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Romance rules from Jakarta’s top matchmaker
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Women actually need about 95 seconds of interaction before sussing up a man, while men need only about 60 seconds before deciding whether they like a woman. (Shutterstock/File)
“Dating is easy,” says Zola Yoana. “Finding the one is hard.”
As the capital’s most famous love connector, Zola says that finding – or maintaining – a successful relationship comes down to three factors: communication, compromise and trust.
An international relations graduate from the University of Tokyo, Zola, born in Semarang, Central Java, came back to Indonesia in 2006 and spent five years in advertising in Jakarta before a brief stint with Matchactually Asia, which was then looking to set up shop in Indonesia.
When the firm’s local office folded, Zola was sure there were still opportunities for an entrepreneur to connect Jakarta’s lovelorn. She moved to New York City and picked up a certification from The Matchmaking Institute, a licensed training center for those looking to make love connections.
Zola then launched Heart Inc-Matchmaking Service in 2013, catering to a clientele that’s more than 50 percent women and mostly over 30, located in Jakarta and beyond.
Clients are well heeled: Heart Inc charges for packages starting around US$2,500 for Zola to spend upwards of a year working with people to clarify their desires and then to mobilize her personally curated network of thousands of “candidates” to broker introductions. She says that more than 80 percent of her clients are matched for successful dates.
Business has been good. Heart Inc recently launched local offices in Surabaya, East Jakarta and in Bali. “People have the mind-set that coming to a matchmaker is a kind of desperation,” Zola says. “But this is not a taboo.”
Zola’s youngest client has been a 27-year-old who she says is typical of her clientele: a beautiful, busy and smart professional who is struggling to find “the one” and who doesn’t like random dates. Since that 27 year old could be any number of our readers, male or female; The Jakarta Post asked the matchmaker for advice for readers on how to find romance in the big city.
After an hour-long interview in a cafe in Kemang, South Jakarta, here are Zola’s lessons for the lovelorn.
Read also: Couples make Valentine's Day deposit in 'Love Bank'
Rule 1: No first-date interrogation sessions
Some of the biggest mistakes that men and women make on first dates happen during the getting-to-know-you conversation, Zola says. People are too eager to talk about their past, break-ups, divorces, children or work in detail – and then want to probe potential partners deeply on debts and finances. All this during a would-be romantic meeting.
Zola’s advice: Don’t overshare. “Never open all your books on the first date…Make them curious. Guys love a challenge.” Ease into these important discussions – after you find out if you’ve got a romantic spark.
Rule 2: Don’t be (too) picky
Making sure her clients share the same values with her curated candidates is Zola’s top concern. For example, if having children is important, then Zola’s got to treat it as non-negotiable when finding her clients potential soul mates.
But don’t approach the process of finding a partner with too many must-have lists. This might blind you to potential matches, Zola says.
Abandon your penchant for matching bullet points and try to think about how you and a potential partner might compliment each other, Zola says. If you like adventure travel, then don’t dismiss someone who craves the beach. Just look for someone willing to consider the occasional comprise on vacations, she adds.
“Don’t be too picky,” Zola says. “Sometimes differences make a perfect match.”
Read also: Eight of the most romantic hotels around the world
Rule 3: Look into my eyes
Finding love at first sight is a bit of a misnomer, Zola says. Women actually need about 95 seconds of interaction before sussing up a man, while men need only about 60 seconds before deciding whether they like a woman.
Zola’s secret? “When you like a guy, eye contact makes it interesting…You have to show it with the eyes [and] get your flirt on,” Zola says. When falling in love, a person’s pupils will dilate. Hiding your eyes only hides a strong signal of interest from a potential paramour.
She says to make direct eye contact for three seconds before breaking off your glance.
“Men are very visual. Men fall in love through the eyes,” Zola says. (Women, on the contrary, fall in love through aural cues, she says).
Yes, it’s not natural to make that kind of eye contact. Yes, it takes practice. But Zola swears that it works. After a three-second gaze, move on to the next level–tip your drink to the other person in an imagined toast and smile.
Rule 4: Love yourself first
Zola described one of her clients – a 45-year-old divorcee with three children – as a beautiful woman plagued by a self-defeating pessimism. Zola said that the woman would blow off the men who kept in contact – after multiple dates, no less – by saying “I don’t think he’d like someone like me.”
“Desperation is only in your mind,” Zola says, pausing to add a caveat. “There is no guy who wants to date a desperate woman [but] you need to give yourself support. You need to love yourself.”
Rule 5: Be prepared
“Open up yourself to any possibility”, Zola says. “Any time you go out, dress well, dress cute. Once you’re out, you never know who you’ll meet. Like we say, you never know jodoh di mana,” she adds. You never know where your soul mate is. (kes)
