'€œEverything I enjoy in life is either fattening or a sin.'€ I read that quote somewhere more than a decade ago.

My mind has repeated that quote several times over the years and lately it has been echoing evermore forcefully in my mind. This time, however, with a new twist: Everything I enjoy in life is also killing me.

Social media in the past few weeks has circulated a message bearing the logos of Sinar Mas Group and Wilmar International with the message: Don'€™t buy these brands because the two are (allegedly) major generators of haze. These companies do indeed have vast plantations in Sumatra and Kalimantan, which have been blanketed by thick, dangerous haze from burned peatland.

I want to be a good citizen, one who doesn'€™t exacerbate a bad situation.

I perused the logos and recognized at least three brands whose products I use on regular occasions. Tissue paper, cooking oil and mineral water.

'€œNo problem,'€ I thought to myself, '€œI will just buy tissue paper and mineral water from other brands.'€ But then I remembered my current cooking oil. Guilty as charged. I didn'€™t have the heart to throw away the cooking oil so I decided to continue using it until the oil ran out. I would then switch to other brands.

A more difficult problem is that I live in BSD City, developed by Sinar Mas Group. I think I will just excuse myself about this one. Too difficult to move.

Later, at the end of October, news broke from the WHO that processed red meat can cause cancer. The report also says that cooking red meat at high temperatures like frying and grilling can raise cancer risks too.

I don'€™t eat much processed meat but I lament the advent of consciousness every time I bite into a hotdog or satay.

Hours after my social media friends shared the news about processed red meat, a post from the Guardian'€™s Facebook account filled my timeline: '€œHealth threat of sugar is vastly underestimated, study claims.'€

I had read that report before and had also learned of chef Jamie Oliver'€™s crusade against added sugar in the diet of British people.

I guess I should cut my Teh Botol Sosro intake, eat less ice cream and refrain from buying a cinnamon pretzel every time I pass Auntie Anne'€™s.

My resolve was tested two days after the WHO news.

I went into a mall, developed by Sinar Mas, to have lunch. I was hungry because I had skipped breakfast. Everything looked delicious, including the grilled sausages.

And then I saw two women in front of me enjoying green tea ice cream in a cone, and then my eyes landed on Auntie Anne'€™s booth and later I saw a showcase of colorful soft puddings. Verily I became dizzy with temptation.

I was also thirsty so I looked for a bottle of water and almost took a mineral water brand from Sinar Mas. I didn'€™t however because all that information from social media had somehow pricked my conscience. Sharply. So I grabbed a bottle of water from a new brand I had never seen before.

 I opened the cap, drank it and then saw that the company bottled the mineral water from a spring '€œon the spot.'€ But this did not in any way alleviate my suffering, for I had heard that companies who proudly declared that they sourced their water from natural springs made things difficult for the locals by using up all the local spring water. So then the locals would have to buy their water, perhaps from the companies.

My pragmatic self finished the water anyway and swallowed it along with my guilt.

I have promised myself that I will reduce, but not entirely eliminate, my sugar and red meat intake because I cannot see myself entirely renouncing all things fattening, deadly or sinful.

For now, let me mourn the loss of blissful ignorance. I can no longer recline and luxuriate in the gentle bliss of innocence every time I eat crispy bacon, scoop the pudding and eat the fried stuff.

'€” Evi Mariani

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