from time to time instead of just swallowing social conventions uncritically, maybe Indonesia would see less marginalization of women in the name of theological morality. Like when Aceh banned women from straddling motorbikes in the name of sharia, or when the Islamic Defenders Front banned dangdut singer Inul Daratista from performing because they claimed that her gyrating movements could trigger sinful acts. (ogi)